Humor

[pinstripers]

A guy had been feeling down for so long that he finally decided to seek the aid of a psychiatrist.

He went there, lay on the couch, spilled his guts then waited for the profound wisdom of the psychiatrist to make him feel better.

The psychiatrist asked me a few questions, took some notes then sat thinking in silence for a few minutes with a puzzled look on his face.
Suddenly, he looked up with an expression of delight and said, “Um, I think your problem is low self-esteem. It is very common among you losers.”

[WstateU]

In one episode of 'Cheers', Cliff is seated at the bar describing the 'Buffalo Theory' to his buddy, Norm. I don't think I've ever heard the concept explained any better than this.

'Well you see, Norm, it's like this . . . . A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members. In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Now, as we know, excessive intake of alcohol kills brain cells. But naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine. .............. And that, Norm, is why you always feel smarter after a few beers.'

https://goo.gl/images/zAHlTZ

[im4wsu]

'Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose girl.'

The priest asks, 'Is that you, little Dominic Savino?'

'Yes, Father, it is.'

'And who was the girl you were with?'

'I can't tell you, Father. I don't want to ruin her reputation.'

"Well, Dominic, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later so you may as well tell me now.

Was it Tina Minetti?'

'I cannot say.'

'Was it Teresa Mazzarelli?'

'I'll never tell.'

'Was it Nina Capelli?'

'I'm sorry, but I cannot name her.'

'Was it Cathy Piriano?'

'My lips are sealed.'

'Was it Rosa DiAngelo, then?'

'Please, Father, I cannot tell you.'



The priest sighs in frustration. 'You're very tight lipped, and I admire that.But you've sinned

and have to atone. You cannot be an altar boy for 4 months.

Now you go and behave yourself.'



Joey walks back to his pew, and his friend Franco slides over and whispers, 'What'd you get?'



'Four months-vacation and five good leads.'

[pinstripers]

Stumpy and his wife Martha went to the state fair every year. Every year Stumpy would say, “Martha, I’d like to ride in that there airplane.”

And every year Martha would say, “I know Stumpy, but that airplane ride costs ten dollars, and ten dollars is ten dollars.”

One year Stumpy and Martha went to the fair and Stumpy said, “Martha, I’m 71 years old. If I don’t ride that airplane this year I may never get another chance.”

Martha replied, “Stumpy, that there airplane ride costs ten dollars, and ten dollars is ten dollars.”

The pilot overheard them and said, “Folks, I’ll make you a deal, I’ll take you both up for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and not say one word, I won’t charge you, but if you say one word it’s ten dollars.”

Stumpy and Martha agreed and up they went. The pilot did all kinds of twists and turns, rolls and dives, but not a word was heard. He did all his tricks over again, but still not a word. They landed and the pilot turned to Stumpy, “By golly, I did everything I could think of to get you to yell out, but you didn’t.”

Stumpy replied, “Well, I was gonna say something when Martha fell out, but ten dollars is ten dollars.”

[WstateU]

An Irishman went to confession.

"Father", he confessed, "it has been one month since my last confession. I had sex with Nookie Green twice last month."

The priest told the sinner, "You are forgiven. Go out and say three Hail Marys."

Soon, another Irishman entered the confessional.

"Father, it has been two months since my last confession. I've been having sex with Nookie Green twice a week for the last two months."

This time the priest questioned, "Who is this Nookie Green?"

"A new woman in the neighborhood," the sinner replied.

"Very well", sighed the priest. "Go and say ten Hail Marys."

At mass the next morning as the priest was preparing to deliver the sermon a tall, voluptuous, drop-dead gorgeous redhead entered the sanctuary. The eyes of every man in the church were on her as she slowly sashayed up the aisle and sat down right in front of the priest.

Her dress was green and very short and she was wearing matching, shiny emerald green shoes.

The priest and the altar boy gasped as she sat with her legs spread slightly apart ...just enough to reveal that she wasn't wearing any underwear.

The priest turned to the altar boy and whispered, "Is that Nookie Green?"

The bug-eyed altar boy couldn't believe his ears, but managed to calmly reply, "No Father, I think it's just a reflection from her shoes."

[pinstripers]

one of my favorites. I remember exactly where I was when I first heard it.

[pinstripers]

A man walks into a bar carrying an octopus and he sets the octopus on the bar and says to the bartender, "I'll bet you $50 this octopus can play any musical instrument you have."

The bartender agrees and directs him to a piano in the corner.

After the octopus sits down and plays a few bars the man asks the bartended to pay up.
"Hold on" says the bartender and hands over a guitar.
The octopus takes the guitar, gives it a quick tune and plays a little song. The man again asks the bartender to pay up.
"Just a minute, I think I've got something else here." The bartender disappears into the back room for a couple of minutes, comes back out and puts a set of bagpipes down on the bar. The octopus moves around it, looking confused,
picking up the pipes one at a time and putting them back down until the man says, "what's wrong? Can't you play it?"
The octopus says, "play it? If I can figure out how to get its pajamas off, I'm gonna screw it!"

[pinstripers]

A probate attorney discusses with the family of a recently deceased millionaire for the reading of the will.

‘To my loving wife, Abby, who always stood by me, I leave the house, yacht and three millions dollars,’ the attorney reads.

‘To my darling daughter, Kimberley, who looked after me in sickness and kept the business going, I leave the special car collection, the business and 2 million dollars.’

‘And finally,’ the lawyer concludes, ‘to my cousin Frederick, who hated me, argued with me and thought I would never mention him in my will.

Well, you were wrong. Hi Frederick!’

[WstateU]

Hunter was 4 years old and was staying with his grandfather for a few days.

He'd been playing outside with the other kids, when he came into the house and asked,

'Grandpa, what's that called when two people sleep in the same bedroom and one is on top of the other?'



His Grandpa was a little taken aback, but he decided to tell him the truth.

'Well, Hunter, it's called sexual intercourse’



‘Oh,’ Little Hunter said, 'OK,' and went back outside to play with the other kids.



A few minutes later he came back in and said angrily, 'Grandpa, it isn't called sexual intercourse.

It's called Bunk Beds. And Jimmy’s mom wants to talk to you.’

[pinstripers]

Norman comes home utterly drunk one night. He lurches through the door and is met by his scowling wife, who is most definitely angry.

“Where the hell have you been all night?” she demands.

“At this unbelievable new bar,” Norman says. “The Silver Night Bar. Everything there is silver. It’s got huge silver doors, a silver floor, the works – even the urinal’s silver!”

The wife still doesn’t believe her husband’s story, and the next day checks the internet, finding a place across town called The Silver Night Bar. She calls up the place to check her husband’s story.

“Is this The Silver Night Bar?” she asks when the barman answers the phone.

“Yes it is,” barman answers.

“Do you have huge silver doors?”

“Sure do.”

“Do you have silver floors?”

“Most certainly do.”

“What about silver urinals?”

There’s a long pause, then the woman hears the barman yelling, “Hey, Steve, I think I got a lead on the guy that peed in your saxophone last night!”

[WstateU]

When Gen, Washington and his 33 men crossed the Delaware, he assigned one his top men, Cpl. Cox to stand at the front of the boat and sway a lantern to guide them to shore. Without warning a high wave hurled Cox and his lantern into the icy waters and Cox was not found.

Washington and the remaining men made it to shore and while trudging up a hill saw a well lit house. The Gen. knocked on the door as was greeted by a stunning blonde, the mistress of the bordello. When Washington explained his men were wet and tired and needed some attention, the madam let them in “How many are with you she asked the future president to which Washington responded, “32 without Cox.”

Before the madam fainted, she was heard shouting, “you’re shittin’ me.”

And that’s the rest of the story.

[pinstripers]

The General went out to find that none of his G.I.s were there. One finally ran up, panting heavily.

“Sorry, sir! I can explain, you see I had a date and it ran a little late. I ran to the bus but missed it, I hailed a cab but it broke down, found a farm, bought a horse but it dropped dead, ran 10 miles, and now I’m here.”

The General was very skeptical about this explanation but at least he was here so he let the G.I. go. Moments later, eight more G.I.s came up to the general panting, he asked them why they were late.

“Sorry, sir! I had a date and it ran a little late, I ran to the bus but missed it, I hailed a cab but it broke down, found a farm, bought a horse but it dropped dead, ran 10 miles, and now I’m here.”

The General eyed them, feeling very skeptical but since he let the first guy go, he let them go, too. A ninth G.I. jogged up to the General, panting heavily.

“Sorry, sir! I had a date and it ran a little late, I ran to the bus but missed it, I hailed a cab but…”

“Let me guess,” the General interrupted, “it broke down.”

“No,” said the G.I., “there were so many dead horses in the road, it took forever to get around them.”

[pinstripers]

A little boy and his grandfather are raking leaves in the yard.

The little boy finds an earthworm trying to get back into its hole.

He says, “Grandpa, I bet I can put that worm back in that hole.”

The grandfather replies, “I’ll bet you five dollars you can’t. It’s too wiggly and limp to put back in that little hole.”

The little boy runs into the house and comes back out with a can of hairspray. He sprays the worm until it is straight and stiff as a board. Then he puts the worm back into the hole.

The grandfather hands the little boy five dollars, grabs the hairspray, and runs into the house. Thirty minutes later the grandfather comes back out and hands the little boy another five dollars.

The little boy says, “Grandpa, you already gave me five dollars.”

The grandfather replies, “I know. That’s from your grandma.”

[JJClamdip]

This explains a lot!

[pinstripers]

The IRS sends their auditor (a nasty little man) to audit a synagogue.

The auditor is doing all the checks and then turns to the
Rabbi and says, "I noticed that you buy a lot of candles."

"Yes," answered the Rabbi.

"Well, Rabbi, what do you do with the candle drippings?" he asked.

"A good question," noted the Rabbi. "We actually save them up. When we have enough, we send them back to the candle maker and every now and then, they send us a free box of candles."

"Oh," replied the auditor somewhat disappointed that his question actually had a practical answer. So he thought he'd try another question, in his obnoxious way...

"Rabbi, what about all these matzo purchases?
What do you do with the crumbs from the matzo?

"Ah, yes," replied the Rabbi calmly, "we actually collect up the crumbs, we send them in a box back to the manufacturer and every now and then, they send a free box of matzo balls."

"Oh," replied the auditor, thinking hard how to fluster the Rabbi.

"Well, Rabbi," he went on, "what do you do with all the foreskins from the circumcisions?"
"Yes, here too, we do not waste," answered the Rabbi.
"What we do is save up all the foreskins,
and when we have enough we actually send them to the IRS "

[pinstripers]

A farmer was sitting in the neighborhood bar getting drunk. A man came in and asked the farmer, “Hey, why are you sitting here on this beautiful day, getting drunk?”

The farmer shook his head and replied, “Some things you just can’t explain.”

“So what happened that’s so horrible?” the man asked as he sat down next to the farmer.

“Well,” the farmer said, “today I was sitting by my cow, milking her. Just as I got the bucket full, she lifted her left leg and kicked over the bucket.”

“Okay,” said the man, “but that’s not so bad.”

“Some things you just can’t explain,” the farmer replied.

“So what happened then?” the man asked. The farmer said, “I took her left leg and tied it to the post on the left.”

“And then?”

“Well, I sat back down and continued to milk her. Just as I got the bucket full, she took her right leg and kicked over the bucket.”

The man laughed and said, “Again?”

The farmer replied, “Some things you just can’t explain.”

“So, what did you do then?” the man asked.

“I took her right leg this time and tied it to the post on the right.”

“And then?”

“Well, I sat back down and began milking her again. Just as I got the bucket full, the stupid cow knocked over the bucket with her tail.”

“Hmmm,” the man said and nodded his head.

“Some things you just can’t explain,” the farmer said.

“So, what did you do?” the man asked.

Well,” the farmer said, “I didn’t have any more rope, so I took off my belt and tied her tail to the rafter. In that moment, my pants fell down and my wife walked in… Some things you just can’t explain.”