Humor

[WheatShock]

An Indian walks into a cafe with a shotgun in one hand pulling a male buffalo with the other.

He says to the waiter: 'Want coffee.'

The waiter says, 'Sure, Chief. Coming right up.'

He gets the Indian a tall mug of coffee. The Indian drinks the coffee down in one gulp, turns and blasts the buffalo with the shotgun, causing parts of the animal to splatter everywhere and then just walks out.

The next morning the Indian returns. He has his shotgun in one hand, pulling another male buffalo with the other. He walks up to the counter and says to the waiter 'Want coffee.'

The waiter says 'Whoa, Tonto! We're still cleaning up your mess from yesterday. What was all that about, anyway?'

The Indian smiles and proudly says, 'I training for position in United States Congress: Come in, drink coffee, shoot the bull, leave mess for others to clean up, disappear for rest of day!'

[im4wsu]

Carved from a tree in Great Bend, Kansas. Just wanted to show it off, but to make it somewhat humerous, just add the caption "Sigh, not actual size"

JackDaniels.JPG

[pinstripers]

A guy stopped at a local gas station, and after filling his tank, he paid the bill and bought a soft drink. He stood by his car to drink his cola and watched a couple of men working along the roadside.
One man would dig a hole two or three feet deep and then move on.
The other man came along behind him and filled in the hole.
... While one was digging a new hole, the other was 25 feet behind filling in the hole. The men worked right past the guy with the soft drink and went on down the road.
"I can't stand this," said the man tossing the can into a trash
container and headed down the road toward the men. "Hold it, hold it," he said to the men. "Can you tell me what's going on here with all this digging and refilling?"
"Well, we work for the government and we're just doing our job," one of the men said.
"But one of you is digging a hole and the other fills it up. You're not accomplishing anything. Aren't you wasting the taxpayers' money?"
"You don't understand, mister," one of the men said, leaning on his shovel and wiping his brow. "Normally there's three of us: Me, Elmer and Leroy. I dig the hole, Elmer sticks in the tree, and Leroy here puts the dirt back. You see with the government sequestering, they are not buying any more trees so Elmer's job's been cut ... so now it's just me an' Leroy.

[WheatShock]

A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband.

Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen. “Careful,” he started, “CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my gosh! You’re cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my gosh! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They’re going to STICK! Careful. CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you’re cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don’t forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use. The. Salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!”

The wife stared at him, irritated and bewildered. “What in the world is wrong with you? You think I don’t know how to fry a couple of eggs?”

The husband calmly replied, “I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I’m driving.”

[WstateU]

A guy went to the Post Office to apply for a job.

The interviewer asked him, “Are you allergic to anything?”

He replied, “Yes – caffeine.”

“Have you ever been in the military service?”

“Yes,’ he replied. ‘I did two combat tours in Afghanistan.”

The interviewer said, “That will give you 5 extra points toward employment.”

Then he asked, “Are you disabled in any way?”

The guy said, “Yes…an IED exploded near me and I lost both of my testicles.”

The interviewer grimaced and then said, “O.K. You’ve got enough points for me to hire you right now. Our normal hours are from 8 AM to 4 PM. You can start tomorrow at 10:00 – and plan to start at 10 AM every day.”

The guy was puzzled and asks, “If the work hours are from 8 AM to 4 PM, why don’t you want me to here until 10 AM?”

“This is a government job,” the interviewer said.

“For the first two hours, we just stand around drinking coffee and scratching our balls. No point in you coming in for that.”

[WstateU]

A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband.

Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen. “Careful,” he started, “CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my gosh! You’re cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my gosh! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They’re going to STICK! Careful. CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you’re cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don’t forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use. The. Salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!”

The wife stared at him, irritated and bewildered. “What in the world is wrong with you? You think I don’t know how to fry a couple of eggs?”

The husband calmly replied, “I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I’m driving.”

[atlwsu]

My daughter laughed but my wife didn't

[pinstripers]

One Christmas Eve, a frenzied young man ran into a pet shop looking for
an unusual Christmas gift for his wife. The shop owner suggested a parrot,
named Chet, which could sing famous Christmas carols. This seemed like the
perfect gift.

"How do I get him to sing?" the young man asked excitedly.

"Simply hold a lighted match directly under his feet," the shop owner
replied.

The shop owner held a lighted match under the parrot's left foot.

Chet began to sing: "Jingle Bells! Jingle Bells! ..."

The shop owner then held another match under the parrot's right foot.

Then Chet's tune changed, and the air was filled with: "Silent Night,
Holy Night..."

The young man was so impressed that he paid the shop keeper and ran home
as quickly as he could with Chet under his arm.

When his wife saw her gift, she was overwhelmed.

"How beautiful!" She exclaimed, "can he talk?"

"No," the young man replied, "but he can sing. Let me show you."

So the young man whipped out his lighter and placed it under Chet's left
foot, as the shop keeper had shown him, and Chet crooned: "Jingle Bells!
Jingle Bells!..."

The man then moved the lighter to Chet's right foot, and out came:
"Silent Night, Holy night..."

The wife, her face filled with curiosity, then asked, "What if we hold
the lighter between his legs?"

The man did not know.

"Let's try it," he answered, eager to please his wife.

So they held the lighter between Chet's legs.

Chet twisted his face, cleared his throat, and the little parrot sang
out loudly like it was the performance of his life:

"Chet's nuts roasting on an open fire..."

[WstateU]

This is the story of the young blonde flying in a two-seater airplane with just the pilot.

He has a heart attack and dies.

She, frantically, grabs the mike and calls out a May Day.

"May Day! May Day! Help me! Help me!

The pilot had a heart attack and is dead. I don't know how to fly. Someone help me! Please, someone, help me!"

She then hears a voice on the radio saying:

"This is Air Traffic Control and I have you loud and clear.

I will talk you through this and get you back on the ground.

I've had a lot of experience with this kind of problem.

Now, just take a deep breath, stay calm and everything will be fine!

Now give me your height and position."

She then says, "I'm 5'4" and I support Hillary"

"O.K." says the voice on the radio,

"Repeat after me: Our Father, Who art in Heaven"........................

[pinstripers]

1. Since Valentine's Day is for a Christian saint and we're Jewish," she asks, "Will God get mad at me for giving someone a valentine?
2. Thelma's father thinks a bit then says "No, I don't think God would get mad. Who do you want to give a valentine to?"
3. "The whole ISIS group," she says.
4. ...
5. "Why them?," her father asks in shock.
6. "Well," she says, "I thought that if a little American Jewish girl could have enough love to give them a valentine, they might start to think that maybe we're not all bad, and maybe start loving people a little bit. And if other kids saw what I did and then they sent valentines to them, they'd love everyone a lot."
7. "And then they'd start going all over the place telling everyone how much they loved them and how they didn't hate anyone anymore."
8. Her father's heart swells and he looks at his daughter with new found pride.
9. "Thelma, that's the most wonderful thing I've ever heard. "
10. "I know," Thelma says, "and once that gets them out in the open, the Marines could blow the **** out of them."

[pinstripers]

Shane walked into the bar and sit on the chair. He says to the bartender 10 shots of whiskey. The bartender says, “What’s the matter? I think it is too much.”

Shane replies, “I found out my brother is gay and marrying with my best friend.”

The next day Shane comes again to the bar and orders 15 shots of whiskey.

The bartenders asks, “What’s wrong this time?”

Shane answers, “I found out that my son is gay.”

The next day the Shane comes in the bar and orders 20 shots of whiskey.

Then the bartender asks, “Doesn’t anyone in your family like women?”

Shane looks up to the bartender and says, “Apprently my wife does.”

[WstateU]

Shane walked into the bar and sit on the chair. He says to the bartender 10 shots of whiskey. The bartender says, “What’s the matter? I think it is too much.”

Shane replies, “I found out my brother is gay and marrying with my best friend.”

The next day Shane comes again to the bar and orders 15 shots of whiskey.

The bartenders asks, “What’s wrong this time?”

Shane answers, “I found out that my son is gay.”

The next day the Shane comes in the bar and orders 20 shots of whiskey.

Then the bartender asks, “Doesn’t anyone in your family like women?”

Shane looks up to the bartender and says, “Apprently my wife does.”

[im4wsu]

joke.jpg

[Kung Wu]

How to make 168 people suddenly have to go to the restroom ...

4820CCCA00000578-5267529-image-a-46_1515924363639.jpg

OK, this isn't really a humor post, but I didn't want to start a new thread. That's a Boeing 737-800 that skidded off an icy runway in Turkey, with nose pointing at the Black Sea. No injuries reported for the 168 passengers.

[pinstripers]

Boudreaux, the smoothest-talking Cajun in the Louisiana National Guard, got called up to active duty.

Boudreaux's first assignment was in a military induction center.

Because he was a good talker, they assigned him the duty of advising new recruits about

government benefits, especially the GI insurance to which they were entitled.

The officer in charge soon noticed that Boudreaux was getting a 99% sign-up rate for the more expensive

supplemental form of GI insurance. This was remarkable, because it cost these low-income recruits

$30.00 per month for the higher coverage, compared to what the government was already providing

at no charge. The officer decided he'd sit in the back of the room at the next briefing

and observe Boudreaux's sales pitch.

Boudreaux stood up before the latest group of inductees and said,

"If you has da normal GI insurans an' you goes to Afghanistan an' gets youself killed,

da govment' pays you benefishery $20,000. If you takes out da suppmental insurans,

which cost you only t'irty dollars a munt, den da governmen' gots ta pay you benefishery $400,000!

Now," Boudreaux concluded, "which bunch you tink da governmen’ gonna send ta Afghanistan first?"

[WstateU]

Sorry if this is a repeat... good day!


'F' Word


When is " @#$% " or " @#$%ing " Acceptable?

There are only 11 times in history where the "F" word has been considered acceptable for use.

They are as follows in ASCENDING order....




11. "What the @#$% do you mean, we are sinking?"

~ Capt. E.J. Smith of RMS Titanic, 1912.


10. "What the @#$% was that?"

~ Mayor Of Hiroshima, 1945


9. "Where did all those @#$%ing Indians come from?"

~ George Custer, 1877


8. "Any @#$%ing idiot could understand that."

~ Albert Einstein, 1938.


7. "It does so @#$%ing look like her!"


~ Picasso, 1926


6. "How the @#$% did you work that out?"

~ Pythagoras, 126 BC.


5. "You want WHAT on the @#$%ing ceiling?"

~ Michelangelo, 1566.


4. "Where the @#$% are we?"

~ Amelia Earhart, 1937


3. "Scattered @#$%ing showers, my ass!"

~ Noah, 4314 BC


2. "Aw come on Monica. Who the @#$% is going to find out?"

~ Bill Clinton, 1998


"AND THE WINNER IS ......


1. "There is no @#$%ing way Trump will ever become President"

~ Hillary Clinton 2016