Humor

[WstateU]

[WstateU]

[WstateU]

[WstateU]

After nearly 50 years of marriage, a couple was lying in bed one evening, when the wife felt her husband, begin to massage her in ways he hadn't in quite some time.
It almost tickled as his fingers started at her neck, and then began moving down past the small of her back. He then caressed her shoulders and neck, slowly worked his hand down, stopping just over her stomach.
He then proceeded to place his hand on her left inner arm, working down her side, passing gently over her buttock and down her leg to her calf. Then, he proceeded up her thigh, stopping just at the uppermost portion of her leg. He continued in the same manner on her right side, then suddenly stopped, rolled over and became silent.
As she had become quite aroused by this caressing, and proceeded to ask in a loving voice,
‘Honey that was wonderful. Why did you stop?'
He responded: 'I found the remote.'...

[pinstripers]

Two women happened to be sitting next to one another at a lunch counter.

One was a voluptuous secretary, about 26, and drop dead gorgeous.

The other was a prim and proper spinster, nearing 60, with her hair up in a bun and her eyeglasses way down on her nose.

The young secretary finishes her ham and cheese sandwich, pushes her plate away, and lights up a cigarette.

The older lady looks at her, disgusted, and whispers (intentionally loud enough for her to hear) "Harrump! I would rather commit adultery than smoke a cigarette!"

The secretary leans back on her stool and retorts, "so would I, honey, (and blows a smoke ring in the air) but I only get twenty minutes for lunch."

[WstateU]

[WstateU]

[WstateU]

Well, last week was my birthday. My wife didn't wish me a happy birthday. My parents forgot and so did my kids.

I went to work and even my colleagues didn't wish me a happy birthday. As I entered my office, my secretary said, "Happy birthday, boss!' I felt so special. She asked me out for lunch.

After lunch, she invited me to her apartment. We went there and she said, "Do you mind if I go into the bedroom for a minute?" "Okay," I said. She came out 5 minutes later with a birthday cake, my wife, my parents, my kids, my friends, & my colleagues all yelling, "SURPRISE!!!" while I was waiting on the sofa... naked

[WstateU]

[WstateU]

Might be a repeat, but I'm not going to search...


One day a Scotsman, who has been stranded on a desert island for over ten long years, sees an unusual speck on the horizon.

"It's certainly not a ship," he thinks to himself.

As the speck gets closer and closer, he begins to rule out the possibilities of a small boat, then even a raft.

Suddenly, emerging from the surf is a drop-dead gorgeous blonde woman wearing a wet suit, and scuba gear.

She approaches the stunned man and says to him, "Tell me how long it’s been since you've had a cigarette?"

"Ten years," replies the Scotsman.

With that, she reaches over and unzips a waterproof pocket on her left sleeve, and pulls out a pack of fresh cigarettes.

He takes one, lights it, takes a long drag and says, “Och - that is so good!"

"And, how long has it been since you've had a sip of good scotch?" she asks him.

Trembling, the castaway replies, "Ten years."

She reaches over, unzips her right sleeve, pulls out a flask and hands it to him.

He opens the flask, takes a long swig and says, "Tis absolutely fantastic!"

At this point, she starts slowly unzipping the long zipper that runs down the front of her wet suit, looks at the man and asks, "And how long has it been since you've played around?"

With tears in his eyes, the man falls to his knees, and sobs,
"Oh my goodness, don't tell me you've got golf clubs in there too!"

[pinstripers]

President Biden went to the bank to cash a check and he didn't have his ID. And the teller said you've got to prove who you are.

He said, "How should I do that?" She said the other day Phil Mickelson came in, he didn't have his ID but he set up a little cup on the ground, took a golf ball, putted it right into that cup so they knew it was Phil Mickelson. They cashed his check.

And then Andre Agassi came in. And Andre Agassi didn't have his ID either. He put a little target on the wall, took a tennis ball and racquet – hit it onto that target time. We knew that was Andre Agassi so we cashed his check.

And she said to him, "Is there anything you can do to prove who you are?" And Joe said, "I don't have a clue."

And she said, "Well, that's good enough, Mr. President, do you want your money in small bills or large bills."

[Eric]

Not a joke per se, but actually heard on the Wichita police scanner last night: “Need an officer at (don’t remember the address). The caller reports a couple having “relations” in the alley. The male suspect has a red shirt, and the female suspect has big feet.”

[WstateU]

[WstateU]

[pinstripers]

Why Some Men Have a Dog And No Wife:

1. The later you are, the more excited your dogs are to see you.
2. Dogs don't notice if you call them by another dog's name.
3. Dogs like it if you leave a lot of things on the floor.
4. A dog's parents never visit.
5. Dogs agree that you have to raise your voice to get your point across.
6. Dogs find you amusing when you're drunk.
7. Dogs like to go hunting and fishing.
8. A dog will not wake you up at night to ask, "If I died, would you get another dog?"
9. If a dog has babies, you can put an ad in the paper and give them away.
10.. A dog will let you put a studded collar on it without calling you a pervert.
11.. If a dog smells another dog on you, they don't get mad. They just think it's interesting.

And last... but not least:
12. If a dog leaves, it won't take half of your stuff.