Humor

[pinstripers]

Donald Trump and Barack Obama somehow ended up at the same barber shop.
As they sat there, each being worked on by a different barber, not a word was spoken. The barbers were even afraid to start a conversation, for fear it would turn to politics.
As the barbers finished their shaves, the one who had Obama in his chair reached for the aftershave. Obama was quick to stop him saying, "No thanks, my wife Michelle will smell that and think I’ve been in a whorehouse."
... The second barber turned to Trump and said, "How about you sir?"
Trump replied, "Go ahead, my wife doesn’t know what the inside of a whorehouse smells like."

[im4wsu]

An older golfer was hitting his ball from near a water hazard and his club fell into the water.








When he cried out, the Lord appeared and asked, "Why are you crying?







The golfer replied that his club had fallen into the water and he needed the club to have a chance to win the tournament and supplement his meager pension.








The Lord went down into the water and reappeared with a golden club.




"Is this your club?" the Lord asked.








The golfer replied, "No.








The Lord again went down and came up with a silver club.




"Is this your club?" the Lord asked.







Again, the golfer replied, "No.








The Lord went down again and came up with an iron club. "Is this your club?" the Lord asked.







The golfer replied, "Yes.








"The Lord was pleased with the golfer's honesty and gave him all three clubs to keep, and the golfer went home happy.








Sometime later, the golfer was walking with his wife along the water hazard, and she fell into the river.



When he cried out, the Lord again appeared and asked him, "Why are you crying?"








"Oh Lord, my woman has fallen into the water!








The Lord went down into the water and came up with Kate Upton. "Is this your woman?" the Lord asked?








Kate Upton







"Yes," cried the golfer.








The Lord was furious. "You lied! That is an untruth!"








The golfer replied, "Oh, forgive me Lord. It is a misunderstanding. You see, if I had said 'No' to Kate Upton, you would have come up with Jennifer Anniston. Then if I said 'No' to her, you would have come up with my woman. Had I then said 'Yes,' you would have given me all three. And Lord, I am an old man not able to take care of all three women in a way that they deserve ... that's why I said 'Yes' to Kate Upton.








And God was pleased








The moral of this story is:







If a golfer ever tells a lie, it is for a good and honorable reason and only out of consideration for others!

[pinstripers]

An old cowboy walks into a barbershop in Red Lodge, Montana for a shave and a haircut.He tells the barber he can’t get all his whiskers off because his cheeks are wrinkled from age.

The barber gets a little wooden ball from a cup on the shelf and tells the old cowboy to put it inside his cheek to spread out the skin.

When he’s finished, the old cowboy tells the barber that was the cleanest shave he’d had in years, but he wanted to know what would have happened if he had accidentally swallowed the little ball.

The barber replied, “Just bring it back in a couple of days like everyone else does”...

[WstateU]

An old cowboy walks into a barbershop in Red Lodge, Montana for a shave and a haircut.He tells the barber he can’t get all his whiskers off because his cheeks are wrinkled from age.

The barber gets a little wooden ball from a cup on the shelf and tells the old cowboy to put it inside his cheek to spread out the skin.

When he’s finished, the old cowboy tells the barber that was the cleanest shave he’d had in years, but he wanted to know what would have happened if he had accidentally swallowed the little ball.

The barber replied, “Just bring it back in a couple of days like everyone else does”...

Monkey Eats Everything

A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink, and while he's drinking, the monkey jumps all over the place, eating everything behind the bar. Then the monkey jumps on to the pool table and swallows a billiard ball.

The bartender screams at the guy, "Your monkey just ate the cue ball off my pool table -- whole!"

"Sorry," replied the guy. "He eats everything in sight, the little bastard. I'll pay for everything."

The man finishes his drink, pays and leaves.

Two weeks later, he's in the bar with his pet monkey, again. He orders a drink, and the monkey starts running around the bar. The monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his a**, pulls it out and eats it.

The bartender is disgusted. "Did you see what your monkey did now?" he asks.

"Yeah," replies the guy. "He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he swallowed that cue ball, he measures stuff first."

[ShockerPhi]

I just spent the last five minutes laughing as quietly as I could at work.

[WstateU]

nm

[WstateU]

Postman Gottfried's Last Day


It was Postman Pat's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same town..in Minnesota.

When he arrived at the first house on his route, he was greeted by the whole family there, who all hugged and congratulated him and sent him on his way with a cheque for $50.

At the second house they presented him an 18-carat gold watch.

The folks at the third house handed him a bottle of 15-year old Scotch whisky.

At the fourth house he was met at the door by a blonde in her lingerie. She took him by the arm and led him up the stairs to the bedroom where she blew his mind with the most passionate love he had
ever experienced.

When they went downstairs, the 'blonde' fixed him a full breakfast: Bacon, Eggs, Sausage & Tomato with freshly squeezed orange juice.

As she was pouring him a cup of steaming coffee, he noticed a one dollar coin in the saucer.

'All this is just too wonderful for words,' he said, 'but what's the dollar for?'

'Well,' said the blonde, 'Last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day and that we should do something special for you.

I asked him what I should give you'.

He said, 'Screw him.. Give him a dollar.'

She smiled shyly and said, 'The breakfast was my idea.'

[pinstripers]

Subject:Fill it -Up

There was this country gas station in trying to increase it's sales, so the owner put up a sign saying "Free Sex with Fill-up."

Soon a "redneck" customer pulled in, filled his tank, and then asked for his free sex.

The owner told him to pick a number from (1) to (10), and if he guessed correctly, he would get his free sex. The buyer then guessed (8) and the proprietor said, "No, you were close. The number was (7). Sorry, no free sex this time but maybe next time".

Some time thereafter, the same man, along with his buddy this time, pulled in again for a fill-up, and again he asked for his free sex. The proprietor again gave him the same story and asked him to guess the correct number. The man guessed (2) this time, and the proprietor said, "Sorry, it was (3). You were close but no free sex this time".

As they were driving away, the driver said to his buddy, "I think that game is rigged and he doesn't give away free sex". The buddy replied, "No, it's not rigged -- my girl friend won twice last week."[IMG]file:///C:/Users/owner/AppData/Local/Temp/msohtmlclip1/01/clip_image001.gif[/IMG]

[WstateU]

Subject:Fill it -Up

There was this country gas station in trying to increase it's sales, so the owner put up a sign saying "Free Sex with Fill-up."

Soon a "redneck" customer pulled in, filled his tank, and then asked for his free sex.

The owner told him to pick a number from (1) to (10), and if he guessed correctly, he would get his free sex. The buyer then guessed (8) and the proprietor said, "No, you were close. The number was (7). Sorry, no free sex this time but maybe next time".

Some time thereafter, the same man, along with his buddy this time, pulled in again for a fill-up, and again he asked for his free sex. The proprietor again gave him the same story and asked him to guess the correct number. The man guessed (2) this time, and the proprietor said, "Sorry, it was (3). You were close but no free sex this time".

As they were driving away, the driver said to his buddy, "I think that game is rigged and he doesn't give away free sex". The buddy replied, "No, it's not rigged -- my girl friend won twice last week."[IMG]file:///C:/Users/owner/AppData/Local/Temp/msohtmlclip1/01/clip_image001.gif[/IMG]

[WheatShock]

A teenager received his brand-new driver’s license.

The family trooped out to the driveway and climbed into the car, where the young man was going to take them for a ride for the first time.

Dad immediately heads for the back seat, directly behind the newly minted driver.

“I’ll bet you’re back there to get a change of scenery after all those months of sitting in the front passenger seat teaching me how to drive,” said the beaming boy to his father.

“Nope,” came Dad’s reply, “I’m gonna sit here and kick the back of your seat as you drive, just like you’ve been doing to me all these years.”

[WstateU]

A father told each of his 3 sons when he sent them off to college, "I feel it's my duty to provide you with the best possible education, and you do not owe me anything for that. However, I want you to appreciate it. As a token, please each put $1,000 into my coffin when I die."

And so it happened. His sons became a doctor, a lawyer and a financial planner, each very successful financially. When their father's time had come, and they saw their father in the coffin, they remembered his wish.

First, the doctor put 10 newly printed crisp $100 bills onto the chest of the deceased.
Then, the financial planner also put $1,000 there in 20 newly printed crisp $50 bills.

Finally, it was the heartbroken lawyer's turn. He reached into his pocket, took out his checkbook, wrote a check for $3,000, put it into his father's coffin, and took the $2,000 cash.

The lawyer is now running for Congress in your district.

[WstateU]

Cold and Hot Complaint

After his exam the doctor said to the elderly man: "You appear to be in good health. Do you have any medical concerns you would like to ask me about?"

"In fact, I do," said the old man. "After I have sex I am usually cold and chilly, and then, after I have sex with her the second time, I am usually hot and sweaty."

After examining his elderly wife, the doctor said: "Everything appears to be fine. Do you have any medical concerns that you would like to discuss with me?" The lady replied that she had no questions or concerns.The doctor then said to her: "Your husband had an unusual concern. He claims that he is usually cold and chilly after having sex with you the first time, and then hot and sweaty after the second time. Do you know why?"

"Oh that crazy old fart," she replied. "That's because the first time is usually in January and the second time is in August."

[pinstripers]

1. Jack decided to go skiing with his buddy, Dan. So they loaded up Jack's minivan and headed north.
2. After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard. So they pulled into a nearby farm and asked the attractive lady who answered the door if they could spend the night.
3. 'I realize it's terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I'm recently widowed,' she explained. 'I'm afraid the neighbors will talk if I let you stay in my house....'
4. 'Don't worry,' Jack said.. 'We'll be happy to sleep in the barn. And if the weather breaks, we'll be gone at first light.'
   The lady agreed, and the two men found their way to the barn and settled in for the night.
5. Come morning, the weather had cleared, and they got on their way. They enjoyed a great weekend of skiing.
6. But about nine months later, Jack got an unexpected letter from an attorney. It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally determined that it was from the attorney of that attractive widow he had met on the ski weekend
7. He dropped in on his friend Dan and asked, "Dan, do you remember that good-looking widow from the farm we stayed at on our ski holiday up north about 9 months ago?"
8. "Yes, I do," said Dan.
9. "Did you, er, happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and pay her a visit?"
10. "Well, um, yes!," Dan said, a little embarrassed about being found out, “I have to admit that I did."
11. "And did you happen to give her my name instead of telling her your name?"
12. Dan's face turned beet red and he said, "Yeah, look, I'm sorry, buddy. I'm afraid I did. Why do you ask?"
13. "She just died and left me everything."

[pinstripers]

Mrs p's Uncle Debbert told me that he used to date a lady DJ and one time, walkin out of a motel room, he grinned and ast, "how'd you like that tune , baby?"........she answered, "it was fine, but I like the long version better."...........

[im4wsu]

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[WstateU]

Mrs p's Uncle Debbert told me that he used to date a lady DJ and one time, walkin out of a motel room, he grinned and ast, "how'd you like that tune , baby?"........she answered, "it was fine, but I like the long version better."...........