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  • This should make you laugh.



    Tequila

    A man walks into a bar, notices a very large jar on the counter, and sees that it's filled to the brim with $10 bills. He guesses there must be at least ten thousand dollars in it.

    He approaches the bartender and asks, "What's with the money in the jar?"

    "Well..., you pay $10, and if you pass three tests, you get all the money in the jar and the keys to a brand new Lexus."

    The man certainly isn't going to pass this up, so he asks, "What are the three tests?"

    "You gotta pay first," says the bartender, "those are the rules."

    So, after thinking it over a while, the man gives the bartender $10 which he stuffs into the jar.

    "Okay," says the bartender, "here's what you need to do:

    “First - You have to drink a whole quart of tequila, in 60 seconds or less, and you can't make a face while doing it."

    "Second - There's a pit bull chained in the back with a bad tooth. You have to remove that tooth with your bare hands."

    "Third - There's a 90-year old lady upstairs who's never had sex. You have to take care of that problem.”

    The man is stunned!

    "I know I paid my $10 -- but I'm not an idiot! I won't do it! You'd have to be nuts to drink a quart of tequila and then do all those other things!"

    "Your call," says the bartender, "but, your money stays where it is."

    As time goes on, the man has a few more drinks and finally says, "Where's the damn tequila?!"

    He grabs the bottle with both hands and drinks it as fast as he can. Tears stream down both cheeks -- but he doesn't make a face -- and he drinks it in 58 seconds!


    Next, he staggers out the back door where he sees the pit bull chained to a pole.

    Soon, the people inside the bar hear loud growling, screaming, and sounds of a terrible fight -- then nothing but silence!

    Just when they think that the man surely must be dead, he staggers back into the bar. His clothes are ripped to shreds and he's bleeding from bites and gashes all over his body.

    He drunkenly says, "Now..., where's that old woman with the bad tooth?"
    "I not sure that I've ever been around a more competitive player or young man than Fred VanVleet. I like to win more than 99.9% of the people in this world, but he may top me." -- Gregg Marshall 12/23/13 :peaceful:
    ---------------------------------------
    Remember when Nancy Pelosi said about Obamacare:
    "We have to pass it, to find out what's in it".

    A physician called into a radio show and said:
    "That's the definition of a stool sample."

    Comment


    • Life's Demerit System for Men

      ...In the world of romance, one single rule applies:
      MAKE THE WOMAN HAPPY!

      Do something she likes, and you get points.
      Do something she dislikes, and points are subtracted.
      You don't get any points for doing something she expects.

      SIMPLE DUTIES
      You make the bed. (+1)
      You make the bed, but forget the decorative pillows. (-3)
      You throw the bedspread over rumpled sheets. (-5)
      You go out to buy her what she wants (+5) in the rain (+8)
      But return with beer. (-10)

      SOCIAL ENGAGEMENTS
      You stay by her side for the entire party. (+1)
      You stay by her side for a while, then leave to chat with an old school friend. (-2)
      Named Tina (-10)
      Tina is a dancer. (-20)
      Tina has breast implants. (-40)

      HER BIRTHDAY
      You take her out to dinner. (+2)
      You take her out to dinner, and it's not a sports bar. (+3)
      Okay, it's a sports bar. (-2)
      And its all-you-can-eat night. (-3)
      It's a sports bar, it's all-you-can-eat night, and your face is painted the colors of your favorite team. (-10)

      A NIGHT OUT
      You take her to a movie. (+1)
      You take her to a movie she likes. (+5)
      You take her to a movie you hate. (+6)
      You take her to a movie you like. (-2)
      It's called 'Death Cop.' (-5)
      You lied and said it was a foreign film about orphans. (-15)

      YOUR PHYSIQUE
      You develop a noticeable potbelly. (-15)
      You develop a noticeable potbelly and exercise to get rid of it (+10)
      You develop a noticeable potbelly and resort to baggy jeans and baggy Hawaiian shirts. (-30)
      You say to her, "It doesn't matter, you have one too." (-80)

      THE BIG QUESTION
      She asks, "Do I look fat?" (-5)
      (Yes, you lose points no matter what)
      You hesitate in responding. (-10)
      You reply, "Where?" (-35)
      You give any other response. (-40)

      COMMUNICATION
      When she wants to talk about a problem, you listen, displaying what looks like a concerned expression. (+2)
      You listen, for over 30 minutes (+50)
      You listen for more than 30 minutes without looking at the TV. (+500)
      She realizes this is because you have fallen asleep. (-4000)

      Send this on to all of the gentlemen you know to refresh them on the point system.
      "You Just Want to Slap The #### Outta Some People"

      Comment


      • There are three rules that I live by: never get less than twelve hours sleep; never play cards with a guy who has the same first name as a city; and never get involved with a woman with a tattoo of a dagger on her body. Now you stick to that, and everything else is cream cheese.

        Comment


        • Knock knock.
          There are three rules that I live by: never get less than twelve hours sleep; never play cards with a guy who has the same first name as a city; and never get involved with a woman with a tattoo of a dagger on her body. Now you stick to that, and everything else is cream cheese.

          Comment


          • Who's there?
            There are three rules that I live by: never get less than twelve hours sleep; never play cards with a guy who has the same first name as a city; and never get involved with a woman with a tattoo of a dagger on her body. Now you stick to that, and everything else is cream cheese.

            Comment


            • Matty P.
              There are three rules that I live by: never get less than twelve hours sleep; never play cards with a guy who has the same first name as a city; and never get involved with a woman with a tattoo of a dagger on her body. Now you stick to that, and everything else is cream cheese.

              Comment


              • > I would like to share a personal experience with my friends about drinking and driving. As you know, some of us have been known to have brushes with the authorities from time to time, often on the way home after a "social session" with family or friends.
                >
                > Well, two days ago, this happened to me. I was out for an evening with friends and had more than several beers followed by red wine and several single malt shots. Although relaxed, I still had the common sense to know I was slightly over the limit. That's when I did something I've never done before--I took a taxi home.
                >
                > Sure enough on the way there was a police roadblock, but since it was a taxi they waved it past and I arrived home safely without incident.
                >
                > This was a real surprise to me, because I had never driven a taxi before. I don't know where I got it, and now that it's in my garage I don't know what to do with it. So, anyway, if you want to borrow it give me a call.
                >
                > Happy New Year and be safe out there!!
                >

                Comment


                • Amazing Math Puzzle

                  Not sure how this works, but it sure does !!

                  Don't cheat, don't look ahead....just do it and you will be amazed....

                  This one will get you...

                  I like math tricks and this one really works and will only take you about ten seconds!!!

                  Amazing it really works to reveal my all-time favorite movie. I'm pretty good at math, so I did it in my head, then on paper, and finally on a calculator just to confirm my numerical capabilities. Each time I got the same answer, and sure enough it IS my very favorite movie EVER!

                  DO NOT cheat. DO YOUR math, THEN compare the results to the list of movies at the bottom. You will be AMAZED at how scary true and accurate this test is.

                  1. Pick a number from 1-9.
                  2. Multiply that number by 3.
                  3. Add 3.
                  4. Multiply by 3 again.
                  5.Your total will be a two-digit number. Add the first and second digits together to find your favorite movie (of all time) in the list of 17 movies below:










                  Movie List:
                  1. Gone With the Wind
                  2. E.T.
                  3. Blazing Saddles
                  4. Star Wars
                  5. Forrest Gump
                  6. The Good, the Bad, and the Ugly
                  7. Jaws
                  8. Grease
                  9. The Obama Farewell Speech
                  10. Casablanca
                  11. Jurassic Park
                  12. Shrek
                  13. Pirates of the Caribbean
                  14. Titanic
                  15. Raiders of the Lost Ark
                  16. Home Alone
                  17. Mrs. Doubtfire

                  Now, isn't that something??
                  "You Just Want to Slap The #### Outta Some People"

                  Comment


                  • Entertainment in the frozen north; turn up your sound for the play-by-play.

                    "You Just Want to Slap The #### Outta Some People"

                    Comment


                    • The Redneck & The Gorilla:

                      A small zoo in Georgia obtained a very rare species of gorilla. Within a few weeks the gorilla, a female, became very difficult to handle.

                      Upon examination, the zoo's veterinarian determined the problem. The gorilla was in heat. To make matters worse, the zoo had no male gorillas available.

                      Thinking about their problem, the zookeeper thought of Bobby Lee Walton, a redneck part-time worker responsible for cleaning the animal cages. Bobby Lee, like most rednecks, had little sense but he possessed ample ability to satisfy a female of any species.

                      The zookeeper thought they might have a solution, and they approached Bobby Lee with a proposition; Would he be willing to mate with the gorilla for $500?

                      Bobby Lee showed some interest, but said he would have to think the matter over carefully.

                      The following day, he announced that he would accept their offer, but only under five conditions:

                      "First", Bobby Lee said, "I ain't gonna kiss her on the lips."
                      The keeper quickly agreed to this condition.

                      "Second", he said, "She must wear a 'Dale Earnhardt Forever' T-Shirt."
                      The keeper again readily agreed to this condition.

                      "Third", he said, "You can't never tell nobody about this."
                      The keeper again readily agreed to this condition.

                      "Fourth", Bobby Lee said, "I want all the children raised Southern Baptist."
                      Once again it was agreed.

                      And last, Bobby Lee said, "I'm gonna need another week to come up with the $500."
                      "You Just Want to Slap The #### Outta Some People"

                      Comment


                      • A store that sells new husbands has opened in New York City , where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates:

                        You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the value of the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights. The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!

                        So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first floor the sign on the door reads:

                        Floor 1 - These men Have Jobs

                        She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where the sign reads:

                        Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids.

                        'That's nice,' she thinks, 'but I want more.'

                        So she continues upward. The third floor sign reads:

                        Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Extremely Good Looking.

                        'Wow,' she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going..

                        She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads:

                        Floor 4 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help With Housework.

                        'Oh, mercy me!' she exclaims, 'I can hardly stand it!'

                        Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads:

                        Floor 5 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help with Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak..

                        She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor, where the sign reads:

                        Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.

                        PLEASE NOTE:

                        To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opened a New Wives store just across the street.
                        The first floor has wives that love sex.

                        The second floor has wives that love sex and have money and like beer.

                        The third, fourth, fifth and sixth floors have never been visited.
                        Its a good landing if you can walk away, its a great landing if the plane can be reused the next day.

                        Comment


                        • Originally posted by WheatShock View Post
                          A store that sells new husbands has opened in New York City , where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates:

                          You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the value of the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights. The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!

                          So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first floor the sign on the door reads:

                          Floor 1 - These men Have Jobs

                          She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where the sign reads:

                          Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids.

                          'That's nice,' she thinks, 'but I want more.'

                          So she continues upward. The third floor sign reads:

                          Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Extremely Good Looking.

                          'Wow,' she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going..

                          She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads:

                          Floor 4 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help With Housework.

                          'Oh, mercy me!' she exclaims, 'I can hardly stand it!'

                          Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads:

                          Floor 5 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help with Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak..

                          She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor, where the sign reads:

                          Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.

                          PLEASE NOTE:

                          To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opened a New Wives store just across the street.
                          The first floor has wives that love sex.

                          The second floor has wives that love sex and have money and like beer.

                          The third, fourth, fifth and sixth floors have never been visited.
                          This brought tears to my eyes and I want to know where this store is located please.

                          Comment


                          • Male Logic

                            Wife : Do you drink beer?
                            Husband : Yes

                            Wife : How many beers a day?
                            Husband : Usually about three

                            Wife : How much do you pay per beer?
                            Husband : $5.00 which includes a tip

                            Wife : And how long have you been drinking?
                            Husband : About 20 years, I suppose

                            Wife : So a beer costs $5 and you have three beers a day which puts your spending each month at $450. In one year, it would be approximately $5400 - correct?
                            Husband : Correct

                            Wife : If in 1 year you spend $5400, not accounting for inflation, the past 20 years puts your spending at $108,000 correct?
                            Husband : Correct

                            Wife : Do you know that if you didn’t drink so much beer, that money could have been put in a step-up interest savings account and after accounting for compound interest for the past 20 years, you could have now bought an airplane?

                            Husband: Do you drink beer?
                            Wife : No.
                            Husband : Where is your airplane?
                            Its a good landing if you can walk away, its a great landing if the plane can be reused the next day.

                            Comment


                            • A wife asks her husband, "Could you please go shopping for me and buy one carton of milk and if they have avocados, get 6.

                              A short time later the husband comes back with 6 cartons of milk.

                              The wife asks him, "Why did you buy 6 cartons of milk?"

                              He replied, "They had avocados."

                              If you're a woman, I'm sure you're going back to read it again!

                              Men will get it the first time.


                              ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------


                              THIS IS A FRIGHTENING STATISTIC , PROBABLY ONE OF THE MOST WORRISOME IN RECENT YEARS.

                              25% of the women in this country are on medication for mental illness.

                              That's scary. It means 75% are running around untreated... :)
                              "You Just Want to Slap The #### Outta Some People"

                              Comment


                              • A routine police patrol was parked outside a bar one night.

                                After last call, the officer noticed a man leaving the bar so apparently intoxicated that he could barely walk. The man stumbled around the parking lot for a few minutes, with the officer quietly observing.
                                After what seemed an eternity, in which he tried his keys on five different vehicles, the man managed to find his car and fall into it. He sat there for a few minutes as a number of other patrons left the bar and drove off.

                                Finally he started the car; switched the wipers on and off, despite it being a fine, dry summer night; flicked the blinkers on and off a couple of times, honked the horn and then switched on the lights. He moved the vehicle forward a few inches, reversed a little, and then remained still for a few more minutes as some more of the other patrons’ vehicles left.

                                At last, when his was the only car left in the parking lot, he pulled out and drove slowly down the road. The police officer, having waited patiently all this time, now started up his patrol car, put on the flashing lights, and promptly pulled the man over and administered a breathalyzer test.

                                To his amazement, the breathalyzer indicated no evidence that the man had consumed any alcohol at all! Dumbfounded, the officer said, “I’ll have to ask you to accompany me to the police station. This breathalyzer equipment must be broken.”

                                “I doubt it,” responded the truly proud man. “Tonight I’m the designated decoy.”
                                Its a good landing if you can walk away, its a great landing if the plane can be reused the next day.

                                Comment

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