Humor

[pinstripers]

Mrs. p wanted me to post that

[pinstripers]

I went into the confessional box after many years of being away from the Catholic Church.

Inside I found a fully equipped bar with Guinness on tap. On one wall, there was a row of decanters with fine Irish whiskey and Waterford crystal glasses.

On the other wall was a dazzling array of the finest cigars and chocolates.

When the priest came in, I said to him, "Father, forgive me, for it's been a very long time since I've been to confession, but I must first admit that the confessional box is much more inviting than it used to be."

He replied, "You moron, you're on my side.

[WstateU]

Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates.

‘In honor of this holy season’ Saint Peter said, ‘You must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven.’

The Englishman fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. ‘It’s a candle’, he said.

‘You may pass through the pearly gates’ Saint Peter said.

The Scotsman reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, ‘They’re bells.’

Saint Peter said ‘You may pass through the pearly gates’.

The Irishman started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women’s panties.

St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, ‘And just what do those symbolize?’

The Irishman replied, ‘These are Carols.’

And So The Season Begins …

[Kung Wu]

Mrs. p wanted me to post that

Think I just found my wife a new Christmas present! Thanks man!

[pinstripers]

Mrs. p's Uncle Debbert was saying that although he never seen "Brokeback Mountain," he just might go watch the sequel, which stars Kate Upton and Mila Kunis.............

[pinstripers]

A man and a woman were driving down the road, arguing about his deplorable infidelity when suddenly the woman reached over an sliced the man's penis off. Angrily, she tossed it out the car window.
Driving behind the couple was a man and his 8-year-old daughter. The little girl was chatting away at her father when all of a sudden the penis smacked their car windshield, stuck for a moment, then flew off.
Surprised, the daughter asked her father, 'Daddy, what the heck was that?'...
Shocked, but not wanting to expose his little girl to anything
sexual at such a young age, the father replied, 'It ... it was only
a bug, Honey.'
The daughter sat with a confused look on her face, and after a
moment said... 'Sumbitch sure was hung, wasn't it ?!'

[WstateU]

A man and a woman were driving down the road, arguing about his deplorable infidelity when suddenly the woman reached over an sliced the man's penis off. Angrily, she tossed it out the car window.
Driving behind the couple was a man and his 8-year-old daughter. The little girl was chatting away at her father when all of a sudden the penis smacked their car windshield, stuck for a moment, then flew off.
Surprised, the daughter asked her father, 'Daddy, what the heck was that?'...
Shocked, but not wanting to expose his little girl to anything
sexual at such a young age, the father replied, 'It ... it was only
a bug, Honey.'
The daughter sat with a confused look on her face, and after a
moment said... 'Sumbitch sure was hung, wasn't it ?!'

[pinstripers]

Did you hear about the Texas teacher who was helping one of her kindergarten students put on his cowboy boots?

He asked for help and she could see why.

Even with her pulling and him pushing, the little boots still didn't want to go on. By the time they got the second boot on, she had worked up a sweat.

She almost cried when the little boy said, 'Teacher, they're on the wrong feet.' She looked, and sure enough, they were..

It wasn't any easier pulling the boots off than it was putting them on.. She managed to keep her cool as together they worked to get the boots back on, this time on the right feet.

He then announced, 'These aren't my boots.'

She bit her tongue rather than get right in his face and scream, 'Why didn't you say so?' like she wanted to.

Once again, she struggled to help him pull the ill-fitting boots off his little feet.

No sooner had they gotten the boots off when he said, 'They're my brother's boots. My mom made me wear 'em.'

Now she didn't know if she should laugh or cry. But, she mustered up what grace and courage she had left to wrestle the boots on his feet again.

Helping him into his coat, she asked, 'Now, where are your Mittens?'

He said, 'I stuffed 'em in the toes of my boots..'

[WstateU]

Did you hear about the Texas teacher who was helping one of her kindergarten students put on his cowboy boots?

He asked for help and she could see why.

Even with her pulling and him pushing, the little boots still didn't want to go on. By the time they got the second boot on, she had worked up a sweat.

She almost cried when the little boy said, 'Teacher, they're on the wrong feet.' She looked, and sure enough, they were..

It wasn't any easier pulling the boots off than it was putting them on.. She managed to keep her cool as together they worked to get the boots back on, this time on the right feet.

He then announced, 'These aren't my boots.'

She bit her tongue rather than get right in his face and scream, 'Why didn't you say so?' like she wanted to.

Once again, she struggled to help him pull the ill-fitting boots off his little feet.

No sooner had they gotten the boots off when he said, 'They're my brother's boots. My mom made me wear 'em.'

Now she didn't know if she should laugh or cry. But, she mustered up what grace and courage she had left to wrestle the boots on his feet again.

Helping him into his coat, she asked, 'Now, where are your Mittens?'

He said, 'I stuffed 'em in the toes of my boots..'

[pinstripers]

A woman discovers her husband is cheating on her.

Devastated, she doesn't know how to continue to live her life. She hears that there's a very wise monk who lives up in a mountain, and decides to go there to consult him.

After few days of traveling, walking, climbing, she reaches the top and meets the wise monk. "I have spent my whole life with him, my youth was dedicated to support him, take care of him. And now he has left me for a young woman. My life is stolen, and I'm left with nothing. I don't know what to do".

The monk gives her a biscuit and asks her to eat it. After she finishes eating, he asks: "Was the biscuit delicious?"

"Yes", she answers.

"Do you want another one?"

"Sure, please".

The monk looks her in the eye and says "Do you see the problem now?"

The woman thinks for a while, and then slowly speaks. "I guess human nature is greedy. You got one, then you want more, maybe a new one, bigger one. It's never enough. And nothing lasts forever, everything is impermanence. We should be aware and not be disappointed by that".

The monk shakes his head. "No, I mean you are fat, you should eat less."

[pinstripers]

A FARMER DECIDED HE WANTED TO GO TO TOWN AND SEE A MOVIE.

THE TICKET AGENT ASKED, "SIR, WHAT'S THAT ON YOUR SHOULDER?"

THE OLD FARMER SAID, "THAT'S MY PET ROOSTER LARRY WHEREVER I GO, LARRY GOES."

"I'M SORRY SIR," SAID THE TICKET AGENT "WE CAN'T ALLOW ANIMALS IN THE THEATER."

THE OLD FARMER WENT AROUND THE CORNER
AND STUFFED LARRY DOWN HIS OVERALLS.
THEN HE RETURNED TO THE BOOTH,
BOUGHT A TICKET, AND ENTERED THE THEATER.

HE SAT DOWN NEXT TO TWO OLD WIDOWS.MILDRED AND MARGE.

THE MOVIE STARTED AND THE ROOSTER BEGAN TO SQUIRM.

THE OLD FARMER UNBUTTONED HIS FLY SO LARRY COULD STICK HIS HEAD OUT AND WATCH THE MOVIE.

"MARGE," WHISPERED MILDRED.

"WHAT?" SAID MARGE.

"I THINK THE GUY NEXT TO ME IS A PERVERT."

"WHAT MAKES YOU THINK SO?" ASKED MARGE?

"HE UNDID HIS PANTS ", WHISPERED MILDRED.

"WELL, DON'T WORRY ABOUT IT", SAID MARGE.
"AT OUR AGE WE'VE SEEN 'EM ALL"

"I THOUGHT SO TOO", SAID MILDRED,
"BUT THIS ONE'S EATIN' MY POPCORN...!"

[WstateU]

A FARMER DECIDED HE WANTED TO GO TO TOWN AND SEE A MOVIE.

THE TICKET AGENT ASKED, "SIR, WHAT'S THAT ON YOUR SHOULDER?"

THE OLD FARMER SAID, "THAT'S MY PET ROOSTER LARRY WHEREVER I GO, LARRY GOES."

"I'M SORRY SIR," SAID THE TICKET AGENT "WE CAN'T ALLOW ANIMALS IN THE THEATER."

THE OLD FARMER WENT AROUND THE CORNER
AND STUFFED LARRY DOWN HIS OVERALLS.
THEN HE RETURNED TO THE BOOTH,
BOUGHT A TICKET, AND ENTERED THE THEATER.

HE SAT DOWN NEXT TO TWO OLD WIDOWS.MILDRED AND MARGE.

THE MOVIE STARTED AND THE ROOSTER BEGAN TO SQUIRM.

THE OLD FARMER UNBUTTONED HIS FLY SO LARRY COULD STICK HIS HEAD OUT AND WATCH THE MOVIE.

"MARGE," WHISPERED MILDRED.

"WHAT?" SAID MARGE.

"I THINK THE GUY NEXT TO ME IS A PERVERT."

"WHAT MAKES YOU THINK SO?" ASKED MARGE?

"HE UNDID HIS PANTS ", WHISPERED MILDRED.

"WELL, DON'T WORRY ABOUT IT", SAID MARGE.
"AT OUR AGE WE'VE SEEN 'EM ALL"

"I THOUGHT SO TOO", SAID MILDRED,
"BUT THIS ONE'S EATIN' MY POPCORN...!"

[pinstripers]

One day, a very gentle Texas lady was driving across a high bridge in Austin. As she neared the top of the bridge, she noticed a young man fixing to jump. ("fixing" in Texas means: has the means or abilities to take action).
She stopped her car, rolled down the window and said, "Please don't jump, think of your dear mother and father." He replied, "My mom and dad are both dead; I'm going to jump."
She said. "Well, think of your sweet wife and precious children." He replie...d, "I'm not married, and I don't have any kids."
She said, "well, then you just remember the Alamo." He replied, "What's the Alamo?"
She replied. "Well bless your heart! You just go ahead and jump you little Yankee liberal left-wing Democrat Bastard. You are holding up traffic.."

[WstateU]

One day, a very gentle Texas lady was driving across a high bridge in Austin. As she neared the top of the bridge, she noticed a young man fixing to jump. ("fixing" in Texas means: has the means or abilities to take action).
She stopped her car, rolled down the window and said, "Please don't jump, think of your dear mother and father." He replied, "My mom and dad are both dead; I'm going to jump."
She said. "Well, think of your sweet wife and precious children." He replie...d, "I'm not married, and I don't have any kids."
She said, "well, then you just remember the Alamo." He replied, "What's the Alamo?"
She replied. "Well bless your heart! You just go ahead and jump you little Yankee liberal left-wing Democrat Bastard. You are holding up traffic.."

[WstateU]

An Indian named Chief Bowels lived in a teepee on the reservation. One day he received a letter from the state division of highways that said that they were going to build a freeway and it would go right through where his teepee was located and he would have to move.

He was very upset about this because his ancestors had lived in that exact place for many generations.

He decided to go into town to talk to someone and get them to change the route of the freeway.

He arrived in town but didn't know where to go so he asked someone for directions to the local office of the highway department. He was told to go three blocks straight ahead then turn left for two blocks and it would be on the right.

He went three blocks straight ahead then turned right and went into the building on the left. It was a drugstore.

The druggist asked him if he could help him and the Indian replied. "Bowels no move!"

"Oh," said the druggist. That's no problem. Take this twice a day for a week." he said, as he gave the Indian a bottle of medicine.

The Indian left and one week later the he returned. "Hello," said the druggist. "Did that medicine work?"

"Bowels still no move!" said the Indian.

"Well, well," said the druggist. "It appears that we will have to use something a little stronger. Take this four times a day for a week."

The Indian left and one week later he returned. "Hello again," said the druggist. "How are you doing?"

"Bowels still no move!" said the Indian.

"Oh my goodness!" said the druggist. "This really calls for something drastic. This is the most powerful treatment in existance. Take it eight times a day for a week."

The Indian left and one week later he returned. When the druggist saw him he asked, "bowels move?"

"Bowels have to move" said the Indian. "Teepee full of $hit."