Humor

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It's a slow night in the pub, with only two patrons sitting at the bar.
One, a rumpled and gruff older man slowly sipping on his Jack and Coke. The other, a woman of approximately the same vintage, sitting in front of an empty glass, staring off into space.

Eventually, the old gentleman says to the bartender, "hey tell that old douchebag down at the end of the bar that I'd like to buy her a drink."

The bartender relays this information to the lady and she retorts," I heard the old bastard! Called me a douchebag! I don't need him and I don't need his drink."

The place goes silent. About 5 minutes later the old fella repeats his message to the bartender, "Tell that old douschebag down at the end of the bar that I'd like to buy her a drink."

Bartender strolls down to the far end of the bar, only to be rebuffed loudly once again by the lady. "He's callin me a douchbag and he wants to buy me a drink? Screw him!"

The bartender leans over and whispers in her ear, "hey just take the drink. I'll have somethin to sell, he'll quit naggin me, and you'll have somethin to drink, and the bar will be a happier place. Whaddaya say?"

The old lady thinks it over a finally nods OK.

“That's super" says the bartender, "what'll you have?”

The old gal whispers, "Gimme a vinegar and water."

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Careful, fishing season is upon us.

I did this ONCE...

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Jay Leno went into the audience to find the most embarrassing first date that a woman ever had. The winner described her worst first date experience. There was absolutely no question as to why her tale took the prize!
She said it was midwinter, snowing and quite cold... and the guy had taken her skiing in the mountains outside Salt Lake City, Utah. It was a day trip (no overnight).
They were strangers, after all, and had never met before. The outing was fun but relatively uneventful until they were headed home late that afternoon. They were driving back down the mountain when she gradually began to realize that she should not have had that extra latte !!
They were about an hour away from anywhere with a restroom and in the middle of nowhere! Her companion suggested she try to hold it, which she did for a while.
Unfortunately, because of the heavy snow and slow going, there came a point where she told him that he had better stop and let her go beside the road, or it would be the front seat of his car.
They stopped and she quickly crawled out beside the car, yanked her pants down and started. In the deep snow she didn't have good footing, so she let her butt rest against the rear fender to steady herself.
Her companion stood on the side of the car watching for traffic and indeed was a real gentleman and refrained from peeking. All she could think about was the relief she felt despite the rather embarrassing nature of the situation.
Upon finishing, however, she soon became aware of another sensation. As she bent to pull up her pants, the young lady discovered her buttocks were firmly glued against the car's fender.
Thoughts of tongues frozen to poles immediately came to mind as she attempted to disengage her flesh from the icy metal. It was quickly apparent that she had a brand new problem, due to the extreme cold.
Horrified by her plight and yet aware of the humor of the moment, she answered her date's concerns about' what is taking so long' with a reply that indeed, she was 'freezing her butt off' and in need of some assistance!
He came around the car as she tried to cover herself with her sweater and then, as she looked imploringly into his eyes, he burst out laughing. She too got the giggles and when they finally managed to compose themselves, they assessed her dilemma. Obviously, as hysterical as the situation was, they also were faced with a real problem.
Both agreed it would take something hot to free her chilly cheeks from the grip of the icy metal! Thinking about what had gotten her into the predicament in the first place, both quickly realized that there was only one way to get her free. So, as she looked the other way, her first-time date proceeded to unzip his pants and pee her butt off the fender.
As the audience screamed in laughter, she took the Tonight Show prize hands down. Or perhaps that should be 'pants down'. And you thought your first date was embarrassing.
Jay Leno's comment..... 'This gives a whole new meaning to being pissed off.'
Oh, and how did the first date turn out? He became her husband and was sitting next to her on the Leno show.
If you laughed at this pass it on. Remember, if you haven't got a smile on your face and laughter in your heart, then you are just a sour old fart or tart.

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Follow up…

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