Humor

[pinstripers]

A wife went in to see a therapist and said, "I've got a big problem, doctor."

"Every time we're in bed making love and my husband climaxes, he lets out this earsplitting yell."

"My dear," the doctor said, "that's completely natural. I don't see what the problem is."
"The problem is," she complained, "sometimes it wakes me up!"

[WstateU]

https://media.giphy.com/media/lYfH3I...Ux73/giphy.gif

[WstateU]

[pinstripers]

A guy goes into a bank. The clerk says, "Can I help you, sir?"

He goes, "Yea you ***** I wanna open a frickin account."

She responds, "Please there's no need for cussing."

"Yo ***** I just wanna open a frickin account."

"Sir I'll help you but please watch your language."

So the manager comes over, " Is there a problem here?"

Dude says, "Yea, jackass, I'm trying to frickin open a frickin account and this ***** won't let me."

Manager says, "Please sir don't curse and how much are you opening the account with?"

Dude says, " 7 million dollars."

Manager," And this frickin ***** ain't helpin you??"

[WstateU]

The Brothel

The Madam opened the brothel door in Pittsburgh and saw a rather dignified, well-dressed, good-looking man in his late fifties. "May I help you sir?" she asked.

The man replied, "I want to see Valerie."

"Sir, Valerie is one of our most expensive ladies. Perhaps you would prefer someone else", said the madam.

He replied, "No, I must see Valerie."

Just then, a gorgeous Valerie appeared and announced to the man she charged $5,000 a visit.

Without hesitation, the man pulled out five thousand dollars and gave it to Valerie, and they went upstairs. After an hour, the man calmly left.

The next night, the man appeared again, once more demanding to see Valerie

Valerie explained that no one had ever come back two nights in a row as she was too expensive. "There are no discounts. The price is still $5,000."

Again, the man pulled out the money, gave it to Valerie, and they went upstairs. After an hour, he left.

The following night the man was there yet again.

Everyone was astounded that he had come for a third consecutive night, but he paid Valerie and they went upstairs.

After their session, Valerie said to the man, "No one has ever been with me three nights in a row”. Where are you from?"

The man replied, "Erie.”

"Really," she said. "I have family in Erie ."

"I know." the man said. "Your sister died, and I am her attorney. She asked me to give you your $15,000 inheritance."

The moral of this story is that three things in life are certain:

1. Death,

2. Taxes; and

3. Being screwed by a lawyer!

[abdullah_sharif]

smart attorney!

[pinstripers]

An Easterner is visiting the West, and sees a man rounding up cattle on horseback.

He's wearing a ball cap, t-shirt, and tennis shoes.

When the rider gets closer the guy waves him down and asks, "Hey, are you a cowboy?"
The cowboy answers," Yep, I sure am."
The guy asks, "Where's your Stetson, belt buckle, and cowboy boots?"
The cowboy answers, "I don't want people to think I'm a truck driver."

[pinstripers]

"Doc," says Steve, "I want to be castrated."

"What on earth for?" asks the doctor in amazement.

"It's something I've been thinking about for a long time and I want to have it done" replies Steve.

"But have you thought it through properly?" asks the doctor, "It's a very serious operation and once it's done, there's no going back. It will change your life forever!"

"I'm aware of that and you're not going to change my mind -- either you book me in to be castrated or I'll simply go to another doctor."

"Well, OK.", says the doctor, "But it's against my better judgment!"

So Steve has his operation, and the next day he is up and walking very slowly, legs apart, down the hospital corridor with his drip stand. Heading towards him is another patient, who is walking exactly the same way.

"Hi there," says Steve,"It looks as if you've just had the same operation as me."

"Well," said the patient, "I finally decided after 37 years of life that I would like to be circumcised."

Steve stared at him in horror and screamed, "****! THAT'S the word!”

[moshock]

Two young ladies and an older lady were sitting in the hot tub - nude. A beeping sound started and one of the younger ladies pressed her arm and the beeping stopped. "It was my pager - I had a micro-chip installed in my arm" she said

A few minutes later - a phone rang. The other young lady put her palm up to her ear and started speaking. When the conversation was over she said " That was my cell phone - I had a micro-chip installed in my palm"

The older lady - feeling a little tech ignorant - got out of the hot tum and went to the restroom. When she returned - she had a piece of toilet paper hanging out of her butt crack. She looked at the two younger ladies and said "Would you look at that - Look's like I'm receiving a fax"

[WstateU]

That Komodo Dragon is on my $hit list... “doesn’t taste like chicken”... :(

https://twitter.com/natureismetai/status/1154816105841479680?s=21

[SHOXAAC]

I guess curiosity kills monkeys too.

[pinstripers]

While in China , a man is very sexually promiscuous and does not use a condom all the time he is there.
A week after arriving back home in Sydney, he wakes one morning to find his penis covered with
bright green and purple spots.

Horrified, he immediately goes to see a doctor. The doctor, never having seen anything like this before,
orders some tests and tells the man to return in two days for the results.
The man returns a couple of days later and the doctor says, "I've got bad news for you, you've contracted
Mongolian VD. It's very rare and almost unheard of here, we know very little about it."
The man looks a little perplexed and says, "Well, give me a shot or something and fix me up, Doc."
The doctor answers, "I'm sorry, there's no known cure. We're going to have to amputate your penis"
The man screams in horror, "Absolutely not! I want a second opinion!!!"
The doctor replies, "Well, it's your choice. Go ahead, if you want, but surgery is your only option."
The next day, the man seeks out a Chinese doctor, figuring that he'll know more about the disease.
The Chinese doctor examines his penis and proclaims, "Ah, yes, Mongolian VD. Vewy ware disease."
The guy says to the doctor, "Yeah, yeah, I already know that but what can we do?
My doctor wants to cut off my penis!"
The Chinese doctor shakes his head and laughs. "Stupid Australian docttah, always want opawate.
Make more money dat way. No need amputate!"
"Oh, thank God!" the man exclaims.
"Yes,"says the Chinese doctor, "Wait two week. Fawl off by itself.

[WstateU]

https://media.giphy.com/media/ZeB5RzwVdzO8M/giphy.gif

[pinstripers]

A little girl says, "Daddy, I wish I had a little sister."

Trying to be funny, the daddy says, "Honey, you do have a sister."

"I do?" questions the confused youngster.

"Sure," responds the dad. "You just don't see her because when you are coming in the front door, she is always leaving through the back door."

The little girl gave this a few moments thought and remarked, "You mean like my other Daddy does ?? !!!!

[Aargh]

[pinstripers]

I heard him do that live

[pinstripers]

A small church had a very attractive big-busted organist named Susan, and her breasts were so large that they bounced and jiggled while she played the organ.

Unfortunately, she distracted the male part of the congregation considerably. The very proper church ladies were appalled.

They said something had to be done about this or they would have to get another organist.

So one of the ladies approached Susan very discreetly about the problem, & told her to mash up some green persimmons & rub them on her nipples and all over her breasts, which should cause them to shrink in size, but warned her not to taste any of the green persimmons, because they are so sour they will make your mouth pucker up & you won't be able to talk properly for a while.

The voluptuous organist reluctantly agreed to try it.

The following Sunday morning the minister walked up to the pulpit and said,

“Dew to thircumsthanthis bewond my contwol, we will not hab a thermon tewday.

[im4wsu]

John was a salesman’s’ delight when it came to any kind of unusual gimmick. His wife Marsha had long ago given up trying to get him to change. One day John came home with another one of his unusual purchases.

It was a robot that John claimed was actually a lie detector. It was about 5:30 that afternoon when Tommy, their 11-year old son, returned home from school. Tommy was over 2 hours late. “Where have you been? Why are you over 2 hours late getting home?” asked John. “Several of us went to the library to work on an extra credit project,” said Tommy.. The robot then walked around the table and slapped Tommy, knocking him completely out of his chair. “Son,” said John, “this robot is a lie detector, now tell us where you really were after school.” “We went to Bobby’s house and watched a movie..” said Tommy. “What did you watch?” asked Marsha. “The Ten Commandments,” answered Tommy.. The robot went around to Tommy and once again slapped him, knocking him off his chair. With his lip quivering, Tommy got up, sat down and said, “I am sorry I lied. We really watched a tape called Sex Queen.”

“I am ashamed of you son,” said John. “When I was your age, I never lied to my parents.” The robot then walked around to John and delivered a whack that nearly knocked him out of his chair. Marsha doubled over in laughter, almost in tears and said, “Boy, did you ever ask for that one! You can’t be too mad with Tommy.After all, He is your son!” With that, the robot immediately walked around to Marsha and knocked her out of her chair.

[ShockTalk]

So, what is the "x-apple-data-detectors" embedded in "5:30" and "The Ten Commandments"?

[im4wsu]

ShockTalk No idea and when clicking on it in Outlook, I get a danger warning, then have to download a special app to see the link, which I don't wish to do.

[pinstripers]