Humor

[Kung Wu]

As most of you know, the hashtag symbol was originally called a "pound" sign. Seems like a marketing problem ...

#metoo

[pinstripers]

John took his blind date to the carnival.

“What would you like to do first, Mary?” asked John. “I want to get weighed,” she said. They ambled over to the weight guesser. He guessed 120 pounds. She got on the scale, it read 117 and she won a prize.

Next the couple went on the Ferris wheel. When the ride was over, John again asked Mary what she would like to do. “I want to get weighed,” she said. Back to the weight guesser they went.
Since they had been there before, he guessed her correct weight, and John lost his dollar.
The couple walked around the carnival and again he asked where to go next. “I want to get weighed,” she responded. By this time, John figured she was really weird and took her home early, dropping her off with a handshake.
Her roommate, Laura, asked her about the blind date, How’d it go?”
Mary responded, “Oh, Waura, it was wousy.

[WstateU]

Technology Can Get You Killed

Text message to neighbor:

Hi, Fred, this is Hank, next door. I’ve got a confession to make. I’ve been riddled with guilt for a few months and have been trying to get up the courage to tell you face-to-face. At least I’m telling you in this text and I can’t live with myself a minute longer without you knowing about this. The truth is that when you’re not around I’ve been sharing your wife, day and night. In fact, probably more frequently than you. I haven’t been getting it at home recently and I know that that’s no excuse. The temptation was just too great. I can’t live with the guilt and hope you’ll accept my sincere apology and forgive me. Please suggest a fee for usage and I’ll pay you.
Regards,
Hank.

Neighbor’s response:

Fred, feeling so angered and betrayed, grabbed his gun and shot Hank, killing him. He went back home and poured himself a stiff drink and sat down on the sofa. Fred then looked at his phone and discovered a second text message from Hank.

Second text message:

Hi, Fred, Hank here again. Sorry about the typo on my last text. I expect you figured it out and noticed that the damned Auto-Correct had changed “wi-fi” to “wife.”
Technology, huh? It’ll be the death of us all.
Regards,
Hank

[pinstripers]

A married couple were in a terrible accident in which the woman’s face was severely burned. The doctor told the husband that they couldn’t graft any skin from her body because she was too thin. So the husband offered to donate some of his own skin.

However, the only skin on his body that the doctor felt was suitable would have to come from his buttocks. The husband and wife agreed that they would tell no one about where the skin came from, and requested that the doctor also honour their secret.
After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the woman’s new beauty. She looked more beautiful than she ever had before! All her friends and relatives just went on and on about her youthful beauty!
One day, she was alone with her husband, and she was overcome with emotion at his sacrifice. She said, ”Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me. There is no way I could ever repay you.”
“My darling,” he replied, ”Think nothing of it. I get all the thanks I need every time I see your mother kiss you on the cheek.”

[im4wsu]

I was eating breakfast with my teen-aged Granddaughter and I asked her,

What special day is it tomorrow?"


Without skipping a beat she said, "It's U.S. Congressman's Day!"

She's smart, so I asked her "What does that mean?"

I was not ready for what she was about to say.

She replied, "U.S. Congressman's Day is when they step out of the Capital Building and see their shadow, we have 4 more years of Bull ****."

You know, it hurts when hot coffee spurts out your nose.

[pinstripers]

Fred is 32 years old and he is still single.

One day a friend asked, “Why aren’t you married? Can’t you find a woman who will be a good wife?”

Fred replied, “Actually, I’ve found many women that I have wanted to marry, but when I bring them home to meet my parents, my mother doesn’t like them.”

His friend thinks for a moment and says, “I’ve got the perfect solution, just find a girl who’s just like your mother.”

A few months later they meet again and his friend says, “Did you find the perfect girl? Did your mother like her?”

With a frown on his face, Fred answers, “Yes, I found the perfect girl. She was just like my mother. You were right, my mother liked her very much.”

The friend said, “Then what’s the problem?”

Fred replied, “My father doesn’t like her.”

[pinstripers]

A woman arrives home from work and her husband notices she’s wearing a diamond necklace. He asks his wife, “Where did you get that necklace?”

She replies, “I won it in a raffle at work. Go get my bath ready while I start dinner.”

The next day, the women arrives home from work wearing a diamond bracelet. Her husband asks, “Where did you get the bracelet?”

She replies, “I won it in a raffle at work. Go get my bath ready while I start dinner.”

The next day, her husband notices she arrives home from work wearing a mink coat. He says, “I suppose you won that in a raffle at work?” She replies, “Yeah I did! How did you guess? Go get my bath ready while I start supper.”

Later after supper, she goes to take her bath and she notices there is only one inch of water in the tub. She yells to her husband, “HEY! There’s only an inch of water in the tub.” He replies, “I didn’t want you to get your raffle ticket wet.”

[pinstripers]

Driving home late one night, a man spotted a car on fire. He rushed over to help and saw that a beautiful woman was trapped inside, bleeding to death. He dragged her to safety from the flames, wrapped her in a blanket and drove her to the nearest hospital. Over the next six months, he regularly donated blood to keep her alive. It was touch and go whether she pulled through, but eventually she did recover and later that year they got married.

For two years they lived happily together, but then she grew restless and decided to leave him. As she came down the stairs one morning, carrying two large suitcases and a set of car keys, he challenged her: “Where are you going?”

“I’m leaving you,” she said coldly.

“What are you doing with the car keys?”

“I’m leaving in the Mercedes.”

“No, you’re not. It’s my car. I paid for that. You’re not having it.”

“Fine,” she said, and threw the keys at him.

“And what’s in those bulging suitcases?” he demanded.

“My clothes,” she said.

“You mean the clothes I’ve paid for? They’re not going anywhere!”

“Fine,” she said, tipping out the cases before stripping off completely and hurling her clothes at him.

“And,” he continued, warming to the theme, “what about the blood in your body? I sat with you for six months in the hospital. You know half of the blood is mine. You’re not going anywhere.”

With that, she whipped out her tampon and said: “I’ll pay you back in monthly instalments!”

[WstateU]

Driving home late one night, a man spotted a car on fire. He rushed over to help and saw that a beautiful woman was trapped inside, bleeding to death. He dragged her to safety from the flames, wrapped her in a blanket and drove her to the nearest hospital. Over the next six months, he regularly donated blood to keep her alive. It was touch and go whether she pulled through, but eventually she did recover and later that year they got married.

For two years they lived happily together, but then she grew restless and decided to leave him. As she came down the stairs one morning, carrying two large suitcases and a set of car keys, he challenged her: “Where are you going?”

“I’m leaving you,” she said coldly.

“What are you doing with the car keys?”

“I’m leaving in the Mercedes.”

“No, you’re not. It’s my car. I paid for that. You’re not having it.”

“Fine,” she said, and threw the keys at him.

“And what’s in those bulging suitcases?” he demanded.

“My clothes,” she said.

“You mean the clothes I’ve paid for? They’re not going anywhere!”

“Fine,” she said, tipping out the cases before stripping off completely and hurling her clothes at him.

“And,” he continued, warming to the theme, “what about the blood in your body? I sat with you for six months in the hospital. You know half of the blood is mine. You’re not going anywhere.”

With that, she whipped out her tampon and said: “I’ll pay you back in monthly instalments!”

[WstateU]

Department of the Navy is now assigning females to quarters
in a separate private "OFF LIMITS" area on all aircraft carriers.
While addressing all personnel at Pearl Harbor, CINCPAC advised,
"Female sleeping quarters will be "out-of-bounds" for all males.
Anyone caught breaking this rule will be fined $50 the first time."
And the Admiral continued,
"Anyone caught breaking this rule the second time will be fined $150.
Being caught a third time will cost you a fine of $500.
Are there any questions?"
At this point, a Seal from the security detail assigned to a ship
stood up in the crowd and inquired:
"How much for a season pass?"

[im4wsu]

Lottery!

At breakfast, the man asked his wife, "What would you do if I won the lottery?"

She replied, "I'd take half and leave you."

"Great," he said. "Here's $6. I won $12 yesterday. Stay in touch."

[im4wsu]

bathroom.jpg

[im4wsu]

This guy is sitting at home alone when

he hears a knock on the front door.

There are two sheriff's deputies there;

he asks if there is a problem.

One of the deputies asks if he is

married, and if so, can he see a picture of his wife.

The guy says "sure " and shows him a

picture of his wife. The sheriff says,

"I'm very sorry sir, but it looks like your

wife's been hit by a truck."

The guy says, " I know, but she has a

great personality and she's an excellent cook. "

[60Shock]

Football Humor: The best one is the last one.

"Gentlemen, it is better to have died a small boy than to fumble the football" - John Heisman

"I make my practices real hard because if a player is a quitter, I want him to quit in practice, not in a game." – Bear Bryant/Alabama

"It isn't necessary to see a good tackle. You can hear it!” - Knute Rockne/Notre Dame

"At Georgia Southern, we don't cheat. That costs money, and we don't have any." – Erik Russell/Georgia Southern

"The man who complains about the way the ball bounces is likely to be the one who dropped it." - Lou Holtz/Arkansas - Notre Dame

"When you win, nothing hurts." - Joe Namath/Alabama

"A school without football is in danger of deteriorating into a medieval study hall." - Frank Leahy/Notre Dame

"There's nothing that cleanses your soul like getting the **** kicked out of you." - Woody Hayes/Ohio State

"I don't expect to win enough games to be put on NCAA probation. I just want to win enough to warrant an investigation." - Bob Devaney/Nebraska

"In Alabama, an atheist is someone who doesn't believe in Bear Bryant." - Wally Butts / Georgia

"I never graduated from Iowa. I was only there for two terms - Truman's and Eisenhower's." – Alex Karras/Iowa

"My advice to defensive players is to take the shortest route to the ball and arrive in a bad humor.” - Bowden Wyatt/Tennessee

"I could have been a Rhodes Scholar except for my grades." - Duffy Daugherty/Michigan State

"Always remember, Goliath was a 40-point favorite over David." - Shug Jordan/Auburn

"I asked Darrell Royal, the coach of the Texas Longhorns, why he didn't recruit me ." He said, "Well, Walt, we took a look at you, and you weren't any good." - Walt Garrison/Oklahoma State

"Son, you've got a good engine, but your hands aren't on the steering wheel." - Bobby Bowden/Florida State

"Football is NOT a contact sport, it's a collision sport. Dancing is a contact sport." - Duffy Daugherty/Michigan State

After his USC team lost 51-0 to Notre Dame, his post-game message to the players was,"All those who need showers, take them." - John McKay/USC

"If lessons are learned in defeat, our team is getting a great education.” - Murray Warmath/Minnesota

"The only qualifications for a lineman are to be big and dumb. To be a back, you only have to be dumb." - Knute Rockne/Notre Dame

"We didn't tackle well today, but we made up for it by not blocking." - John McKay/USC

"I've found that prayers work best when you have big players." - Knute Rockne/Notre Dame

Ohio State's Urban Meyer on one of his players: "He doesn't know the meaning of the word fear. In fact I just saw his grades, and he doesn't know the meaning of a lot of words.”

Why do Tennessee fans wear orange? So they can dress that way for the game on Saturday, go hunting on Sunday, and pick up trash on Monday.

What does the average Alabama player get on his SATs? Drool.

How many Michigan State freshmen football players does it take to change a light bulb? None. That's a sophomore course.

How did the Auburn football player die from drinking milk? The cow fell on him

Two Texas A&M football players were walking in the woods. One of them said, "Look, a dead bird." The other looked up in the sky and said,"Where?"

What do you say to a Florida State University football -player wearing a three-piece suit? "Will the defendant please rise."

If three Rutgers football players are in the same car, who's driving? The police officer.

How can you tell if a Clemson football player has a girl friend? There's tobacco juice on both sides of the pickup truck.

What do you get when you put 32 Arkansas cheerleaders in one room? A full set of teeth.

University of Michigan Coach Jim Harbaugh is only going to dress half of his players for the game this week; the other half will have to dress themselves.

How is the Kansas football team like an opossum? They play dead at home and get killed on the road.

[pinstripers]

It was a practical session in the psychology class.

The professor showed a large cage with a male rat in it.

... The rat was in the middle of the cage.

Then, the professor kept a piece of cake on one side and kept a female rat on the other side.

The male rat ran towards the cake and ate it.

Then, the professor changed the cake and replaced it with some bread.

The male rat ran towards the bread.

This experiment went on with the professor changing the food every time.

And, every time, the male rat ran towards the food item and never towards the female rat.

Professor asked the students : This experiment shows that food is the greatest strength and attraction, do you agree?

Then, one of the students from the back rows said:

*"Sir, why don't you change the female rat?This one may be his wife!"*