Humor

[pinstripers]

On the first day of school, the children brought gifts for their teacher.


The supermarket manager's daughter brought the teacher a basket of assorted fruit.

The florist's son brought the teacher a bouquet of flowers.

The candy-store owner's daughter gave the teacher a pretty box of candy

Then the liquor-store owner's son brought up a big, heavy box. The teacher lifted it up and noticed that it was leaking a little bit..She touched a drop of the liquid with her finger and tasted it.

"Is it wine?" she guessed.

"No," the boy replied. She tasted another drop and asked, "Champagne?"

"No," said the little boy............"It's a puppy!"

[im4wsu]

Here is old age at its best…




Russ and Sam, two friends, met in the park every day to feed the pigeons, watch the squirrels and discuss world problems.

One day Russ didn't show up. Sam didn't think much about it and figured maybe he had a cold or something..

But after Russ hadn't shown up for a week or so, Sam really got worried.

However, since the only time they ever got together was at the park, Sam didn't know where Russ lived, so he was unable to find out what had happened to him.

A month had passed, and Sam figured he had seen the last of Russ, but one day, Sam approached the park and-- lo and behold! -- there sat Russ!

Sam was very excited and happy to see him and told him so.

Then he said, 'For crying out loud Russ, what in the world happened to you?'

Russ replied, 'I have been in jail.'

'Jail!' cried Sam. What in the world for?'

'Well,' Russ said, 'you know Sue, that cute little blonde waitress at the coffee shop where I sometimes go?'

'Yeah,' said Sam, 'I remember her. What about her?'

'Well, the little gold-digging witch figured I was rich and she filed rape charges against me; and, at 89 years old, I was so proud that when I got into court, I pleaded 'guilty'.

'The judge gave me 30 days for perjury.'

[pinstripers]

The City's largest Charitable Organization realized that it had never received a donation

from the city's most successful lawyer. So a volunteer paid the lawyer a visit in his lavish office.


The volunteer opened the meeting by saying, 'Our research shows that even though your annual incomeis over two million dollars, you don't give a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give somethingback to your community?

The lawyer thinks for a minute and says, 'First, did your research also show you that my mother

is dying after a long painful illness, and she has huge medical bills that are far beyond her ability to pay?'

Embarrassed, the rep mumbles, 'Uh... No, I didn't know that.'

'Secondly,' says the lawyer, 'did it show that my brother, a disabled Veteran, is blind and confined

to a wheelchair and is unable to support his wife and six children?

The stricken rep begins to stammer an apology, but is cut off again.

'Thirdly, did your research also show you that my sister's husband died in a dreadful car accident,

leaving her penniless with a mortgage and three children, one of whom is disabled and another

that has learning disabilities requiring an array of private tutors?'

The humiliated rep, completely beaten, says, 'I'm so sorry. I had no idea.



So the lawyer says, 'So, if I didn't give any money to them, what makes you think I'd give any to you?'

[WstateU]

[WstateU]

There was a 'boner-killing' reference in another thread by shock Top... didn't want to hijack. :)

[im4wsu]

enemies.jpg


Meet Walter Barnes



All golfers should live so long as to become this kind of old man!

Toward the end of the Sunday service, the Minister asked, "How many of you have forgiven your enemies?"

80% held up their hands. The Minister then repeated his question. All responded this time, except one man, Walter Barnes.

"Mr. Barnes, are you not willing to forgive your enemies?"

"I don't have any," he replied gruffly.

"Mr. Barnes, that is very unusual. How old are you?"

"Ninety-eight," he replied The congregation stood up and clapped their hands.

"Oh, Mr. Barnes, would you please come down in front and tell us all how a person can live ninety-eight years and not have an enemy in the world?"

The old golfer tottered down the aisle, stopped in front of the pulpit, turned around, faced the congregation, and said simply, "I outlived all them assholes."



Then he calmly returned to his seat.

[WstateU]

[pinstripers]

Alvin slowly walked out of his wife's hospital room. The doctor met him in the hall. "Doctor, it's been 5 days. What are the chances Irene ever comes out of her coma?" The doctor responded in a calm and quiet voice, explaining that in cases like Irene's, time and rest and quiet are required as the human body tries to heal itself. Alvin is distraught, needing more immediate answers. Rubbing his chin thoughtfully, the doctor finally says," well, there is an idea from the Orient. I've only read about it, never seen it done, but there is a school of thought over there that perhaps the stimulation of oral sex can bring a patient closer to the surface of consciousness. I can't recommend it, but who knows? I'll leave the two of you alone for a few minutes." Desperate, Alvin re-enters his wife's room. A few moments later, alarms are going off all over the floor. Hospital staff comes rushing into Irene's room with a crash cart. "She's flatlining!" one the nurses screamed. Try as they might, they cannot bring Irene back. Later, as the doctor stood consoling Alvin, Alvin asked, "so the stimulation was just to much for her heart? Was that it, doctor?" "I'm afraid not, Alvin," replied the doctor. "It appears to me that she choked to death."

[pinstripers]

Subject: I am trying a new anger mgmt technique, thought maybe some of you might be interested.
When you occasionally have a really bad day, and you just need to take it out on someone, don't take it out on someone you know, take it out on someone you don't know.
I was sitting at my desk when I remembered a phone call I'd forgotten to make. I found the number and dialed it. A man answered, saying "Hello."
I politely said, "This is Chris. Could I please speak with Robyn?"
Suddenly, a manic voice yelled in my ear "Get the right f***ing number!" and the phone was slammed down on me.
I couldn't believe that anyone could be so rude. When I tracked down Robyn's correct number, I found that I had accidentally transposed
the last two digits.
After hanging up with her, I decided to call the 'wrong' number again.
When the same guy answered the phone, I yelled "You're an asshole!"
and hung up. I wrote his number down with the word 'asshole' next to it and put it in my desk drawer.
Every couple of weeks, when I was paying bills or had a really bad day, I'd call him up and yell "You're an asshole!" It always cheered me up.
When Caller ID was introduced, I thought my therapeutic 'asshole' calling would have to stop. So, I called his number and said, "Hi, this is John Smith from the telephone company. I'm calling to see if you're familiar with our Caller ID Program?"
He yelled "NO!" and slammed down the phone. I quickly called him back and said, "That's because you're an asshole!" and hung up.
One day I was at the store, getting ready to pull into a parking spot. Some guy in a black BMW cut me off and pulled into the spot I had patiently waited for. I hit the horn and yelled that I'd been waiting
for that spot, but the idiot ignored me. I noticed a "For Sale " sign in his back window, so I wrote down his number.
A couple of days later, right after calling the first asshole (I had his num ber on speed dial) I thought that I'd better call the BMW asshole, too.
I said, "Is this the man with the black BMW for sale?" He said "Yes, it is." I asked, "Can you tell me where I can see it?" He said, "Yes, I live at 34 Oaktree Blvd. in Fairfax . It's a yellow rambler, and the car's
parked right out in front."
I asked, "What's your name?"
He said, "My name is Don Hansen."
I asked "When's a good time to catch you, Don?"
He said, "I'm home every evening after five."
I said, "Listen, Don, can I tell you something?"
He said, "Yes?"
I said, "Don, you're an asshole!"
Then I hung up, and added his number to my speed dial, too. Now, when I had a problem, I had two assholes to call.
Then, I came up with an idea. I called asshole #1.
He said, "Hello." I said, "You're an asshole!" (But I didn't hang up.)
He asked, "Are you still there?"
I said, "Yeah." He said, "Stop calling me."
I said, "Make me." He asked, "Who are you?"
I said, "My name is Don Hansen."
He said, "Yeah? Where do you live?"
I said, "Asshole, I live at 34 Oaktree Blvd. , in Fairfax, a yellow rambler, I have a
black Beamer parked in front."
He said, "I'm coming over right now Don. And you better start saying your prayers."
I said, "Yeah, like I'm really scared, asshole." And hung up.
Then, I called asshole #2.
He said, "Hello?"
I said, "Hello, asshole."
He yelled, "If I ever find out who you are....."
I said, "You'll what?"
He exclaimed, "I'll kick your ass!"
I answered, "Well, asshole, here's your chance, I'm coming over right now."
Then I hung up and immediately called the police, saying that I lived at 34 Oaktree Blvd , in Fairfax , and that I was on my way home to kill my gay lover.
Then I called Channel 9 News and reported a gang war going down on Oaktree Blvd. in Fairfax ..
I quickly got into my car and headed over to Fairfax . I got there just in time to watch two assholes beating the crap out of each other in front six cop cars, an overhead news helicopter, and surrounded by news crews.
NOW I feel much better.
Anger management really does work.






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[WstateU]

This might be debatable humor, but LMAO.

Watch the rat (the real Stuart Little) wash his underarms and butt crack.

[pinstripers]

An old hillbilly farmer had a wife who nagged him unmercifully.

From morning til night (and sometimes later), she was always complaining about something.

The only time he got any relief was when he was out plowing with his old mule. He tried to plow a lot.

One day, when he was out plowing, his wife brought him lunch in the field.

He drove the old mule into the shade, sat down on a stump, and began to eat his lunch.

Immediately, his wife began pestering him. Complain, nag, nag; it just went on and on.

All of a sudden, the old mule lashed out with both hind feet; caught her smack in the back of the head. Killed her dead on the spot.

At the funeral several days later, the minister noticed something rather odd.

When a woman mourner would approach the old farmer, he would listen for a minute, then nod his head in agreement; but when a man mourner approached him, he would listen for a minute, then shake his head in disagreement.

This was so consistent, the minister decided to ask the old farmer about it.

So after the funeral, the minister spoke to the old farmer, and asked him why he nodded his head and agreed with the women, but always shook his head and disagreed with all the men.

The old farmer said, “Well, the women would come up and say something about how nice my wife looked, or how pretty her dress was, so I’d nod my head in agreement.”

“And what about the men?” the minister asked.

“They wanted to know if the mule was for sale.”

[WstateU]

An old hillbilly farmer had a wife who nagged him unmercifully.

From morning til night (and sometimes later), she was always complaining about something.

The only time he got any relief was when he was out plowing with his old mule. He tried to plow a lot.

One day, when he was out plowing, his wife brought him lunch in the field.

He drove the old mule into the shade, sat down on a stump, and began to eat his lunch.

Immediately, his wife began pestering him. Complain, nag, nag; it just went on and on.

All of a sudden, the old mule lashed out with both hind feet; caught her smack in the back of the head. Killed her dead on the spot.

At the funeral several days later, the minister noticed something rather odd.

When a woman mourner would approach the old farmer, he would listen for a minute, then nod his head in agreement; but when a man mourner approached him, he would listen for a minute, then shake his head in disagreement.

This was so consistent, the minister decided to ask the old farmer about it.

So after the funeral, the minister spoke to the old farmer, and asked him why he nodded his head and agreed with the women, but always shook his head and disagreed with all the men.

The old farmer said, “Well, the women would come up and say something about how nice my wife looked, or how pretty her dress was, so I’d nod my head in agreement.”

“And what about the men?” the minister asked.

“They wanted to know if the mule was for sale.”

[pinstripers]

https://twitter.com/Jeopardy

[pinstripers]

Bill Clinton, Dan Quayle and Newt Gingrich are out in the Rose Garden discussing policy when all of a sudden a gigantic tornado comes and sweeps them up into the air, only to bring them crashing down a little while later.

They get up, dust themselves off, and look out in the distance, where they see the Emerald City. They suddenly realize they’re in the land of Oz.

“Oh, boy!” says Qualye. “I’m going to go see the Wizard and ask him for a brain!”

“Yeah!” says Gingrich. “And I’m going to ask him for a heart!”

“Hey!” says Clinton, looking around. “Where’s Dorothy?”

[WstateU]

Here's another example of the witch hunt caused by the flood of sexual abuse allegations:


I just read of a professional, after 7 yrs of medical school and training has been fired for one minor indiscretion. He slept with one of his patients and can no longer work in the profession. What a waste of time, effort, training and money. He's still paying off his school loans. This just goes to show you, one minor mistake can ruin your life. Thoughts and prayers for him and his family. The article says he really is a great guy and a brilliant veterinarian.

[im4wsu]

A KState or Colorado State grad, huh?