Humor

[WstateU]

I thought you would want to know about this e-mail virus.

Even the most advanced programs from Norton or McAfee cannot take care of this one..

It appears to affect those who were born prior to 1955.

Symptoms:

1. Causes you to send the same e-mail twice.

Done that!

2. Causes you to send a blank e-mail!

That too!

3. Causes you to send e-mail to the wrong person.

Yep!

4. Causes you to send it back to the person who sent it to you.

Aha!

5. Causes you to forget to attach the attachment.

Well well!

6. Causes you to hit "SEND" before you've finished.

Oh, no not again!

7. Causes you to hit "DELETE" instead of "SEND."

And I just hate that!

8. Causes you to hit "SEND" when you should "DELETE.."

Oh No!

IT'S CALLED THE

"C-NILE VIRUS."

Have I already sent this to you?

Or did you send it to me?

[pinstripers]

One lazy Sunday afternoon, the wife and I were sitting around the breakfast table when I said unexpectedly, "when I die, I want you sell all my stuff, immediately."

"Now why would you want me to do something like that?" She replied.

"I figure a woman as fine as yourself will eventually remarry and I don't want some jackass using my stuff," I told her.

She stared at me for a bit and responded, "what makes you think I'd marry another jackass?"

[WstateU]

A young man with his pants hanging half off his ass, two gold front teeth, and a half inch thick gold chain around his neck; walked into the local welfare office to pick up his check.
He marched up to the counter and said, "Hi. You know, I just hate drawing welfare.
I'd really rather have a job. I don't like taking advantage of the system, getting something for nothing."
The social worker behind the counter said "Your timing is excellent. We Just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a chauffeur and bodyguard for his beautiful daughter. You will have to drive around in his 2017 Mercedes-Benz CL, and he will supply all of your clothes."
"Because of the long hours, meals will be provided. You'll also be expected to escort the daughter on her overseas holiday trips. This is rather awkward to say but you will also have, as part of your job, the assignment to satisfy her sexual urges as the daughter is in her mid-20's and has a rather strong sex drive."
The guy, just plain wide-eyed, said, "You're bullshittin' me!"
The social worker said, "Yeah, well... you started it."

[Walker]

[WstateU]

I decided not to 'derail' the “Alex Lomax” thread, however each time I see his name listed, I’m reminded of this hilarious movie clip. LMAO at Bernie Lomax…

[im4wsu]

BEDTIME PRAYERS

A father put his three-year-old daughter to bed, told her a story and listened to her prayers which ended by saying, "God bless Mommy, God bless Daddy, and God bless Grandma and goodbye Grandpa.”





The father asked, "Why did you say goodbye Grandpa?”
The little girl said, "I don't know, Daddy, it just seemed like the thing to do.” The next day grandpa died. The father thought it was a strange coincidence.





A few months later the father put the girl to bed and listened to her prayers which went like this: "God bless Mommy, God bless Daddy and goodbye Grandma." The next day the grandmother died.
"Holy Moly, thought the father, "this kid is in contact with the other side.”

Several weeks later when the girl was going to bed the dad heard her say: "God bless Mommy and goodbye Daddy…" He practically went into shock. He couldn't sleep all night and got up at the crack of dawn to go to his office. He was nervous as a cat all day, had lunch and watched the clock. He figured if he could get by until midnight he would be okay. He felt safe in the office, so instead of going home at the end of the day he stayed there, drinking coffee, looking at his watch and jumping at every sound. Finally, midnight arrived, he breathed a sigh of relief and went home. When he got home his wife said, "I've never seen you work so late, what's the matter?”





He said, "I don't want to talk about it, I've just spent the worst day of my life.”

She said, "You think you had a bad day, you'll never believe what happened to me this morning. My golf pro dropped dead in the middle of my lesson."

[WstateU]

Bad luck 'porker'...

[RoyalShock]

Bad luck 'porker'...

That's doin' it piggy style!

[shoxilla]

I miss The Valley.

[pinstripers]

A father, son and grandson went to the country club for their weekly round of golf. Just as they reached the first tee, a beautiful young blonde woman carrying her bag of clubs approached them.

She explained that the member who brought her to the club for a round of golf had an emergency that called him away and asked the trio whether she could join them. Naturally, the guys all agreed.

Smiling, the blonde thanked them and said, "Look, fellows, I work in a topless bar as a dancer, so nothing shocks me anymore. If any of you want to smoke cigars, have a beer, bet, swear, tell off-color stories or do anything that you normally do when playing a round together, go ahead. But, I enjoy playing golf, consider myself pretty good at it, so don't try to coach me on how to play my shots."

With that the guys agreed to relax and invited her to drive first. All eyes were fastened on her shapely behind as she bent to place her ball on the tee. She then took her driver and hit the ball 270 yards down the middle, right in front of the green.

The father's mouth was agape. "That was beautiful," he said. The blonde put her driver away and said, "I really didn't get into it, and I faded it a little."

After the three guys hit their drives and their second shots, the blonde took out an eight iron and lofted the ball within five feet of the hole. (She was closest to the pin.)

The son said, "Darn, lady, you played that perfectly." The blonde frowned and said, "It was a little weak, but even an easy seven would have been too much club. I've left a tricky little putt." She then tapped in the five-footer for a birdie. Having the honors, she drove first on the second hole, knocked the heck out of the ball, and it landed nearly 300 yards away smack in the middle of the fairway.
For the rest of the round the statuesque blonde continued to amaze the guys, quietly and methodically shooting for par or less on every hole.
When they arrived at the 18th green, the blonde was three under par, and had a very nasty 12-foot putt on an undulating green for a par.

She turned to the three guys and said, "I really want to thank you all for not acting like a bunch of chauvinists and telling me what club to use or how to play a shot, but I need this putt for a 69 and I'd really like to break 70 on this course.

If any one of you can tell me how to make par on this hole I'll take him back to my apartment, pour some 35-year-old Single Malt Strath Mill Scotch in him, fix him a steak dinner and then show him a very good time the rest of the night."

The yuppie son jumped at the thought! He strolled across the green, carefully eyeing the line of the putt and finally said, "Honey, aim about 6 inches to the right of the hole and hit it firm. It will get over that little hump and break right into the cup."

The father knelt down and sighted the putt using his putter as a plumb. "Don't listen to the kid, darlin', you want to hit it softly 10 inches to the right and let it run left down that little hogback, so it falls into the cup."

The old gray-haired grandfather walked over to the blonde's ball, picked it up and handed it to her and said, "That's a gimme, sweetheart."

[WstateU]

A father, son and grandson went to the country club for their weekly round of golf. Just as they reached the first tee, a beautiful young blonde woman carrying her bag of clubs approached them.

She explained that the member who brought her to the club for a round of golf had an emergency that called him away and asked the trio whether she could join them. Naturally, the guys all agreed.

Smiling, the blonde thanked them and said, "Look, fellows, I work in a topless bar as a dancer, so nothing shocks me anymore. If any of you want to smoke cigars, have a beer, bet, swear, tell off-color stories or do anything that you normally do when playing a round together, go ahead. But, I enjoy playing golf, consider myself pretty good at it, so don't try to coach me on how to play my shots."

With that the guys agreed to relax and invited her to drive first. All eyes were fastened on her shapely behind as she bent to place her ball on the tee. She then took her driver and hit the ball 270 yards down the middle, right in front of the green.

The father's mouth was agape. "That was beautiful," he said. The blonde put her driver away and said, "I really didn't get into it, and I faded it a little."

After the three guys hit their drives and their second shots, the blonde took out an eight iron and lofted the ball within five feet of the hole. (She was closest to the pin.)

The son said, "Darn, lady, you played that perfectly." The blonde frowned and said, "It was a little weak, but even an easy seven would have been too much club. I've left a tricky little putt." She then tapped in the five-footer for a birdie. Having the honors, she drove first on the second hole, knocked the heck out of the ball, and it landed nearly 300 yards away smack in the middle of the fairway.
For the rest of the round the statuesque blonde continued to amaze the guys, quietly and methodically shooting for par or less on every hole.
When they arrived at the 18th green, the blonde was three under par, and had a very nasty 12-foot putt on an undulating green for a par.

She turned to the three guys and said, "I really want to thank you all for not acting like a bunch of chauvinists and telling me what club to use or how to play a shot, but I need this putt for a 69 and I'd really like to break 70 on this course.

If any one of you can tell me how to make par on this hole I'll take him back to my apartment, pour some 35-year-old Single Malt Strath Mill Scotch in him, fix him a steak dinner and then show him a very good time the rest of the night."

The yuppie son jumped at the thought! He strolled across the green, carefully eyeing the line of the putt and finally said, "Honey, aim about 6 inches to the right of the hole and hit it firm. It will get over that little hump and break right into the cup."

The father knelt down and sighted the putt using his putter as a plumb. "Don't listen to the kid, darlin', you want to hit it softly 10 inches to the right and let it run left down that little hogback, so it falls into the cup."

The old gray-haired grandfather walked over to the blonde's ball, picked it up and handed it to her and said, "That's a gimme, sweetheart."

That joke never gets old...

[pogo]

Bad luck 'porker'...

Backing up into an electric fence will really put a curl in your tail.

[pinstripers]

Backing up into an electric fence will really put a curl in your tail.

As an old farm kid, I can tell you those fellas have a curl up front as well. I assume that is where the term "screw" originated.

[WstateU]

[img]https://i.pinimg.com/736x/59/08/8e/59088ee905415e16ac902e8ba0fbb471--so-funny-funny-****.jpg[/img]

[shock]

https://streamable.com/1objr