Humor

[WstateU]

[WstateU]

[pinstripers]

A man met a beautiful lady and decided he wanted to marry her right away…
She said, “But we don’t know anything about each other”…
He said, “That’s all right, we’ll learn about each other as we go along”…
So she consented, they were married, and off they went on a honeymoon at a very nice resort…
One morning they were lying by the pool, when he got up off of his towel, climbed up to the 10 metreboard and did a two and a half tuck, followed by three rotations in the pike position, at which point he straightened out and cut the water like a knife…
After a few more demonstrations, he came back and lay down on the towel…
She said, “That was incredible!”…
He said, “I used to be an Olympic diving champion. You see, I told you we’d learn more about each other as we went along”…So she got up, jumped in the pool and started doing lengths…
After seventy-five lengths she climbed out of the pool, lay down on her towel and was hardly out of breath…
He said, “That was incredible! Were you an Olympic endurance swimmer?”…
“No”, she said, “I was a prostitute in Cincinnati, but I had to work both sides of the river”…

[WstateU]

[WstateU]

[WstateU]

[WstateU]

[WstateU]

[pinstripers]

A man wakes up in the hospital bandaged from head to foot.

The doctor comes in and says, "Ah, I see you've regained consciousness. Now, you probably won't remember, but you were in a huge pile-up on the freeway. You're going to be okay, you'll walk again and everything; however, your penis was severed in the accident and we couldn't find it."

The man groans, but the doctor goes on.

"You have $9000 in insurance compensation coming and we now have the technology to build a new penis. They work great but they don't come cheap. It's roughly $1000 an inch."

The man perks up.

So, the doctor says, "You must decide how many inches you want. But understand that you have been married for over thirty years
and this is something you should discuss with your wife. If you had a five incher before and get a nine incher now she might be a bit put out.
If you had a nine incher before and you decide to only invest in a five incher now, she might be disappointed. It's important that she plays a role in helping you make a decision."

The man agrees to talk it over with his wife.

The doctor comes back the next day, "So, have you spoken with your wife?"

"Yes I have," says the man.

“And has she helped you make a decision?”

"Yes," says the man.

"What is your decision?" asks the doctor.

“We're getting granite counter tops.”

[WstateU]

[pinstripers]

An artist is commissioned to create a painting celebrating the Obama administration, to be called “Obama in Chicago.”

When the painting is unveiled in Washington, there is a gasp from the invited guests. The painting depicts Michelle Obama naked in bed with Attorney General Eric Holder.

“But this is a travesty! Where is Obama?” Asks one of the guests.

“Well, Obama is in Chicago,” replies the painter.

[Kung Wu]

[shoxlax]

A man and his wife and his mother in law went on vacation to the Holy Land.


While they were there, the mother in law passed away.

The undertaker told them you can have her shipped home for $5000 or you can bury her here in the Holy Land for $150.00.

The man thought about it, told him he'd just have her shipped home. The undertaker asked why would you spend $5000 to ship your mother in law home when it would be wonderful to have her buried here and spend only $150.00?

The man replied. A man died here 2000 years ago. He was buried here. Three days later he rose from the dead.

I just can't take that chance.

[shoxlax]

Two men were out golfing

The women in front of them are really taking their time and are slowing the men up.

So one man says to his friend, "I'm gonna go ask those ladies if we can play through."

He starts walking, but about halfway there, he turns around. When he gets back, his friend asks what happened.

He replies, "One of those women is my wife, and the other is my mistress. Why don't you go talk to them?"

So the second man starts to walk over. He gets halfway there and turns around.

When he gets back, his friend asks, "Now what happened?"

The man replies, "Small world."

[shoxlax]

After the honeymoon, the new wife told her husband, “I think it’s time for you to stop playing golf. In fact, you might as well sell all of your clubs.”

The husband replied, “You’re starting to sound like my ex-wife.”

His wife looked at him crossly and said, “I thought you said you’ve never been married before?”

The husband responded simply, “I haven’t.”