Humor

[pinstripers]

Two men were having a drink together.
The talk turned to sex.
One said: “I must admit that I had sex with my wife before we got married. What about you?”
The other replied: “I don’t know. Yeah, maybe. She looks vaguely familiar..........."

[WuTheOne]

Back when late night was funny...

I came up with this as a tribute to Dangerfield when he passed.

I went into this fancy restaurant and ordered half a chicken.

The waiter suggested that I'd be much happier with the steak and lobster, or perhaps the chateau briand.

I told him I knew what he was trying to do. He was wanting me to order something high dollar so he'd get a big tip. Well, I wasn't going fall for that, and I stuck with my order.

Half an hour later he brought me two wings, a neck and a back. I said, "what's this? I ordered half a chicken." He said "Shut up and eat. You got the top half".

[MikeKennedyRulZ]

An Indian walks into a cafe with a shotgun in one hand and pulling a male buffalo with the other. He says to the waiter:
"Want coffee."
The waiter says, "Sure, Chief. Coming right up."
He gets the Indian a tall mug of coffee . . .
The Indian drinks the coffee down in one gulp, turns and blasts the buffalo with the shotgun, causing parts of the animal to splatter everywhere and then just walks out.
The next morning the Indian returns.
He has his shotgun in one hand, pulling another male buffalo with the other.
He walks up to the counter and says to the waiter:
"Want coffee."
The waiter says, "Whoa, Tonto!
We're still cleaning up your mess from yesterday. What was all that about, anyway?"
The Indian smiles and proudly says,
"Training for a position in United States Congress . . . Come in, drink coffee, shoot the bull, leave mess for others to clean up, disappear for rest of day."

[WstateU]

Who did it better?

[pinstripers]

"I have some good news and some bad news," says the surgeon. "The bad news is that I have to remove your right arm!"
"Oh God no!" cries the man "My golfing is over!
Please Doc, what's the good news?"
"The good news is, I have another one to replace it with, but it's a woman's arm and I'll need your permission before I go ahead with the transplant."
"Go for it doc," says the man, "as long as I can play golf again."
The operation went well and a year later the man was out on the golf course when he bumped into the surgeon.
"Hi, how's the new arm?" asks the surgeon. "Just great," says the businessman. "I'm playing the best golf of my life.
My new arm has a much finer touch and my putting has really improved." "That's great," said the surgeon.
"Not only that," continued the golfer, "my handwriting has improved, I've learned how to sew my own clothes and I've even taken up painting landscapes in watercolors."
"That's unbelievable!" said the surgeon, "I'm so glad to hear the transplant was such a great success.
Are you having any side effects?"
"Well, just two, said the golfer, "I have trouble parallel parking and every time I get an erection, I get a headache."

[pinstripers]

[1972Shocker]

Future Progressive Congress Woman no doubt:

[pinstripers]

Met the new UPS man yesterday.
Seemed like a nice guy.
I asked if he was from around here.
He told me that he was born in El Dorado, Ks, but was reared in Indiana; so I said, "Oh, so you are Catholic?"

[Kung Wu]

Future Progressive Congress Woman no doubt:

They will explain it away by saying that dog food choice is non-binary and this dog is 90% omnivore and 10% carnivore, and it was really going after the potato filler in the gross meat pile. ScIEnCe! :)

[MikeKennedyRulZ]

Future Progressive Congress Woman no doubt:

LOL!!!! Holy crap that is one of the funniest things I have seen in some time. #staywoke

[jdmee]

Anyone going to Su's party?

when-hashtags-go-bad-susanalbumparty-meme-576a13f3f67a7f33-174b21c66f11a38f.jpg

[C0|dB|00ded]

Future Progressive Congress Woman no doubt:

That was totally staged. Still funny though. Dog gonna dawg.

[WstateU]

[pinstripers]

After 40 years of marriage, a husband and wife came for counseling.
The wife went into a tirade, listing every problem they had ever had in the years they had been married. On and on and on, she went: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable, an entire laundry list of unmet needs she had endured.
Finally, the therapist got up, walked around the desk and after asking the wife to stand, he embraced and kissed her, long and passionately, put his hands all over her body as her husband watched - with a raised eyebrow.
The woman shut up, and quietly sat down as though in a daze.
The therapist turned to the husband and said, "This is what your wife needs at least 3 times a week. Can you do this?"
“Well, Doc," the husband replied," I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays I suppose, but on Fridays, I play golf.”

[WstateU]

C'mon aircraft engineers...


"The "whole garden, garden umbrellas, and him" were "covered" in poop, Davies explained. "It's absolutely dreadful," she said during the meeting."

A man was 'covered' in poop after a passing plane dumped toilet waste over his backyard, lawmaker says (msn.com)

Bonus scene...