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  • A beautiful woman loves to garden, but can't seem to get her tomatoes to turn red.

    She asks her neighbor, "What do you do to get your tomatoes red?"

    He replies, "Twice a day I stand in front of my tomato garden and expose myself. My tomatoes turn red from blushing so much."
    The woman decides to do the same thing. So twice a day for two weeks she exposes herself to the garden.
    Her neighbor asks, "How did it go? Did you tomatoes turn red?"
    "No," she replies, "but my cucumbers are enormous."

    Comment


    • Should have posted this in the Trump thread...

      Jack walked into a sports bar around 9:58 pm. He sat down next to Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez at the bar, and both looked up at the TV as the 10:00 news came on. The news crew was covering a story of a man on a ledge of a large building preparing to jump.


      Alexandria turned to Jack and said, "Do you think he'll jump?"


      Jack said, "You know what, I bet he will."

      Alexandria replied, "Well, I bet he won't."

      Jack placed $30 on the bar and said, "You're on!"


      Just as she placed her money on the bar, the jumper did a swan dive off of the building, falling to his death. She was very upset and handed her $30 to Jack, saying,

      "Fair's fair... Here's your money."


      Jack replied, "I can't take your money, I saw this earlier on the 5 o'clock news and knew he would jump."


      Alexandria replied, "I did too; but I didn't think he'd do it again."


      Jack took the money. Alexandria went back to represent New Yorkers at the US Congress...

      Last edited by Kung Wu; January 14th, 2019, 04:01 PM.
      "You Just Want to Slap The #### Outta Some People"

      Comment


      • A newcomer to the political scene was campaigning in Amish country for the office of assemblyman.

        Outside an Amish homestead, he saw a young man and his sheep. He approached the young man, ready to make his pitch for a vote.

        Just as he was getting started, an old man called from inside the house. "Luke, get in the house right now. And who is that guy you're talking to?"
        "Says he's a Democratic politician, Father," Luke said.
        "In that case, you'd better bring the sheep along inside with you."

        Comment


        • Rita found her husband hanging in his bedroom this morning.
          There was a note on his bed which read, “I can’t take the critism anymore.”
          She quickly cut the rope, brought him down and managed to revive him.
          As her husband lay in her arms and slowly opened his eyes, she remarked:
          “That’s NOT how you spell criticism !”
          Last edited by Kung Wu; 1 week ago.

          Comment



          • the-new-face-global-warming-meme.jpg
            "You Just Want to Slap The #### Outta Some People"

            Comment


            • Bill and Marla decided that the only way to pull off a Sunday afternoon quickie with their 10-year-old son in the apartment was to send him out on the balcony and order him to report on all the neighborhood activities.

              The boy began his commentary as his parents put their plan into operation.

              "There's a car being towed from the parking lot,"he said.
              "An ambulance just drove by."
              A few moments passed.
              "Looks like the Anderson's have company," he called out.
              "Matt`s riding a new bike and the Coopers are having sex."
              Mom and dad shot up in bed.
              "How do you know that?" the startled father asked.
              "Their kid is standing out on the balcony too," his son replied.

              Comment


              • An elderly couple were at home watching TV.

                Phil had the remote and was switching back and
                forth between a fishing channel and the porn channel.

                Sally became more and more annoyed and finally said,
                "For God's sake, Phil... leave it on the porn channel…
                you know how to fish!"

                "I not sure that I've ever been around a more competitive player or young man than Fred VanVleet. I like to win more than 99.9% of the people in this world, but he may top me." -- Gregg Marshall 12/23/13
                ---------------------------------------
                Remember when Nancy Pelosi said about Obamacare:
                "We have to pass it, to find out what's in it".

                A physician called into a radio show and said:
                "That's the definition of a stool sample."

                Comment


                • The day after his wife disappeared in a kayaking accident,... a Claddaghduff, Ireland man answered his door to find two grim-faced Constables.

                  "We're sorry, Mr O’ Flynn, but we have some information about your dear wife, Maureen"
                  said one of the officers.

                  "Tell me!
                  Did you find her?"
                  Michael Patrick O’ Flynn asked.

                  The constables looked at each other and one said,
                  "We have some bad news, some good news, and some really great news.
                  Which would you like to hear first?"

                  Fearing the worst, Mr O’ Flynn said,
                  "Give me the bad news first."
                  The constable said,

                  "I'm sorry to tell you, sir, but early this morning we found your poor wife's body in the bay."

                  "Lord sufferin' Jesus and Holy Mother of God!"

                  exclaimed O’ Flynn. Swallowing hard, he asked,

                  "What could possibly be the good news?"


                  The constable continued,

                  "When we pulled the late, departed poor Maureen up, she had 12 of the best-looking Atlantic lobsters

                  that you have ever seen clinging to her.

                  Haven't seen lobsters like that since the 1960's, and we feel you are entitled to a share in the catch."


                  Stunned, Mr O’ Flynn demanded,

                  "Glory be to God, if that's the good news, then what's the really great news?"


                  The constable replied,

                  "We're gonna pull her up again tomorrow."

                  Comment


                  • ShockTalk
                    ShockTalk commented
                    Editing a comment
                    Jesus, Mary, and Joseph!!

                • Now that's funny!

                  Comment


                  • Some especially good ones on here lately!
                    Kung Wu say: "If Chuck Norris had a coach, his name would be Gregg Marshall."

                    Comment


                    • An Irish-American, an African-American, a Mexican-American, and a Jewish American were on the subway, the only 4 people in their particular car.

                      Suddenly, a mysterious old lamp rolls out from under the seat. The black guy picks it up and gives it a rub.

                      Out pops a genie and tells them that he will grant a wish to all four of them.

                      The black man goes first, and asks "could I and every single one of my black brothers and sisters be returned to Africa, to live there forever, to come to know that continent's secrets and cultures?"

                      BOOM, he was gone, with the lamp falling into the lap of the Mexican gentleman.

                      "I would like for me, my family, and every other person of Mexican heritage be returned to Old Mexico, to live there together for eternity, in peace and prosperity."

                      SWOOSH, he was gone, leaving the lamp with the Jewish fellow.

                      The Jewish guy said, "I want to go back to the Middle East, to the state of Israel, and I want to take every single Jew with me, where we can finally, all together, live in peace at last."

                      BOOM, he disappeared, leaving only the Irish-American and the lamp.

                      Lost in thought, he asks the genie, "so you are telling me that there are no more Jews in all of America, that every single black person is now in Africa, and that all of the Mexicans are gone, and that I can have anything I want?"

                      The genie replied that it was all true.

                      "Well," the Irish guy went on, "In that case,I'd like a Diet Coke."
                      Last edited by pinstripers; 1 week ago.

                      Comment


                      • pinstripers
                        pinstripers commented
                        Editing a comment
                        It's a Super Dave bit, RIP

                      • WstateU
                        WstateU commented
                        Editing a comment
                        Super Dave Osborne Show was the best.

                        Super Dave Osborne:

                        Fuj, let me give you a piece of advice.

                        Fuji:
                        Yes?

                        Super Dave Osborne:
                        Next time you shoot a bullet at a metal object, be careful of the ricochet.

                        Fuji:
                        Oh?

                        Super Dave Osborne:
                        Do you know how close that bullet came to lodging in my knee?

                        Fuji:
                        No. How close?

                        Super Dave Osborne:
                        It's in my thigh.

                    • “A doctor and his wife were having a big argument at breakfast.

                      He shouted at her, “You aren’t so good in bed either!” then stormed off to work.

                      By mid-morning, he decided he’d better make amends and called home. “What took you so long to answer?” he asked.

                      “I was in bed,” she replied. “What were you doing in bed this late?”

                      “Getting a second opinion.”

                      Comment


                      • Debated about posting this in the Men's Basketball thread titled "Perspective"...

                        It's All About Perspective


                        There was a man who lost one of his arms in an accident. He became very depressed because he loved to play golf. One day in his despair, he decided to commit suicide.

                        He got on an elevator and went to the top of a building to jump off. He was standing on the ledge looking down and saw this man down on the sidewalk skipping along, whooping and kicking up his heels. He looked closer and saw that this man didn't have any arms at all.

                        He started thinking, "What am I doing up here feeling sorry for myself? I still have one good arm to do things with." He thought

                        "There goes a man with no arms skipping down the sidewalk so happy, and going on with his life."

                        He hurried down to the sidewalk and caught up with the man with no arms. He told him how glad he was to see him because he lost one of

                        his arms and felt useless and was going to kill himself. He thanked him for saving his life and said he knew he could make it with one arm if the guy could go on with no arms.

                        The man with no arms began dancing and whooping and kicking up his heels again. He asked, "Why are you so happy anyway?" He said, "I'm NOT happy. My balls itch."

                        "You Just Want to Slap The #### Outta Some People"

                        Comment


                        • "One day on a bus, every passenger was female but the driver. There was a student, a waitress, a flight attendant, a hooker and a nun.

                          Then a guy boarded the bus and declared a hold up.

                          So everybody gave their money, jewelries and other pricey belongings. But the guy wasn't contented he said " I will rape each one of you"
                          So everybody got more nervous and afraid, the students and other ladies went crying.
                          So the hooker stood up and told the guy "Just rape me, since that is the nature of my job, I don't care how many times you want to do it, just let them go."
                          Ten the Nun slapped the hooker in the face and said "Will you shut up? didn't you hear what he said"? He said EVERYBODY!"

                          Comment

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