Humor

[Gramary]

I've just invented a "dad joke"

-How to refer correctly to a grandmother whose name is Mary?


-Grammary

[WstateU]

The Reverend Jameson Bush was the pastor of a small congregation in a quiet Missouri town.

One Saturday he was walking down Main Street and he happened to notice a female member of his congregation sitting in the town bar, drinking beer.

The reverend thought this was sinful and not something a member of his congregation should do, so he walked through the open door of the bar and sat down next to the woman.

"Mrs. Fitzgerald," the reverend said sternly.

"This is no place for a member of my congregation.

Why don't you let me take you home?" "Sure," she said with a slur, obviously very drunk.

When Mrs. Fitzgerald stood up from the bar, she began to weave back and forth.

The reverend realized that she had had too much to drink and he grabbed hold of her arms to steady her.

When he did, they both lost their balance and tumbled to the floor.

After rolling around for a few seconds, the reverend wound up lying on top of Mrs. Fitzgerald, her skirt hiked up to her waist.

The bartender looked over the bar and said, "Here, here, buddy, we won't have any of that carrying on in this bar."

The reverend looked up at the bartender and said, "But you don't understand, I'm Pastor Bush."

The bartender nodded, "Well, heck, if you're in that far, you might as well finish the job."

[WstateU]

Indian Want Coffee

An Indian walks into a cafe with a shotgun in one hand
and pulling a male buffalo with the other. He says to the waiter:
"Me want coffee."

The waiter says, "Sure Chief. Coming right up."
He gets the Indian a tall mug of coffee.....
The Indian drinks the coffee down in one gulp, turns and blasts
the buffalo with the shotgun, causing parts of the animal to splatter
everywhere and then just walks out......

The next morning the Indian returns. He has his shotgun in one hand,
pulling another male buffalo with the other. He walks up to the counter
and says to the waiter:
"Me want coffee."

The waiter says, "Whoa, Tonto! We're still cleaning up your
mess from yesterday. What was all that about, anyway?"

The Indian smiles and proudly says,
"Training for position in United States Congress. Come in, drink coffee,
shoot the bull, leave mess for others to clean up. Disappear for rest of
day."

[WstateU]

An Exceptionally Good Catholic Joke

The Pope and Hillary are on the same stage in Yankee Stadium in front of a huge crowd. The Pope leans towards Hillary and said, "Do you know that with one little wave of my hand I can make every person in this crowd go wild with joy? This joy will not be a momentary display, but will go deep into their hearts and they'll forever speak of this day and rejoice!"

Hillary replied, "I seriously doubt that! With one little wave of your hand....Show me!"

So the Pope backhanded her and knocked her off the stage!

AND THE CROWD ROARED & CHEERED WILDLY and there was happiness throughout the land!

[WstateU]

[pinstripers]

A man wakes up in the hospital bandaged from head to foot.

The doctor comes in and says, "Ah, I see you've regained consciousness.

Now, you probably won't remember, but you were in a huge pile-up on the freeway.

You're going to be okay, you'll walk again and everything; however,

your penis was severed in the accident and we couldn't find it."

The man groans, but the doctor goes on.

"You have $9000 in insurance compensation coming and we now have the technology

to build a new penis. They work great but they don't come cheap. It's roughly $1000 an inch."

The man perks up.

So, the doctor says, "You must decide how many inches you want.

But understand that you have been married for over thirty years

and this is something you should discuss with your wife. If you had a

five incher before and get a nine incher now she might be a bit put out.

If you had a nine incher before and you decide to only invest in a five

incher now, she might be disappointed.

It's important that she plays a role in helping you make a decision."

The man agrees to talk it over with his wife.

The doctor comes back the next day, "So, have you spoken with your wife?"

"Yes I have," says the man.

"And has she helped you make a decision?"

"Yes," says the man.

"What is your decision?" asks the doctor.

"We're getting granite counter tops."

[WstateU]

[WstateU]

Blond man joke...

"A woman phoned her blond neighbor man and said: "Close your curtains the next time you & your wife are having sex.
The whole street was watching and laughing at you yesterday."
To which the blond man replied: "Well the joke's on all of
you because I wasn't even at home yesterday.”"

[pinstripers]

Back before I dropped out of community college, I knew twin sisters (from Larned, iirc). I always thought that it was odd that Lisa was always some much more self-confident and assertive and self assured than her sister Hogface

[im4wsu]

https://www.facebook.com/photo.php?fbid=461425600704383&set=a.114080118772268.16254.100005108413661&type=3

[Eric]

An Exceptionally Good Catholic Joke

The Pope and Hillary are on the same stage in Yankee Stadium in front of a huge crowd. The Pope leans towards Hillary and said, "Do you know that with one little wave of my hand I can make every person in this crowd go wild with joy? This joy will not be a momentary display, but will go deep into their hearts and they'll forever speak of this day and rejoice!"

Hillary replied, "I seriously doubt that! With one little wave of your hand....Show me!"

So the Pope backhanded her and knocked her off the stage!

AND THE CROWD ROARED & CHEERED WILDLY and there was happiness throughout the land!

This picture was taken by myself two days ago. image.jpg

[WstateU]

Why folks DO NOT ATTEND High School Reunions

Jan, Sue and Mary haven't seen each other since High School.
They rediscover each other on a reunion website and arrange to meet for lunch in a wine bar.

Jan arrives first, wearing beige Versace. She orders a bottle of Pinot Grigio.
Sue arrives shortly afterward, in gray Chanel. After the required ritualized kisses, she joins Jan in a glass of wine.
Then Mary walks in, wearing a faded old tee-shirt, blue jeans and boots. She too, shares the wine.

Jan explains that after leaving high school and graduating from Princeton in Classics, she met and married Timothy,
with whom she has a beautiful daughter. Timothy is a partner in one of New York 's leading law firms.
They live in a 4000 sq. ft. co-op on Fifth Avenue , where Susanna, the daughter, attends drama school.
They have a second home in Phoenix .

Sue relates that she graduated from Harvard Med School and became a surgeon.
Her husband, Clive, is a leading Wall Street investment banker.
They live in Southampton on Long Island and have a second home in Naples , Florida .

Mary explains that she left school at 17 and ran off with her boyfriend, Ed.
They run a tropical bird park in Colorado and grow their own vegetables and marijuana.
Ed can stand five parrots, side by side, on his d**k.

Halfway down the third bottle of wine and several hours later, Jan blurts out that her husband is really a cashier at Walmart.
They live in a small apartment in Brooklyn and have a travel trailer parked at a nearby storage facility.

Sue , chastened and encouraged by Jan's honesty, explains that she and Clive are both nurses' aides in a retirement home.
They live in Jersey City and take vacation camping trips to Alabama .

Mary says the fifth parrot actually has to stand on one leg.

[WstateU]

ONLY IN AMERICA!!!

This morning I was sitting on a park bench next to a homeless man.
I started a conversation by asking him how he ended up this way.

He said, "Up until last week, I still had it all. I had plenty to eat, my clothes were washed and pressed, I had a roof over my head, I had TV and Internet, and I went to the gym, the pool, and the library. I was working on my MBA on-line. I had no bills, and no debt. I even had full medical, dental, & eye exam coverage."

I felt sorry for him, so I asked, "What happened? Drugs? Alcohol? Divorce?"

"Oh no, nothing like that," he said. "I just got out of prison."

[WstateU]

[60Shock]

Somewhat similar joke to WstateU's joke above, but only two women are involved who also meet and have lunch together, and started catching up with what each had done since high school.

Elizabeth - 'Well, Betty, I of course went to Vassar.
'Oh, isn't that nice (with the Memphis on NICE), 'Betty replied.

Elizabeth - 'And in my Junior year, I met Jack who came from a very wealthy family. We were married after graduation and took a two month Honeymoon around the world.
'Oh, isn't that nice, Betty replied.

Elizabeth - 'Jack had his law degree and went to work in his father's law firm.'

Betty - 'Oh, isn't that nice.'

Elizabeth - 'Jack eventually took over the law firm and of course we inherited everything after his parent's passed away. We travel all over the world in our private jet, and stay a month or more at our various homes throughout, Britain, the French Riviera, Paris, Switzerland, Italy, and naturally throughout the United States.'

Betty - 'Oh, isn't that nice.'

Elizabeth - 'Well, Betty, I've done all the talking. How about you?

Betty - 'Well, Elizabeth, I've done nothing near as exciting as you. After High School I went to a Finishing School.

Elizabeth - 'Oh! And just what did you learn at Finishing School?'

Betty - 'A very important lesson in life, Elizabeth. I learned to say, "Isn't that nice, instead of FU!'