Humor

[pinstripers]

Two women, a Southern Belle and a Northerner, are sitting beside each other on a plane.

The Belle turns to the other and drawls, “Where are y’all from?”

The other women replies, “I’m from a place where we do not end our sentences in prepositions!”

A long silence ensued. Finally, the Belle asked, “Where are y’all from, B!tch?

[pinstripers]

[WstateU]

This dude hates spiders...

[WstateU]

This one too... been there!

[WstateU]

It's creepy crawler day...

[pinstripers]

A prostitute told me in the pub last night that I could have sex with her for the reduced rate of $10 as she didn't have a womb...

Intrigued, I asked where could we go do it...

She replied, "Acwoss the woad, against those wailings"...

[WstateU]

https://media.giphy.com/media/NUrSrOBAwPT8c/giphy.gif

[pinstripers]

[pinstripers]

Two doctors in practice in a small country clinic had to hire a new nurse when the one they had won the lottery and quit.

They interviewed Nurse Nancy and decided to hire her. She had only worked two days when one doctor called the other to his office and said that they would have to let Nurse Nancy go.

"Why, we just hired her?"

"Well, I think she is dyslexic and get thing backward. I told her to give Mr. Smith two shots of morphine every 24 four hour, but she gave him 24 shots in two hours and it almost killed him. I told her to give Mrs. Jones an enema every twelve hours and she gave her twelve in one hour."

The doctor have barely finished his reasons when the other doctor rushed out of the room. "Where are you going in such a hurry?" the doctor asked.

"To see Nurse Nancy, I just instructed her to pr!ck Mr. Hill's Boil!"

[pinstripers]

If you give three liberals a light bulb what would happen? The first one would say its causing global warming, The second one would say its racist, The third one would say its not a light bulb unless Obama says let there be light.

[WstateU]

The 'Obama bulb'! What a sorry excuse for a light bulb... Thomas Edison is turning in his grave.

https://media.giphy.com/media/aljcGvTYiyaJy/giphy.gif

[im4wsu]

Tghis has been around before, but somebody "brought it up" again

[WstateU]

The Department of the Navy is now assigning females to quarters in a separate private "OFF LIMITS" area on all aircraft carriers.

While addressing all personnel at Pearl Harbor, CINCPAC advised.

"Female sleeping quarters will be "out-of-bounds" for all males.

Anyone caught breaking this rule will be fined $50 the first time."

And the Admiral continued, "Anyone caught breaking this rule the second time will be fined $150. Being caught a third time will cost you a fine of $500.

Are there any questions?"

At this point, a US Marine from the security detail assigned to one of the ships stood up in the crowd and inquired:

"Sir, respectfully, how much for a season pass?”

God bless the Marine Corps

[pinstripers]

An old Irish farmer's sheep dog goes missing and he's inconsolable.
Philomena, his wife says, 'Patrick, why don't you put an ad in the paper?'
He does, but two weeks later the dog is still missing.
... 'What did you put in the paper?' Philomena asks.
'Here boy.' Patrick replies.

[pinstripers]

Big news last night. Pope Francis announced that he has invited Bernie Sanders to lunch at the Vatican, with the full tour to follow, and the opportunity to say a few words from the balcony. When asked why Hillary Clinton was not invited as well, the Pope responded through his interpreter that the Vatican "could not afford her."

[pinstripers]

A Psychiatrist draws a triangle, "Now tell me, what's that?"

"A naked woman," replies the patient.

Psychiatrist draws a line, "Now tell me what you see."

"A naked man," replies the patient.

Psychiatrist draws a load of circles, "Now what's that?"

"An orgy," replies the patient.

"I can conclude sir, that you are a sex maniac."

"Me? You're the one who's drawing all the dirty pictures."

[pinstripers]

Moishe Friedman was working on being more romantic and communicative with his wife Debbie, although as hard as he tried, he wasn’t quite getting it.

Case in point, Moishe and Debbie were at the wedding of one of his nephews. As the music played during a recent wedding reception, Moishe leaned in and said to Debbie, “Sweetie, you are more beautiful than half the women here.”