Humor

[pinstripers]

Went to the city the other day, shoppin.

I was walking by a car filled with black kids, and I heard a *click* as they locked the doors.

I felt like such a bad-ass.

Then I realized it was my car.

[WstateU]

Not sure this should be in the humor thread....

[WstateU]

[WstateU]

[WstateU]

[jdmee]

This homeless man asked me for 20$ so I asked if he would buy booze with it. He said no I haven’t had a beer in years. I asked if he would by BBQ stuff he said no I got rid of my BBQ stuff 5 years ago. So I said how about I bring you home & get you and your friend cleaned up. My wife will make you dinner. Then I will bring you back and give you 20$.
He said won’t your wife get mad?
I said it didn’t matter.
I want her to see what happens to a man when he stops buying beer and BBQ stuff

[pinstripers]

Guy goes to the doctor.
Doctor looking him over very carefully, and asks, "do you drink?"
Guy replies, "I'm unemployed, divorced, alimony payments, yeah I drink."
Doctor says, "do you drink every day?"
"I guess so, yeah."
"Would you consider yourself an alcoholic?"
"Well, doc, yeah, I suppose so."
"How many drinks would you say you had a week?"
"Jesus, doc, I said I was an alcoholic, not a friggin accountant!"

[WstateU]

[SHOXAAC]

Continue…

[WstateU]

[pinstripers]

A woman was having a passionate affair with an Irish inspector from a pest-control company. One afternoon they were carrying on in the bedroom together when her husband arrived home unexpectedly.
'Quick,' said the woman to the lover, 'into the closet!' and she pushed him in the closet, stark naked.
The husband, however, became suspicious and after a search of the bedroom discovered the man in the closet. 'Who are you?' he asked him.
'I'm an inspector from Bugs-B-Gone,' said the exterminator.
'What are you doing in there?' the husband asked.
'I'm investigating a complaint about an infestation of moths,' the man replied. "You don't want them eating all your clothes."
'And where are YOUR clothes?' asked the husband.
The man looked down at himself and said, 'Those sneaky little bastards!"

[WstateU]

[shoxlax]

A deaf mute guy walks up to a foursome on the first hole, hands one of the players a card that says “I am a deaf mute, playing as a single. May I play through?”

The guy that gets the card is a total jerk, shakes his head no, and points the deaf mute to go back and wait his turn.

A few holes later the jerk is standing in the fairway and gets hit in the head by a golf ball.

Angry and in excruciating pain, he turns around and sees the deaf mute holding up four fingers.

[WstateU]

[WstateU]

As i boarded an airplane and took my seat. As I was settling in, I glanced Up and saw the most beautiful woman boarding the plane. I soon realized She was heading straight towards my seat. As fate would have it, she took The seat right beside me. Eager to strike up a conversation I blurted out, Business trip or pleasure
She turned, smiled and said, Business. I’m going to the Annual Nymphomaniacs of America Convention in Boston.
I swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman i had ever seen Sitting next to me, and she was going to a meeting of nymphomaniacs!
Struggling to maintain my composure, i calmly asked, What’s your Business at this convention
Lecturer, she responded. I use information that I have learned from my Personal experiences to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality
Really i said. And what kind of myths are there
Well she explained, one popular myth is that African-American men are The most well-endowed of all men, when in fact it is the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait. Another popular myth is That Frenchmen are the best lovers, when actually it is Scotsmen who are the best. I have also discovered that the lover with Absolutely the best stamina is the Irish
Suddenly the woman became a little uncomfortable and blushed.. I’m Sorry, she said, I shouldn't really be discussing all of this with you. I don’t Even know your name.
“Tonto,” i said, “Tonto McTavish but my friends call me Paddy".