Humor

[pinstripers]

These three men went into business together and the first one said:

"I put up sixty-five percent of the capital, so I'm the president and chairman of the board."

"I put up thirty percent of the money," said the second, "so I'm appointing myself vice president, secretary and treasurer."
"Well I put up five percent," pointed out the third partner. "What's that make me?"
The chairman said, "I'm appointing you vice president of sex and music."
"That sounds mighty fine," said the third man, "but what does it mean?"
"It means what when I want your f*cking advice, I'll whistle."

[pinstripers]

After spending several hours in one of his branch offices, Bart crossed the street to visit another of his favorite establishments.

As he entered, he was feeling extremely frisky and charming and his gaze immediately locked onto an attractive woman sitting alone at the bar. He slithered up behind her, tapped her on the shoulder, and when she turned, he kissed her.

She stared at him with a look of shock and astonishment and Bart said, "Sorry about that, Darlin', I thought you were my wife."

Over the shock, the woman responded with anger and contempt, "You low-life -- Get away from me."

Not the least bit deterred, Bart purred, "That's amazing. You don't just look like her, you sound like her too."

[pinstripers]

An artist is commissioned to create a painting celebrating the Obama administration, to be called “Obama in Chicago.”

When the painting is unveiled in Washington, there is a gasp from the invited guests. The painting depicts Michelle Obama naked in bed with Attorney General Eric Holder.

“But this is a travesty! Where is Obama?” Asks one of the guests.
“Obama is in Chicago,” replies the painter.

[pinstripers]

Two cowboys are out on the range talking about their favorite sex position. One says, "I think I enjoy the rodeo position the best." "I don't think I have ever heard of that one," says the other cowboy. "What is it?" "Well, it's where you get your girl down on all four, and you mount her from behind. Then you reach around, cup her t*ts, and whisper in her ear, 'boy these feel almost as nice as your sisters.' Then you try and hold on for 30 seconds."

[pinstripers]

It’s a five minute walk from my house to the pub.
It’s a thirty five minute walk from the pub to my house.

The difference is staggering.

[pinstripers]

Bubba and Virgil are sitting in a small town bar.

Virgil brags: "You know, I've had every woman in this town.
"Except my mama, of course!"
"Well then," says Bubba. "Between you and I, we've had 'em all

[pinstripers]

Faith healer ask a young man about his uncle. The fellow said “he has been sick”.

The faith healer said “ he just thinks he is sick, he doesn’t have enough faith”.

The faith healer sees the young man about a month later an asked the him about his uncle.

The kid answered “ Now he thinks he's dead”.

[pinstripers]

[WstateU]

The IRS suspected a fishing boat owner wasn’t paying proper wages to his deckhand and sent an agent to investigate him.

IRS AUDITOR: “I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them”.

BOAT OWNER: “Well, there’s Clarence, my deckhand, he’s been with me for 5 years. I pay him $1,000 a week plus free room and board. Then there’s the mentally challenged guy. He works about 18 hours every day and does about 90% of the work around here. He makes about $20 per week, pays his own room and board, and I buy him a bottle of Bacardi rum and a dozen Budweisers every Saturday night so he can cope with life. He also gets to sleep with my wife on occasion”.

IRS AUDITOR: “That’s the guy I want to talk to – the mentally challenged one”.

BOAT OWNER: “That would be me. What would you like to know”?

[ShockerPrez]

IMG_54231.jpg Buddy of mine and fellow Shocker alum bought the naming rights at his kid's school for a year.

This is in the belly of the beast KU country. Johnson County. He has shown the way it's done.

I can only imagine how much money it will fetch from a KU fan next year to buy it back! Lol

[pinstripers]

He faces a volley of rapid fire questions from his wife, who is always a bit suspicious of her husband’s roving eye.

Dora (Pedro's wife): “Does your new secretary have nice legs?"

Pedro: “Didn’t quite notice."

Dora: "What color are her eyes?"

Pedro: “Haven’t had the time

to check."

Dora: "What are the nail polish colors she uses, metallic, gel or neon ?"

Pedro: “Not a clue in the world."

Dora: "Does she wear matte, glossy or frosted lipstick?”

Pedro: “I barely spoke to her, so don’t know.”

Dora: "How does she dress?"

Pedro: "Very quickly”

[pinstripers]

An old man took his dog to the vet after getting several complaints from the mailman. After examining the dog, the vet said, "Sir, I don't see anything wrong with your dog other than the fact that he is old, and through my years of practice, I have found that if you castrate an old dog, they will get fat and lazy and mellow out quite a bit."

After giving this much thought, the old man said, "OK doc, go ahead, because if I don't do something, my ass is going to end up in jail." Three days later, the old man went to the vet's office, picked the dog up and took him home.

That evening, the old man was sitting on his porch reading his paper, and the bulldog was laying by his side. Along came the mailman, who turned into the old man's front gate to give the old man his mail. Off of the porch jumped the dog, knocked the mailman down, and proceeded to tear his ass up.

The old man came off of the porch, picked the dog up, placed him under his arm and said, "Damn Mr. Mailman, I'm sorry as hell, but I just don't know what to do with this damn dog." "As a matter of fact, I just took him to the vet three days ago and had him castrated."

The mailman got up, brushed himself off and said, "Well you dumb son-of-a-*****, you should have had his teeth pulled! Hell, I could tell that he didn't want to screw me when he came off of the porch!"

[pinstripers]

An older man goes to the doctor and tells the doc he hasn't been feeling well.

So the doc does a battery of tests. The doc comes in and says, " I have some horrible news. You have a terminal illness and only have 10 to live."

The patient yells, "10? 10 what? 10 days? 10 months? 10 years?" The doc says, "9"

[WstateU]

An older man goes to the doctor and tells the doc he hasn't been feeling well.

So the doc does a battery of tests. The doc comes in and says, " I have some horrible news. You have a terminal illness and only have 10 to live."

The patient yells, "10? 10 what? 10 days? 10 months? 10 years?" The doc says, "9"

[WstateU]

Irish Blonde...

An attractive blonde from Cork , Ireland , arrived at the casino. She seemed a little intoxicated and bet twenty
thousand dollars in a single roll of the dice.
She said, "I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm completely nude." With that, she stripped from the neck down, rolled the dice and with an Irish brogue yelled, "Come on, baby, Mama needs new clothes!"
As the dice came to a stop, she jumped up and down and squealed. "Yes! Yes! I won, I won!" She hugged each of the dealers, picked up her winnings and her clothes and quickly departed.
The dealers stared at each other dumbfounded. Finally, one of them asked, "What did she roll?" The other answered, "I don't know - I thought you were watching"
MORAL OF THE STORY
Not all Irish are drunks, not all blondes are dumb..... but all men...are men!