Humor

[pinstripers]

At a travel agency in Bangkok, I asked the pretty Thai girl
behind the counter if she could escort me on a city tour
and asked her for her mobile number so I could call her
to make arrangements.

She gave me a big smile, nodded her head and said,
"Sex sex sex, wan free sex for two night".

I replied, "Wow, you Thai women are really hospitable!

A guy standing next to me overheard, tapped me on the
shoulder and said, "What she really said was: 666136429.

[Eric]

[im4wsu]

I couldn't help but overhear two guys in their mid-twenties while sitting at the bar last night.














One of the guys says to his buddy: "Man you look tired."





His buddy says, "Man I'm exhausted.





My girlfriend and I have sex all the time.





She's after me 3 and 4 times a day, I just don't know what to do."





A fellow about my age 70+), sitting a couple of stools down, also overheard the conversation.




















He looked over at the two young men and with the wisdom of years says:





"Marry her. That'll put a stop to that ****."

[Kung Wu]

Wichita State vs Illinois State, February 4, 2017.

[pinstripers]

It's a slow night in the pub, with only two patrons sitting at the bar.

One, a rumpled and gruff older man slowly sipping on his Jack and Coke. The other, a woman of approximately the same vintage, sitting in front of an empty glass, staring off into space.

Eventually, the old gentleman says to the bartender, "hey tell that old douchebag down at the end of the bar that I'd like to buy her a drink."

The bartender relays this information to the lady and she retorts," I heard the old bastard! Called me a douchebag! I don't need him and I don't need his drink."

The place goes silent. About 5 minutes later the old fella repeats his message to the bartender, "Tell that old douschebag down at the end of the bar that I'd like to buy her a drink."

Bartender strolls down to the far end of the bar, only to be rebuffed loudly once again by the lady. "He's callin me a douchbag and he wants to buy me a drink? Screw him!

The bartender leans over and whispers in her ear, "hey just take the drink. I'll have somethin to sell, he'll quit naggin me, and you'll have somethin to drink, and the bar will be a happier place. Whaddaya say?"

The old lady thinks it over a finally nods OK.

"That's super" says the bartender, "what'll you have?"

The old gal whispers, "Gimme a vinegar and water."

[im4wsu]

The sexual Activity Of Senior Males (Too good not to pass up sending)



The frequency of sexual activity of senior males depends on where they were born.
Statistics just released from Statistics Canada and The United Nations B.O.H. Team, revealing that:
North American, Australian, New Zealanders and British men between 60 and 80
years of age, will on average, have sex two to three times per week, (and a
small number a lot more), whereas Japanese men, in exactly the same age
group, will have sex only once or twice per year if they are lucky.
This has come as very upsetting news to a lot of us at
the golf club, as none of us had any idea that we were Japanese.

[pinstripers]

A woman meets a man in a bar.
They talk; they connect; they end up leaving together.
They get back to his place,
And as he shows her around his apartment, she notices that one wall of his bedroom is completely filled with soft, sweet, cuddly teddy bears.
There are three shelves in the bedroom, with hundreds and hundreds of cute, cuddly teddy bears carefully placed in rows, covering the entire wall!
It was obvious that he had taken quite some time to lovingly arrange them, and she was immediately touched by the amount of thought he had put into organizing the display.
There were small bears all along the bottom shelf.
Medium-sized bears covering the length of the middle shelf.
And huge, enormous bears running all the way along the top shelf.
She found it strange for an obviously masculine guy to have such a large collection of Teddy Bears, but is quite impressed by his sensitive side.
However, she doesn't mention this to him.
They share a bottle of wine and continue talking and, after a while, she finds herself thinking, 'Oh my God! Maybe, this guy could be the one! Maybe he could be the future father of my children?'
She turns to him and kisses him lightly on the lips.
He responds warmly.
They continue to kiss, the passion builds, and he romantically lifts her in his arms and carries her into his bedroom, where they rip off each other's clothes and make hot, steamy love.
She is so overwhelmed that she responds with more passion, more creativity, more heat than she has ever known.
After an intense, explosive night of raw passion with this sensitive guy, they are lying there together in the afterglow.
The woman rolls over, gently strokes his chest, and asks coyly: 'Well, how was it?'
The guy gently smiles at her, strokes her cheek, looks deeply into her eyes, and says:
'Help yourself to any prize from the middle shelf.'

[im4wsu]

A man walks out to the street and catches a taxi just going by. He gets into the taxi, and the cabbie says, "Perfect timing. You’re just like Frank."

Passenger: “Who?"

Cabbie: "Frank Feldman. He’s a guy who did everything right all the time. Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happened like that to Frank Feldman every single time."

Passenger: "There are always a few clouds over everybody."

Cabbie: "Not Frank Feldman. He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the Grand-Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star and you should have heard him play the piano. He was an amazing guy."

Passenger: "Sounds like he was really something special."

Cabbie: "There’s more. He had a memory like a computer. He remembered everybody’s birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order and which fork to eat them with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out. But Frank Feldman could do everything right."

Passenger: "Wow, what a guy!"

Cabbie: ‘He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams. Not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them. But Frank, he never made a mistake, and he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good. He would never answer her back even if she was in the wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too. He was the perfect man! He never made a mistake. No one could ever measure up to Frank Feldman."

Passenger: "How did you meet him?"

Cabbie: “I never actually met Frank. He died and I married his wife."

[WstateU]

While the priest was presenting a children's sermon before the whole
congregation. He asked the children if they knew what the Resurrection was.

Now, asking questions during children's sermons is crucial, but at the same
time, asking children questions in front of a congregation can also be very
dangerous.

In response to the question, a little boy raised his hand.

The priest called on him and the boy said, "I know that if you have a
resurrection that lasts more than four hours you are supposed to call
the doctor."

It took ten minutes for the congregation to settle down enough for the
service to continue.

[WheatShock]

A young woman had a flat tire on the interstate.

She eased her car over to the shoulder of the road carefully, got out of the car and opened the trunk.

She took out two cardboard women, unfolded them and stood them at the rear of her car facing oncoming traffic. They looked so lifelike you wouldn’t believe it! They were in trench coats exposing their nude bodies to the approaching drivers.

As she expected, cars started slowing down looking at her lifelike ladies. And of course, traffic started backing up. Everybody was tooting horns and waving like crazy.

It wasn’t long before a state trooper pulled up behind her. He got out of his car and started walking toward her. He was definitely not happy.

“What’s going on here?” he asked.

“My car has a flat tire,” the woman said calmly.

“Well, what the hell are those obscene cardboard women doing here by the road?”

The lady looked flabbergasted that he didn’t know.

“Hellooooo, those are my emergency flashers!”

[WstateU]

A widowed Jewish lady, still in good shape, was sunbathing on a deserted beach in Boca Raton, Florida. She looked up and noticed that a man her age, also in good shape, had walked up, placed his blanket on the sand near hers and began reading a book. Smiling, she attempted to strike up a conversation with him.

"How are you today?"

"Fine, thank you," he responded, and turned back to his book.

"I love the beach. Do you come here often?" she asked.

"First time since my wife passed away 2 years ago," he replied and turned back to his book.

"I'm sorry to hear that. My husband passed away three years ago and it is very lonely, she countered. "Do you live around here?" She asked.

"Yes, I live over in Coral Springs" he answered, and again he resumed reading.

Trying to find a topic of common interest, she persisted, "Do you like pu**y cats?"

With that, the man dropped his book, came over to her blanket, tore off her swimsuit and gave her the most passionate lovemaking of her life.

When the cloud of sand began to settle, she gasped and asked the man, "How did you know that was what I wanted??"

The man replied. "How did you know my name was Katz?"

[pinstripers]

Went out to the Bruch place to check springers and found #118 laying down, facing north, having her calf. Hell, it's so damn windy she ended up having the same baby 3 times............

[pinstripers]

I was a very happy man; my wonderful girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, so we decided to get married.
There was only one little thing bothering me. It was her beautiful younger sister, Lucia.

My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very tight miniskirts, and generally was bra-less.

She would regularly bend down when she was near me. I always got more than a nice view.

It had to be deliberate. She never did it around anyone else.

One day she called me and asked me to come over. 'To check my Sister's wedding- invitations,' she said.

She was alone when I arrived. She whispered to me that she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome any longer. She told me that she wanted me just once before I got married.

She said "Before you commit your life to my sister." Well, I was in total shock, and I couldn't say a word.
She said, "I'm going upstairs to my bedroom" she said. "If you want one last wild fling, just come up and have me."

I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs.

I stood there for a moment. Then turned and made a bee-line straight to the front door. I opened the door, and headed straight towards my car.

Lo and behold, her entire family was standing outside and they were all clapping !

With tears in his eyes, my future father-in-law hugged me. He said, 'Sergio, we are very happy that you have passed our little test. We couldn't ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family, my son.'

And the moral of this story is: always keep your condoms in your car.

[im4wsu]

'Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose girl.'

The priest asks, 'Is that you, little Dominic Savino?'

'Yes, Father, it is.'

'And who was the girl you were with?'

'I can't tell you, Father. I don't want to ruin her reputation.'

"Well, Dominic, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later so
you may as well tell me now. Was it Tina Minetti?'

'I cannot say.'

'Was it Teresa Mazzarelli?'

'I'll never tell.'

'Was it Nina Capelli?'

'I'm sorry, but I cannot name her.'

'Was it Cathy Piriano?'

'My lips are sealed.'

'Was it Rosa DiAngelo, then?'

'Please, Father, I cannot tell you.'

The priest sighs in frustration. 'You're very tight lipped, and I admire that.
But you've sinned and have to atone. You cannot be an altar boy for 4 months.
Now you go and behave yourself.'

Joey walks back to his pew, and his friend Franco slides over and whispers, 'What'd you get?'

'Four months-vacation and five good leads.'

[WstateU]

Looks like someone could use some Monkey Butt Powder…