Humor

[RoyalShock]

A father texts his son:
"My Dear Son,
Today is a day you will treasure for all the days of your life.
My best love and good wishes.
Your Father."

His Son texts back:

"Thanks Dad. But the wedding isn't actually until tomorrow!"

His Father replies:
"I know."

We need a "Like, but can't like" button.

[ShockerDropOut]

A father texts his son:
"My Dear Son,
Today is a day you will treasure for all the days of your life.
My best love and good wishes.
Your Father."

His Son texts back:

"Thanks Dad. But the wedding isn't actually until tomorrow!"

His Father replies:
"I know."

My wife failed to see the humor. I don't understand.

[pinstripers]

Peggy's Uncle Debbert tole me that his wife screamed during sex last night. "Guess I shoulda knocked," he said.

[WstateU]

[WstateU]

The "F" Word

When is " @#$% " or " @#$%ing " Acceptable?

There are "only 11 times in history" where the "F" word has been "considered acceptable for use"......... (That is not meant to be a challenge!)


They are as follows in DECENDING order.......

11. "What the @#$% do you mean, we are sinking?"

-- Capt. E.J. Smith of RMS Titanic, 1912


10. "What the @#$% was that?"

-- Mayor Of Hiroshima, 1945


9. "Where did all those @#$%ing Indians come from?"

-- George Custer, 1877


8. "Any @#$%ing idiot could understand that."

-- Albert Einstein, 1938


7. "It does so @#$%ing look like her!"

-- Picasso, 1926


6. "How the @#$% did you work that out?"

-- Pythagoras, 126 BC


5. "You want WHAT on the @#$%ing ceiling?"

-- Michelangelo, 1566


4. "Where the @#$% are we?"

-- Amelia Earhart, 1937


3. "Scattered @#$%ing showers, my ass!"

-- Noah, 4314 BC


2. "Aw c’mon Monica. Who the @#$% is going to find out?"

-- Bill Clinton, 1998

"AND THE WINNING @#$% or @##$%ING IS".......


1. "There is no @#$%ing way Trump will ever become President"

[pinstripers]

Florida Woman Foils Alligator Attack Using a Small Beretta Pistol:

This is a story of self-control and marksmanship by a brave, cool-headed woman with a small pistol against a fierce predator. What’s the smallest caliber that you would trust to protect yourself?
A Beretta Jetfire. Here’s her story in her own words:

"While out walking along the edge of a pond just outside my house in The Villages with my soon
to be ex-husband discussing property settlement and other divorce issues, we were surprised by a huge 12-ft. alligator which suddenly emerged from the murky water and began charging us with its large jaws wide open. She must have been protecting her nest because she was extremely aggressive.

If I had not had my little Beretta Jetfire .25 caliber pistol with me, I would not be here today!"
"Just one shot to my estranged husband's knee cap was all it took. The 'gator got him easily and I was able to escape by just walking away at a brisk pace.
It's one of the best pistols in my collection, plus the amount I saved in lawyer's fees was really incredible. His life insurance was a big bonus.

[pinstripers]

While golfing, I took a quick turn to avoid hitting a chuck hole, and accidentally overturned my golf cart.

A very beautiful and attractive golfer, who lived right there on the edge of the golf course, heard the noise, came running out of her villa and shouted, "Are you okay?"

As I looked up I noticed she was wearing only a silky see through bath robe which was partially open, revealing what appeared to be a VERY nice figure

"I'm okay I think," I replied as I pulled myself out from under the twisted cart.

She said, " Please follow me to my villa so I can clean and bandage that nasty scrape on your head, then you can rest a while, and I'll help you upright the cart later."

"That's mighty nice of you," I answered, but I don't think my wife will like me doing that!

"Oh, come on now," she insisted. " We need to see if you have any more scrapes and treat them if so". Well, after all, she was really pretty and very, very persuasive.

Being sort of shaken and weak, I finally agreed, but repeated, "I'm sure my wife won't like this."

We walked to her place just a 100 yards away, and after a couple of Scotch and waters and the bandaging, I thanked her and said, "I feel a lot better now, but I know my wife is going to be really upset, so I'd better go now."

"Don't be silly!" she said with a smile, letting her robe fall even more open. "Stay for a while. She won't know anything, and by the way, where is she?"

I replied, "Still under the cart, I guess."

[im4wsu]

A nice, calm, and respectable lady
went into the pharmacy, walked up
to the pharmacist, looked straight
into his eyes, and said,
“I would like to buy some cyanide.”

The pharmacist asked,
“Why in the world do you need cyanide?”
The lady replied, “I need it to poison my husband.”
The pharmacist’s eyes got big and he exclaimed,

“Lord have mercy!
I can’t give you cyanide to kill your husband

Absolutely not!
You CANNOT have any cyanide!”

The lady reached into her purse
and pulled out a picture of her husband
in bed with the pharmacist’s wife.

The pharmacist looked at the picture and said,
“You didn’t tell me you had a prescription.”

[Half Brother Dan]

The "F" Word



1. "There is no @#$%ing way Trump will ever become President"

I still think this daily lol

[WstateU]

A couple of old guys were golfing when one mentioned that he was going to go to Dr. Steinberg for a new set of dentures the next morning.
His elderly buddy remarked that he, too, had gone to the very same dentist two years before.
"Is that so?" asked the first old guy. "Did he do a good job?"
The second oldster replied, "Well, I was on the golf course yesterday when a guy on the next fairway hooked a shot. The ball must have been going at least 180 mph when it slammed me right in the testicles."
The first old guy was confused and asked, "What the hell does that have to do with your dentures?"
"It was the first time in two years my teeth didn't hurt."

[pinstripers]

Bob, a 70-year-old, extremely wealthy widower, shows up at the Country Club with a breathtakingly beautiful and very sexy 25-year-old blonde-haired woman who knocks everyone's socks off with her youthful sex appeal and charm and who hangs on his arm and listens intently to his every word.

His buddies at the club are all aghast.

At their very first chance, they corner him and ask, “Bob, how did you get the trophy girlfriend?”

Bob replied, “Girlfriend? She is my wife!”

They all are knocked over, but continue to ask: “So, how did you persuade her to marry you?”

“I lied about my age,” Bob replied.

“What? Did you tell her you were only 50?”

Bob smiled and said, “No, I told her I was 90.”

[im4wsu]

A young boy went up to his father and asked, "Dad, what is the difference between 'potentially' and realistically'?



The father thought for a moment, then answered, 'Go ask your mother if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars.



Then ask your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars, and then ask your brother if he'd sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Come back and tell me what you learn from that.'



So the boy went to his mother and asked, 'Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?'



The mother replied, 'Of course I would! We could really use that money to fix up the house and send you kids to a great University!



The boy then went to his sister and asked, 'Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?'



The girl replied, 'Oh my Gawd! I LOVE Brad Pitt I would sleep with him in a heartbeat, are you nuts?'



The boy then went to his brother and asked, 'Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?'



'Of course,' the brother replied. 'Do you know what a million Bucks would buy?'



The boy pondered the answers for a few days and then went back to his dad.



Hisfather asked him, "Did you find out the difference between 'potentially' and 'realistically'?"



The boy replied, "Yes, 'Potentially', you and I are sitting on three million dollars.



"But 'realistically', we're just living with two hookers and a queer."

[im4wsu]

Paddy and Mick were walking along a street in London.Paddy looked in one of
The shop windows and saw a sign that caught his eye.The sign read.
"Suits £5.00 each, Shirts £3.00 each, Trousers £450 per pair".
Paddy said to his pal"Mick look at these prices!
We could buy a whole lot of those and when we get back to Ireland we could make a fortune.
Now when we go in you stay quiet, okay? Let me do all da talking 'cause if they hear
Our accents, they might think we're thicko's from Ireland and try to screw us.
I'll put on me best English accent."
"Roight y'are Paddy, I'll keep me mout shut, so I will. You do all da business" said Mick
They go in and Paddy said in a posh voice "Hello my good man. I'll take 50 suits at £5.00 each, 100 shirts at £3..00 each
And 50 pairs of trousers at £4.50 each.
And oy’ll back up me truck ready to load 'em on, so I will."
The owner of the shop said quietly "You're from Ireland , aren't you?"
"Well yes" said a surprised Paddy. "What gave it away?"
The owner replied "This is a dry-cleaner.

[WstateU]

For those of my generation who do not, and cannot, comprehend why Facebook exists: I am trying to make friends outside of Facebook while applying the same principles.

Therefore, every day I walk down the street and tell passersby what I have eaten, how I feel at the moment, what I have done the night before, what I will do later and with whom. I give them pictures of my family, my dog, and of me gardening, taking things apart in the garage, watering the lawn, standing in front of landmarks, driving around town, having lunch, and doing what anybody and everybody does every day.

I also listen to their conversations, give them the "thumbs up" and tell them I like them. And it works just like Facebook.

I already have four people following me: two police officers, a private investigator and a psychiatrist.

[pinstripers]

Mrs. p and I were sitting at a table at her high school reunion, and she kept staring at a drunken man swigging his drink as he sat alone at a nearby table.
I asked her, "Do you know him?"
"Yes", she sighed, "He's my old boyfriend. I understand he took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear he hasn't been sober since."
"My God!" I said, "Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?"