-
"I not sure that I've ever been around a more competitive player or young man than Fred VanVleet. I like to win more than 99.9% of the people in this world, but he may top me." -- Gregg Marshall 12/23/13 :peaceful:
---------------------------------------
Remember when Nancy Pelosi said about Obamacare:
"We have to pass it, to find out what's in it".
A physician called into a radio show and said:
"That's the definition of a stool sample." -
"You Just Want to Slap The #### Outta Some People"Comment
-
An actual commercial but I found it humorous (and effective). Only for manly men though.
Last edited by 1972Shocker; May 30, 2018, 01:07 PM.Comment
-
-
"You Just Want to Slap The #### Outta Some People"Comment
-
A DEAF MUTE GUY WALKS UP TO A FOURSOME ON THE FIRST HOLE, HANDS ONE OF
THE PLAYERS A CARD THAT SAYS: “ I AM A DEAF MUTE, PLAYING AS A
SINGLE, MAY I PLAY THROUGH?”
THE GUY THAT GETS THE CARD IS A TOTAL JERK, SHAKES HIS HEAD NO, AND
POINTS THE DEAF MUTE TO GO BACK AND WAIT HIS TURN.
A FEW HOLES LATER THE JERK IS STANDING IN THE FAIRWAY AND GETS HIT IN
THE HEAD BY A GOLF BALL.
ANGRY AND IN EXCRUCIATING PAIN, HE TURNS AROUND AND SEES THE DEAF MUTE
HOLDING UP FOUR FINGERS.
Sorry...
giphy.gifLast edited by Kung Wu; June 11, 2018, 03:27 PM."You Just Want to Slap The #### Outta Some People"Comment
-
THE JEWISH QUARTERBACK
The coach had put together the perfect team for the Chicago Bears. The only thing that was missing was a good quarterback. He had scouted all the colleges and even the Canadian and European Leagues, but he couldn't find a ringer who could ensure a Super Bowl win.
Then one night while watching CNN he saw a war-zone scene in the West Bank In one corner of the background, he spotted a young Israeli soldier with a truly incredible arm. He threw a hand-grenade straight into a 15th story window 100 yards away.
KABOOM!
He threw another hand-grenade 75 yards away, right into a chimney.
KA-BLOOEY!
Then he threw another at a passing car going 90 mph.
BULLS-EYE!
"I've got to get this guy!" Coach said to himself. "He has the perfect arm!"
So, he brings him to the States and teaches him the great game of football. And the Bears go on to win the Super Bowl.
The young man is hailed as the great hero of football, and when the coach asks him what he wants, all the young man wants is to call his mother.
"Mom," he says into the phone, "I just won the Super Bowl!"
"I don't want to talk to you, the old woman says."You are not my son!"
"I don't think you understand, Mother," the young man pleads. "I've won the greatest sporting event in the world. I'm here among thousands of my adoring fans."
"No! Let me tell you!" his mother retorts. "At this very moment, there are gunshots all around us. The neighborhood is a pile of rubble. Your two brothers were beaten within an inch of their lives last week, and I have to keep your sister in the house so she doesn't get raped!" The old lady pauses, and then tearfully says,
"I will never forgive you for making us move to Chicago!"Last edited by Kung Wu; June 11, 2018, 03:28 PM."You Just Want to Slap The #### Outta Some People"Comment
-
My boss, who is on vacation, phoned me today. He said, "Is everything ok at the office?"
I said, "It's all under control. It's been a very busy day. I haven't had a chance to take a break all day."
"Can you do me a favor?", he asked.
I said, "Of course. What is it?"
"Pick up the pace a little. I'm in the foursome behind you."
Last edited by Kung Wu; June 11, 2018, 03:28 PM."You Just Want to Slap The #### Outta Some People"Comment
-
Joe passed away. His will provided $30,000 for an elaborate funeral.
As the last guests departed the affair, his wife, Helen, turned to her oldest friend. "Well, I'm sure Joe would be pleased," she said.
"I'm sure you're right," replied Jody, who lowered her voice and leaned in close. "How much did this really cost?"
"All of it," said Helen. "Thirty thousand."
"No!" Jody exclaimed. "I mean, it was very nice, but $30,000?"
Helen answered. "The funeral was $6,500. I donated $500 to the church. The wake, food, and drinks were another $500. The rest went for the memorial stone."
Jody computed quickly. "$22,500 for a memorial stone? My God, how big is it?!"
"Two and a half carats."Comment
-
Stormy Daniels and Queen Elizabeth went to the Pearly Gates on the same day. They both met with an angel to find out if they would be admitted to Heaven
The angel said: "Unfortunately, there's only one space available in Heaven today so I must decide which one of you will be admitted.”
The angel asked Stormy if there was some particular reason why she should go to Heaven. Stormy took off her top and said: "Look at these, they're the most perfect breasts God ever created and I'm sure it will please God to be able to see them every day, for eternity.”
The angel thanked Stormy, and asked Her Majesty, Queen Elizabeth the same question.
The Queen walked over to a toilet, pulled the lever and flushed it without saying a word.
The Angel immediately said: "Okay, your Majesty, you may go into Heaven.”
Stormy was outraged and asked, "What was that all about? I showed you two of God's own perfect creations and you turned me down. She simply flushed a commode and she got admitted to Heaven! Would you explain that to me?”
"Sorry, Stormy," said the Angel, "but even in Heaven, a royal flush beats a pair, no matter how big they are.
"You Just Want to Slap The #### Outta Some People"Comment
-
There were four sophomores taking chemistry and all of them had an 'A'
so far. These four friends were so confident that the weekend before
finals, they decided to visit some friends and have a big party. They
had a great time but, after all the hearty partying, they slept all
day Sunday and didn't make it back to Florida State until early Monday
morning.
Rather than taking the final then, they decided that after the final
they would explain to their professor why they missed it. They said
that they visited friends but on the way back they had a flat tire. As
a result, they missed the final. The professor agreed they could make
up the final the next day. The guys were excited and relieved. They
studied that night for the exam.
The next day the Professor placed them in separate rooms and gave them
a test booklet They quickly answered the first problem worth 5
points. Cool, they thought! Each one, in a separate room, thought
this was going to be easy ... then they turned the page. On the
second page was written..
For 95 points: Which tire? _________.
"You Just Want to Slap The #### Outta Some People"Comment
-
Calvin got exactly what he deserved.
Calvin Rickson, an engineer from Texas A&M University, has designed a bra that keeps women's breasts from jiggling, bouncing up and down, and stops nipples from pushing through the fabric when cold weather sets in.
After a news conference announcing the invention, a large group of Texans took Mr. Rickson outside and kicked the **** out of him.Comment
-
At a travel agency in Shanghai, I asked the beautiful Chinese girl behind
the counter if she could escort me on a city tour and I asked her for her mobile
number so I could call her to make arrangements.
She gave me a big smile, nodded her head and said,
“Sex sex sex, wan free sex for tonight.”
I replied, “Wow, you Chinese women are really hospitable.”
A guy standing next to me overheard, tapped me on the shoulder and said,
“What she really said was: 666-13-6429.”"You Just Want to Slap The #### Outta Some People"Comment
-
A small zoo in North Carolina obtained a very rare species of gorilla. Within a few weeks the gorilla, a female, became very difficult to handle. Upon examination, the veterinarian determined the problem. The gorilla was in heat. To make matters worse, there was no male gorilla available.
Thinking about their problem, the Zoo Keeper thought of Bobby Lee Walton, a redneck part-time worker responsible for cleaning the animal cages. Bobby Lee, like most rednecks, had little sense but possessed ample ability to satisfy a female of any species. The Zoo Keeper thought they might have a solution.
Bobby Lee was approached with a proposition. Would he be willing to mate with the gorilla for $500.00?
Bobby Lee showed some interest but said he would have to think the matter over carefully. The following day, he announced that he would accept their offer, but only under five conditions:
"First", Bobby Lee said, "I ain't gonna kiss her on the lips." The Keeper quickly agreed to this condition.
"Second", he said, "She must wear a 'Dale Earnhardt Forever' T-Shirt." The keeper again readily agreed to this condition.
"Third", he said, "you can't never tell no one about this." The keeper again readily agreed to this condition.
"Fourth", Bobby Lee said, "I want all the children raised Southern Baptist." Once again it was agreed.
And last," Bobby Lee said, "I'm gonna need another week to come up with the $500.00.
"You Just Want to Slap The #### Outta Some People"Comment
-
Taking a wee break from the golf course, Rory Mcllroy drives his new Mercedes into an Irish gas station. An attendant greets him in a typical Irish manner, unaware who the golf pro is...
"Top o’ the mornin to ya."
As Rory gets out of the car, two tees fall out of his pocket.
"What are those things, laddie?" asks the attendant.
"They're called tees," replies Rory.
"And what would ya be usin 'em for, now?" inquires the Irishman.
"Well, they're for resting my balls on when I drive," replies Rory.
"Aw, Jaysus, Maryan' Joseph!" exclaims the Irish attendant. "Those fellas at Mercedes think of everything."
"You Just Want to Slap The #### Outta Some People"Comment
Tweet
Comment