Humor

[WstateU]

A guy receives an ad in the mail for a golf resort where everything costs
one dollar. He jumps at the offer and heads off for a weekend of fun in the
sun.

He arrives and plays a round of golf. It cost him a buck. When he goes for
dinner that evening, it costs him another buck. His room is only a buck a
day!

The day before he's to check out, he heads out to play a last round and
stops by the pro shop and charges a sleeve of three balls to his room.

When he's checking out next morning, he looks at the bill and sees:

Golf: $1.00 Dinner: $1.00 Room: $1.00. Sleeve of golf balls: $3,000.00

He asks the Manager, "What is this all about? Everything is supposed to cost
one dollar, and you charged me three thousand for three golf balls?"

"I'm sorry, sir, said the manager, but you didn't read the fine print in our
promotional brochure. That's what our golf balls cost."

"Well, said the man, If I wanted to spend that kind of money, I could've
gone to that luxury hotel across the street and paid them a thousand dollars
a day for a room. At least I would've known what I was paying for!"

"That's right, sir, you could have, said the manager. Over there they get
you by the room. Over here we get you by the balls!"

[pinstripers]

A woman walks into a shop that sells expensive Persian Rugs.

Looking around, she spots the perfect rug, walks over and inspects it. As she bends to feel the texture of the rug she farts loudly.
Very embarrassed she looks around nervously to see if anyone has noticed her 'little accident' and hopes a sales person does not pop up right now.

As she turns back, there standing next to her is a salesman. "Good day Ma'am, how may we help you today?"

Very uncomfortably she asks, "How much does this rug cost?"

He answers, "Lady if you farted just touching it, you're gonna **** your pants when you hear what the price is."

[WstateU]

The room was full of pregnant women with their husbands.

The instructor said, "Ladies, remember that exercise is good for you.
Walking is especially beneficial - strengthens the pelvic muscles and will make delivery that much easier.
Just pace yourself, make plenty of stops and try to stay on a soft surfaces, like a grass path."
"Gentlemen, remember -- you're in this together. It wouldn't hurt you to go walking with her. In fact, that shared experience would be good for you both."

The room suddenly became very quiet as the men absorbed this information. After a few moments a man, name unknown, at the back of the room, slowly raised his hand.

"Yes?" said the Instructor.

"I was just wondering if it would be all right, if she carries a golf bag?"

Brings a tear to your eye, doesn't it?

(THIS LEVEL OF SENSITIVITY CAN'T BE TAUGHT)

[im4wsu]

A man and his ever-nagging wife went on vacation in Jerusalem. The woman kept
complaining about every little detail and making the trip unbearable.




But a few days before their vacation ended, a tragic accident ended the woman’s
life. The undertaker told the husband, “You can have her buried here in the
Holy Land for $150 or we can have her shipped back home for $5,000.”




The husband thought about it for a few seconds, then told the undertaker he would
have her shipped back home.




“Why would you spend $5,000 to have her shipped home when you could have a
beautiful burial here in Jerusalem, and it would only cost $150?!” the
undertaker asked, taken aback.



The husband replied, “Long ago, a man died here, was buried here, and three days
later, rose from the dead. I just can’t take that chance!”

[WstateU]

The Parrot

A woman went to a pet shop & immediately spotted a large, beautiful parrot. There was a sign on the cage that said $50.00.

'Why so little,' she asked the pet store owner.

The owner looked at her and said, 'Look, I should tell you first that this bird used to live in a house of Prostitution and sometimes it says some pretty vulgar stuff.'

The woman thought about this, but decided she had to have the
bird any way.

She took it home and hung the bird's cage up in her living room
and waited for it to say something. The bird looked around the room, then at her, and said, 'New house, new madam.'

The woman was a bit shocked at the implication, but then thought 'that's really not so bad.'

When her 2 teenage daughters returned from school the bird saw and said, 'New house, new madam, new girls .'

The girls and the woman were a bit offended, but then began to laugh about the situation considering how and where the parrot
had been raised.

Moments later, the woman's husband Keith came home from work.
The bird looked at him and said:

'Hi Keith'

The Funeral is in the Morning!

[WstateU]

A Delicate Corporate Matter

All of the ten senior members of the Board of Directors of the company were called into the chairman's office one at a time until only Bob, the most junior member was left sitting outside.

Finally it was Bob's turn to be summoned. He entered the office to find the chairman and the ten other directors seated around a table. He was invited to join them, which he did. As soon as he had sat down the chairman turned to Bob looking him squarely in the eye, and with a stern voice, asked, “Have you ever had sex with Mrs. Foyt, my secretary?”

“Oh, no Sir, positively not!” Bob replied.

“Are you absolutely sure?” asked the chairman.

“Honest, I’ve never been close enough to even touch her!”

"You’d swear to that?"

"Yes, I swear I’ve never had sex with Mrs. Foyt anytime, anywhere."

"Good, then you fire her!".

[pinstripers]

One Sunday morning, the pastor noticed little Joey*standing in the foyer*of the church staring up at a large plaque.

It was covered with names and had a small American flags mounted on both*sides of it.

The six-year old had been staring at the plaque for some time,*so the pastor walked up, stood beside the little boy, and said quietly, “Good morning, Joey.”

“Good morning Pastor,” he replied, still focused on the plaque. “Pastor, what is this? “

The pastor said, “Well son, it’s a memorial to all the young men and women who died in the service.”

Soberly, they just stood together, staring at the large plaque.

*Finally, little Joey’s*voice, barely audible and trembling with fear asked, “Which service, the 8:30 or the 10:30?”

[im4wsu]

A married couple is traveling to visit family by car. Being seniors, after almost eleven hours on the road, they were too tired to continue and decided to get a room. They only planned to sleep for four hours and then get back on the road.
When they checked out four hours later, the desk clerk handed them a bill for $350.00. The man explodes and demands to know why the charge is so high. He told the clerk although it’s a nice hotel the rooms certainly aren’t worth $350.00 for four hours. Then the clerk tells him that $350.00 is the ‘standard rate’. He insisted on speaking to the Manager.
The Manager appears, listens to him, and then explains that the hotel has an Olympic-sized pool and a huge conference center that were available for us to use.
“But we didn’t use them” the husband said.
“Well, they are here, and you could have,” explained the Manager. The Manager went on to explain that the couple could also have taken in one of the shows for which the hotel is famous. “We have the best entertainers from New York, Hollywood , and Las Vegas perform here,” the Manager says.
“But we didn’t go to any of those shows” the husband said.
“Well, we have them, and you could have.” the Manager replied.
No matter what amenity the Manager mentioned, the husband replied, “But we didn’t use it!” The Manager is unmoved, and eventually the husband gave up and agreed to pay.
As he didn’t have the check book, he asked his wife to write the check. She did and gave it to the Manager. The Manager is surprised when he looks at the check. “But ma’am, this is made out for only $50.00.”
“That’s correct. I charged you $300.00 for sleeping with me,” she replied. “But I didn’t ” exclaims the Manager. “Well, too bad, I was here, and you could have.”
Don’t mess with senior citizens…They didn’t get that age by being stupid!

[WstateU]

Navy Cooks

An admiral visited one of the ships of the line under his command.

While eating breakfast with the crew he was impressed to see the Naval insignia stamped on every biscuit.

He went to the Chief cook to ask how this feat was done, so it could be used on other ships under his command.

The Chief replied, "I’d be glad to share that with you, Admiral. After each biscuit is cut, I just slap it here against my belt buckle which bears the Navy insignia.

Horrified the Admiral exclaims, "That's very unhygienic!"

The Chief shrugs and replies, "Well, If that’s the way you feel, sir, I suggest you avoid the donuts."

[WstateU]

[pinstripers]

A teacher speaks to his straight-F pupil, “With grades like this you’ll never achieve anything in your life. You’ll end up a loser.”

Fast forward 20 years later. Retired teacher is deathly ill, only a very risky and expensive surgery can save him. It happens that the best surgeon in the country knows the old man and aggrees to save him for free.

After surgery, when teacher wakes up, the grown-up straight-F student comes into the recovery room. He unplugs the life support and plugs in his vacuum cleaner.

[im4wsu]

[pogo]

We have all heard the expression "Even a blind squirrel finds an acorn once in awhile". Played golf with a man this past weekend and he had a really nice approach shot and I complimented him to which he replied '"THE BLIND SQUIRREL GOT FED TODAY". Never heard it expressed in that way and I just wanted to pass it on<

[pinstripers]

A father texts his son:
"My Dear Son,
Today is a day you will treasure for all the days of your life.
My best love and good wishes.
Your Father."

His Son texts back:

"Thanks Dad. But the wedding isn't actually until tomorrow!"

His Father replies:
"I know."

[WstateU]

A father texts his son:
"My Dear Son,
Today is a day you will treasure for all the days of your life.
My best love and good wishes.
Your Father."

His Son texts back:

"Thanks Dad. But the wedding isn't actually until tomorrow!"

His Father replies:
"I know."

Probably posted elsewhere...

A woman awakens in the middle of the night to find her husband not in bed. She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him. She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of hot cocoa in front of him. He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall. She watches as he wipes away a tear from his eye. "What's the matter, dear?" she whispers as she steps into the room.... "Why are you down here at this time of night!?" The husband looks up from his drink, "It's the 20th Anniversary of the day we met." She can't believe he has remembered and starts to tear up. The husband continues, "Do you remember 20 years ago when we started dating? I was 18 and you were only 15," he said solemnly. Once again, the wife is touched to tears thinking that her husband is so caring and sensitive. "Yes, I do" she replies. The husband pauses....... The words were not coming easily. "Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car?" "Yes, I remember" said the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him. The husband continued. "Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my face and said, Either you marry my daughter or I will make sure you spend the next 20 years in prison?" "I remember that, too" she replied softly... He sighed as he wiped another tear away from his cheek and said, "I would have gotten out today."