Humor

[Aargh]

A Wall Street guy got tired of the rat race and moved to Montana and got himself a sheep ranch.

The first winter was brutal. Below zero temperatures and absolute isolation, but he was solid in his resolve to make it and survive in that environment.

In May the snow was thawing and his phone finally rang.

the caller said that every year when winter broke, he invited all his neighbors over for one hell of a party. The new guy said that sounded great and asked what went on at these parties.

The caller said that you know how these things go. There will be a lot of drinking and sooner or later there'll be some fighting and there's generally some fu**ing.

The new guy said that sounded great and asked how many people were usually at these parties.

The caller replied, "Oh, it'll just be the two of us".

[WstateU]

[pinstripers]

Saul Wallerstein was at the country club for his weekly round of golf. He began his round with an eagle on the first hole and a birdie on the second.

On the third hole he had just scored his first ever hole-in-one when his cell phone rang... It was a doctor notifying him that his wife had just been in a accident and was in critical condition and in ICU.

The man told the doctor to inform his wife where he was and that he'd be there as soon as possible. As he hung up he realized he was leaving what was shaping up to be his best ever round of golf. He decided to get in a couple of more holes before heading to the hospital. He ended up playing all eighteen, finishing his round shooting a personal best 61, shattering the club record by five strokes and beating his previous best game by more than 10. He was jubilant....

Then he remembered his wife. Feeling guilty he dashed to the hospital. He saw the doctor in the corridor and asked about his wife's condition.

The doctor glared at him and shouted, "You went ahead and finished your round of golf didn't you! I hope you're proud of yourself!"

“While you were out for the past four hours enjoying yourself at the country club, your wife has been languishing in the ICU! It's just as well you went ahead and finished that round because it will be more than likely your last! For the rest of her life she will require round the clock care and you will be her care giver! She will need IV's; you will have to change her colostomy bag every 3 hours; she will have to be spoon fed 3 times a day and don't forget the hygiene care.”

The man broke down and sobbed.

The doctor chuckled and said, "I'm just screwing with you.
She's dead."

[Kung Wu]

[WuDrWu]

OMG THAT IS SPECTACULAR! More of this content, please.

[pinstripers]

Mrs. Goldberg and Mrs. O'Malley were next door neighbors and best friends. They had lived next to each other for over 40 years. When their husbands were still alive, the two couples often went out to eat together, or to a movie, or just got together to visit and play cards.

Time marches on, however, and Mrs. Goldberg eventually sold the house and moved into the "Jewish Home for the Aged." She and Mrs. O'Malley still spoke on the phone every other day. They were like sisters.

About a year later, Mrs. O'Malley, having grown lonely without her friend, sold her home and moved into the "Holy Mother of Saints Retirement Villa."

Both eventually adapted to their new surroundings, and they still phoned one another every other day.

One day, Mrs. Goldberg said excitedly, "Dear, I've met someone. His name is Mr. Kloppman, and after supper we go back to my room and sit on the bed and hold hands. Sometimes we hug a little and we sing Yiddish folk songs together."

Mrs. O'Malley replied, "Oh I am so happy for you. I also, have me someone. His name is Mr. McKenna, and after supper, we go back to my room and sit on the bed and hold hands. Sometimes we hug a little, and since we don't know any Yiddish folk songs to sing, we screw."

[WstateU]

[pinstripers]

A Russian is strolling down the street in Moscow and kicks a bottle laying in the street. Suddenly out of the bottle comes a genie. The Russian is stunned and the Genie says, "Hello Master, I will grant you one wish, anything that you want."

The Russian begins thinking, "Well I really like drinking vodka." Finally the Russian says, "I wish to drink vodka whenever I want, so make me piss vodka."

The Genie grants him his wish. When the Russian gets home he gets a glass out of the cupboard and pisses into it. He looks at the glass and it's clear. Looks like vodka. Then he smells the liquid. Smells like vodka. So he takes a test and it is the best vodka that he has ever tasted. The Russian yells to his wife, "Natasha, Natasha, come quickly." She comes running down the hall and the Russian takes another glass out of the cupboard and pisses into it. He tells her to drink, that it is vodka. Natasha is reluctant but goes ahead and takes a sip. It is the best vodka that she has ever tasted. The two drink and party all night.

The next night the Russian comes home from work and tells his wife to get two glasses out of the cupboard. He proceeds to piss in the two glasses. The result is the same, the vodka is excellent and the couple drink until the sun comes up. Finally, Friday night comes and the Russian tells his wife to grab one glass from the cupboard and we will drink vodka. She gets the glass but asks him "Boris, why do we only need one glass?" Boris raises the glass and says, "Because tonight my love, you drink from the bottle."

[pogo]

A tried and proven method to determine whether your wife or your dog likes you the most. Lock both in the trunk of your car and let them out an hour later and see who is happiest to see you.

[pogo]

It's never to late to start exercising...thats why I'm holding out for later.

[Rize Ballz]

Girl winks at the bartender and asks, "Is it true hot chicks don't pay for their drinks here?"


Bartender: "Yes, that's been our policy for years! Here's your bill."

[WstateU]

An elderly man rear-ended a guy driving an expensive European sports car. Enraged, the guy hops out and confronts the old man. He yells,
"Look what you did to my car! You're going to give me $10,000 right now or I'm going to beat you to a pulp!"
"Oh my…" the old man said nervously. "I don't have that kind of money. Let me call my son.” he said with hope. “He trains dolphins and he will know what to do."
"Dolphins!" the other driver huffed, while rolling his eyes.
The old man pulled out his phone, dialed his son, and just as his son answered, the irate man snatched the phone away from the old man.
"So, YOU'RE a dolphin trainer, huh?” The irate man yelled, “Well, your old man here just rear-ended my car and I need TEN GRAND right now, or I'm going to beat you AND your old man to a pulp!"
"I'll be there in 10 minutes." says the voice calmly on the other end.
Exactly 10 minutes later, a Jeep pulls up and a guy hops out and proceeds to pulverize the bully, leaving him in a heap on the side of the road. When he finished, he walked over to his father and said,
"For the last time dad, I train Seals… Navy Seals. NOT dolphins!”

[WstateU]

I can relate…

[pinstripers]

[Rize Ballz]

A 17 year old male walks into a drug store


He says "I've been invited to Christmas dinner at my new girlfriend's house. Afterwards I hope there is a chance I get lucky, you know what I mean"

Clerk: "How about condoms then? They could come in handy. Here's a pack." The young man after paying walks to the door, stops, smiles, comes back: "you know what, the mom is also smoking hot, I think I'll take another pack, just in case I get extra lucky."

Christmas eve comes around, the boy sits at the dinner table and doesn't say a word. After a while his girlfriend says: "if I had known you were so quiet, I wouldn't have invited you." the young man replies "if you had told me your dad works at a drug store, I wouldn't have come."