Humor

[pinstripers]

What’s the difference between a bad golfer and a bad skydiver.


One goes THWACK, oh ****. The other goes oh ****, THWACK.

[im4wsu]

A man went to the hospital in Toronto to have his wedding ring cut off from his penis.

According to the nurse attending the operation, the patient's girlfriend found the ring in his pants pocket. She didn't know he was married and she was so mad she used petroleum jelly to
slip the ring on his penis while he was asleep.

I don't know what's worse:

1) Having your girl friend find out you're married.

2) Explaining to your wife how your wedding ring got on your penis.
OR...

3) Finding out your penis fits through your wedding ring.


Tough call. You decide.

[im4wsu]

Another Critical Medical Break-Through

A couple went to the hospital to have their baby delivered.
Upon their arrival, the doctor said that the hospital was testing an amazing
new high-tech machine that would transfer a portion of the mother's labor
pain to the baby's father. He asked if they were interested. Both said they
were very much in favour of it.

The doctor set the pain transfer to 10% for starters, explaining that even
10% was probably more pain than the father had ever experienced before. But
as the labor progressed, the husband felt fine and asked the doctor to go
ahead and kick it up a notch.

The doctor then adjusted the machine to 20% pain transfer. The husband was
still feeling fine. The doctor then checked the husband's blood pressure and
was amazed at how well he was doing. At this point they decided to try for
50%. The husband continued to feel quite well.

Since the pain transfer was obviously helping the wife considerably, the
husband encouraged the doctor to transfer ALL the pain to him.

The wife delivered a healthy baby with virtually no pain and the husband
continued to experience no pain. She and her husband were ecstatic.

When they got home they found the mailman dead on the porch.

[WstateU]

A husband and wife were having dinner at a very fine restaurant, when this absolutely stunning young woman comes over to their table, gives the husband a big open-mouthed kiss, says she'll see him later, and walks away.

His wife glares at him and says, "Who the hell was that??"

"Oh," replies the husband, "she's my mistress."

"Well that's the last straw," says the wife. "I've had enough. I want

a divorce."

"I can understand that," replies her husband, "but remember, if we get a divorce it will mean no more shopping trips to Paris, no more wintering in Barbados, no more summers in Tuscany, no more Infinity or Lexus in the garage and no more yacht club. But the decision is yours." Just then, a mutual friend enters the restaurant with a gorgeous babe on his arm.

"Who's that woman with Jim?" asks the wife.

"That's his mistress," says her husband.

"Ours is prettier," she replies.

[pinstripers]

The old man had died. A funeral was in progress and

the country preacher talked at length of the good traits of the deceased, what an honest man he was, and what a loving husband and kind father he was.

The minister went on and on, extolling the many virtues of the deceased. Finally, the widow leaned over and whispered to one of her children, "Billy Ray, go up there and take a look in the coffin and see if that's for sure your pa."

[WstateU]

An elderly man in Louisiana had owned a large farm for several years.

He had a large pond in the back. It was properly shaped for swimming, so he fixed

it up nice with picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some apple and peach trees.

One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn’t been there for a while, and look it over.

He grabbed a five-gallon bucket to bring back some fruit.

As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee.

As he came closer, he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond.

He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end.

One of the women shouted to him, ‘we’re not coming out until you leave!’

The old man frowned, ‘I didn’t come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked.’

Holding the bucket up he said,

‘I’m here to feed the alligators…'

Some old men can still think fast.

[shock]

“Guy comes into my old ER one day with a nail in his hand from an accidental discharge of a nail shooter. A nurse is checking him in and asked him to rate his pain on a scale of 1-10. He replies that it's only about a 3. We all look at him like he's nuts because our pain is at a 5 and we're just looking at him bleeding.

So, the triage nurse rolls her eyes and asks him how it could only be a '3.'

He responds by saying that one morning he was cooking his girlfriend breakfast. They were especially hungry that day because they had just been a bit 'frisky' when they woke up.

Since they had just finished, he wasn't wearing any pants. Well, he says that when he bumped the pan and the hot bacon grease spilled onto his balls, that was certainly a 10/10. So, to him, a nail in the hand only rated a 3/10."

[pinstripers]

A businessman was interviewing job applications for the position of manager of a large division.

He quickly devised a test for choosing the most suitable candidate. He simply asked each applicant this question, "What is two plus two?"

The first interviewee was a journalist.
His answer was, "Twenty-two".

The second was a social worker.
She said, "I don't know the answer but I'm very glad that we had the opportunity to discuss it."

The third applicant was an engineer.
He pulled out a slide rule and came up with an answer "somewhere between 3.999 and 4.001."

Next came an attorney.
He stated that "in the case of Jenkins vs. the Department of the Treasury, two plus two was proven to be four."

Finally, the businessman interviewed an accountant. When he asked him what two plus two was, the accountant got up from his chair, went over to the door, closed it, came back and sat down.

Leaning across the desk, he said in a low voice, "How much do you want it to be?"

He got the job.

[pinstripers]

An avid golfer was involved in a terrible car crash and was rushed to the hospital. Just before he was put under, the surgeon popped in to see him.

"I have some good news and some bad news," says the surgeon. "The bad news is that I have to remove your right arm!"

"Oh God no!" cries the man. "My golfing is over! Please Doc, what's the good news?"

"The good news is...... I have
another arm to replace it with, but it's a woman's arm and I'll need your permission before I can go ahead with the transplant."

"Go for it, doc," says the man. "As long as I can play golf again."

The operation went well and a year later the man was out on the golf-course when he bumped into the surgeon.

"Hi, how's the new arm?" asks the surgeon.

"Just great," says the golfer. "I'm playing the best golf of my life.

My new arm has a much finer touch, and my putting has really improved."

"That's great," said the surgeon.

"Not only that," continued the golfer, "my handwriting has improved, I've learned how to sew my own clothes and I've even taken up painting landscapes in
watercolors."

"That's unbelievable!" said the surgeon. "I'm so glad to hear the transplant was such
a great success. Are you having any side effects?"

"Well, just two, said the golfer, "I have trouble parallel parking: and, every time I get an erection, I also get a headache.

[wusphlash]

My wife just stopped and said "you weren't even listening were you".

I thought "that's a pretty weird way to start a conversation".

[pinstripers]

Socialist jokes aren't funny unless everybody gets them.

[WstateU]

Hillary's Funeral Arrangements

Hillary Clinton goes on a fact-finding visit to Israel. While she is on a tour of Jerusalem she suffers a heart attack and dies.

The undertaker tells the Americans accompanying her, "You can have her shipped home for $50,000, or you can bury her here, in the Holy Land for just $100".

The Americans go into a corner to discuss for a few minutes. They return with their answer to the undertaker and tell him they want Hillary shipped home.

The undertaker is puzzled and asks, 'Why would you spend $50,000 to ship her home, when it would be wonderful to be buried here and you would spend only $100?

The American diplomats reply, 'Long ago a man died here, was buried here, and three days later he rose from the dead. We just can't take the risk.'

[pinstripers]

Billy Bob and Ray were talking one afternoon when Billy Bob tells Ray, "Yaw know, I reckon I'm 'bout ready for a vacation.

Only this year I'm gonna do it different. The last few years, I took your advice about where to go.

Three years ago you said to go to Hawaii. I went to Hawaii and Earlene got pregnant.

Then two years ago, you told me to go to Mexico, and Earlene got pregnant again.

Last year you suggested Bahamas and darned if Earlene didn't get pregnant again."

Ray asks Billy Bob, "So, what you gonna do this year that's different?"

"I'm taking Earlene with me."

[WstateU]

Billy Bob and Ray were talking one afternoon when Billy Bob tells Ray, "Yaw know, I reckon I'm 'bout ready for a vacation.

Only this year I'm gonna do it different. The last few years, I took your advice about where to go.

Three years ago you said to go to Hawaii. I went to Hawaii and Earlene got pregnant.

Then two years ago, you told me to go to Mexico, and Earlene got pregnant again.

Last year you suggested Bahamas and darned if Earlene didn't get pregnant again."

Ray asks Billy Bob, "So, what you gonna do this year that's different?"

"I'm taking Earlene with me."

[WstateU]

Newly Wed

Olaf Swenson, out in his pasture in northern Minnesota, took a lightning-quick kick from a cow..right in his crotch; writhing in agony, he fell to the ground.

As soon as he could manage, he took himself to the doctor. He said: "How bad is it Doc? I'm going on my honeymoon next veek and my fiance, Lena, is still a virgin -- in every vay.

The doctor told him, "Olaf, I'll have to put your willy in a splint to let it heal, and keep it straight. It should be okay next week, but leave it on dere as long as you can.

He took four tongue depressors and formed a neat little 4 sided splint, and taped it all together...quite an impressive work of art.

Olaf mentioned none of this to Lena, married her, and they went on their honeymoon to Duluth. That night in the Motel 6, Lena ripped open her blouse to reveal her beautiful, untouched breasts. She said: "Olaf...you're the first vun! No vun has EVER seen deez."

Olaf immediately dropped his pants and replied:

"Look at dis Lena ... Still in DA CRATE!"