Humor

[pinstripers]

This morning I lucked out and was able to buy two boxes of ammo.

I placed the boxes on the front seat and headed back home, but stopped at a gas station where a drop-dead gorgeous blonde in a short skirt was filling up her car at the next pump.

She glanced at the two boxes of ammo, bent over and leaned in my passenger window, and said in a sexy voice, "I'm a big believer in barter, old fella. Would you be interested in trading sex for ammo?"

I thought for a few seconds and then asked,
“What kind of ammo 'ya got?”

[WstateU]

Senior Center Joke!

It was entertainment night at the senior citizens' center. After the community sing-along led by Alice at the piano, it was time for the star of the show - Claude the Hypnotist!
Claude explained that he was going to put the whole audience into a trance. "Yes, each and every one of you and all at the same time," said Claude.
The excited chatter dropped to silence as Claude carefully withdrew from waistcoat pocket; a beautiful antique gold pocket watch and chain. "I want you to keep your eyes on this watch," said Claude, holding the watch high for all to see. "It is a very special and valuable watch that has been in my family for 6 generations," said Claude. He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting "Watch the watch --- Watch the watch ---- Watch the watch" The audience became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth. The lights were twinkling as they were reflected from its gleaming surface. A hundred and fifty pairs of eyes followed the movements of the gently swaying watch. They were hypnotized.
And then, suddenly, the chain broke!!!
The beautiful watch fell to the stage and burst apart on impact!
"****!" said Claude.
It took them three days to clean the Senior Citizens' Center - and Claude was never invited back again.

[pinstripers]

A man and a woman meet in an elevator. “Where are you heading today?” the man asks.
“I’m going up to the 3rd floor to give blood.”
“How much do you get paid for giving blood?”
“About $20.”
“Wow,” says the man, “I’m going up to the sperm bank on the 5th floor to donate, and they pay $100.”
The woman frowns angrily gets off the elevator on floor number 3.
The next day, the man and woman meet in the elevator again.
“Fancy meeting you again. Where you off to today?”
“MMNULMUNLL,” she says, and presses number 5..

[WstateU]

So, there's this yellow toad wandering around in the forest...

Kind of pissed off because he doesn't want to be yellow. Life would be easier if he was brown or green like the other toads. He'd sure be less visible to predators for one thing.

Any way ... this yellow toad bumps into a Fairy Godmother, like you do, and he begs her; "Fairy Godmother please make me green like the other toads. I am tired of being so visible to predators and such."

The Fairy Godmother whips out her magic wand and says "Abracapokus! You're green."

The toad looks down and sees that he is green except for his package, which is still yellow.

He says to the Fairy Godmother "Wait a minute; my meat & two veg are still yellow."

To this the Fairy Godmother said, "I don't do willies, go and see the Wizard Of Oz for that.

The toad thanks her and hops off on his way.

There also happens to be a purple bear wandering around in the very same forest, must be one of them enchanted forests and he encounters the very same Fairy Godmother.

He implores her; "Fairy Godmother, please make me brown like the other bears. None of the lady bears want to be seen with me on account of the hunters can spot me from a mile off."

She being a nice Fairy Godmother, takes out her magic wand and says, "You're brown."

The bear looks down and sees that he is, in fact, brown with the exception of the old twig and berries, they remain purple.

He says, "What about my wedding tackle, they're still purple!

She says, "I don't do genitals, you will have to see the Wizard of Oz for that."

To this the bear replies, "Well that's just dandy but how do I find the Wizard of Oz?"

The Fairy Godmother answers; "That's easy, just follow the yellow pric* toad."

[WuTheOne]

Massage Parlors: An entire industry based on the fact that some guys are too lazy for DIY projects.

[pinstripers]

Every morning, the CEO of a large bank in Manhattan walks to the corner for a shoe shine. He sits in an armchair, examines the Wall Street Journal and the shoe shiner buffs his shoes to a mirror shine. One morning the shoe shiner asks the CEO: "What do you think about the situation in the stock market?"

The man answered arrogantly, "Why are you so interested in that topic?"

The shoe guy replies, "I have millions in your bank," he says, "and I'm considering investing some of the money in the capital market."

"What’s your name? " asked the executive.

John H. Smith was the reply.

The CEO arrives at the bank and asks the Manager of the Customer Department “Do we have a client named John H. Smith?"

"Certainly" answers the Customer Service Manager, " he is a high-net-worth customer with 12.6 million dollars in his account."

The executive comes out, approaches the shoe shiner, and says, "Mr. Smith, I would like to invite you next Monday to be the guest of honor at our board meeting and tell us the story of your life. I am sure we could learn something from your life's experience."

At the board meeting, the CEO introduces him to the board members. "We all know Mr. Smith, from the corner shoeshine stand, but Mr. Smith is also an esteemed customer. I invited him here to tell us the story of his life and I am sure we can learn from him."

Mr. Smith began his story:
"I came to this country fifty years ago as a young immigrant from Europe with an unpronounceable name. I got off the ship without a penny and the first thing I did was change my name to Smith. I was hungry and exhausted. I started wandering around looking for a job but to no avail. Fortunately, I found a coin on the sidewalk. I bought an apple. I had two options, eat the apple and quench my hunger or start a business. I sold the apple for 25 cents and bought two apples with the money. I also sold them and continued in business. When I started accumulating a few dollars, I was able to buy a set of used brushes and shoe polish and started polishing shoes. I didn't spend a penny on entertainment or clothing, I just bought bread and some cheese to survive. I saved penny by penny and after a while, I bought a new set of shoe brushes and polishes in different shades and expanded my clientele. I lived like a monk and saved penny by penny. After a while, I was able to buy an armchair so my clients could sit comfortably while I shined their shoes, and that brought me more clients. I did not spend a penny on the joys of life. I kept saving every cent. A few years ago, when the previous shoe shiner on the corner decided to retire, I had already saved enough money to buy his shoeshine location at this great place. Finally, last summer, my sister, who was a prostitute in Chicago, passed away and left me 12.6 million dollars."

[pinstripers]

“The pastor asked if anyone in the congregation would like to express praise for an answered prayer. Suzie stood and walked to the podium.

She said, "I have some praise. Two months ago, my husband, Frank, had a terrible bicycle accident and his scrotum was completely crushed. The pain was excruciating and the doctors didn’t know if they could help him.”

You could hear a muffled gasp from the men in the congregation as they imagined the pain that poor Frank must have experienced.

“Frank was unable to hold me or the children,” she went on, “and every move caused him terrible pain.”

We prayed as the doctors performed a delicate operation, and it turned out they were able to piece together the crushed remnants of Frank’s scrotum, and wrap wire around it to hold it in place with metal staples.”

Again, the men in the congregation cringed and squirmed uncomfortably as they imagined the horrible surgery performed on
Frank.

”Now,” she announced in a quivering voice, “Thank the Lord, Frank is out of the hospital and the doctors say that with time, his scrotum should recover completely.”

All the men sighed with unified relief. The pastor rose and tentatively asked if anyone else had something to say.

A man stood up and walked slowly to the podium. He said, “I’m Frank.” The entire congregation held its breath. “I just want to tell my wife that the word is sternum.”

[pinstripers]

A bakery owner hires a young female shop assistant who liked to wear very short skirts.
One day a young man enters the store, glances at the shop assistant and at the loaves of bread behind the counter.
Noticing her short skirt and the location of the raisin bread, he has a brilliant idea.
“I’d like some raisin bread please,” the man says.
The shop assistant nods and climbs up a ladder to reach the raisin bread located on the very top shelf.
The man standing almost directly beneath her is provided with an excellent view, just as he thought.
When she descends the ladder, he decides that he had better get two loaves.
As the shop assistant retrieves the second loaf of bread, one of the other male customers notices what’s going on and requests his own loaf of raisin bread.
After many trips she is tired and irritated and begins to wonder, “why the unusual interest in the raisin bread?”
Atop the ladder one more time, she looks down and glares at the men standing below. Then, she notices an elderly man standing amongst the crowd.
Thinking that she can save herself another trip, she yells at the elderly man, “Is it raisin for you too?”
“No,” stammers the old man, “but it’s quivering a little..”

[pinstripers]

A nun decides before she dies she wants to have sex, so she asks a woman for advice, the woman tells her she wants to find a man that is well endowed.
The nun says how will I know if a man is well endowed just by looking at him?
The woman tells the nun you can tell by the shoe size.
Therefore the nun searches the city to find the man with the biggest shoes in town.
Once she finds him she tells him she wants to lose her virginity to him.
After they have sex the nun takes him home, reaches into her purse and gives the man $100.
The man says “wow I got to take your virginity and you will pay me..... the sex must’ve been amazing “
The nun tells the man “ No, the money is for you to buy some smaller shoes.............. that fit you!”

[im4wsu]

I was sitting at a long stoplight yesterday, minding my own business, patiently, waiting for it to turn green even though there was no on-coming traffic.


A carload of scruffy-bearded, young men shouting Anti-American slogans with a half-burned American Flag duct-taped on the trunk of their car and a "Remember George Floyd" slogan spray painted on the side stopped next to me. Suddenly, they yelled, "Defund the police" and took off before the light changed. Out of nowhere an 18-wheeler came speeding through the intersection and ran, directly, over their car, crushing it, completely,and killing everyone in it. For several minutes I sat in my car thinking to myself, "Man... that coulda been me!"

So today, bright and early, I went out and got a job as a truck driver.

[im4wsu]

A young Texan grew up wanting to be a lawman.

He grew up big, 6' 2", strong as a longhorn, and fast as a mustang. He could shoot a bottle cap tossed in the air at 40 paces




When he finally came of age, he applied to where he had dreamed of working: the West Texas Sheriff's Department.




After a series of tests and interviews, the Chief Deputy finally called him into his office for the young man's final interview.




The Chief Deputy said, "You're a big strong kid and you can really shoot. So far your qualifications all look good, but we have, what you might call, an "Attitude Suitability Test", that you must take before you can be accepted.




We don't let just anyone carry our badge, son."




Then, sliding a service pistol and a box of ammo across the desk, the Chief said, "Take this pistol and go out and shoot:




six illegal aliens,




six lawyers,




six meth dealers,




six Muslim extremists,




six Politicians,




and a rabbit."




"Why the rabbit?" queried the applicant.




"You pass," said the Chief Deputy. "When can you start?"

[WstateU]

[WstateU]

Back when late night was funny...

[MikeKennedyRulZ]

Back when late night was funny...

Absolute classic!! Today's comics need to study these guys.

[C0|dB|00ded]