Humor

[jdmee]

Sounds interesting. Although in fact in the world those who have their own position in the team always remain guilty. And they are often undesirable. Even if we talk about the election results and the deterioration of the situation - after all, when casting their votes, people cannot foresee what decisions the new government will make and what problems this will turn into for ordinary people.

I don't think you are quoting what you think you are quoting.

[pinstripers]

The young Navajo boy had spent most of his life in a quandry... He felt different yet... couldn't figure why... he was just so depressed.
He went to the Chief for answers... He asked the chief how his brother Red Deer Running had gotten his name.
The chief answered in his typically poetic way... "When Red Deer Running was born, at the moment of his birth, the first thing his mother saw was a beautiful deer running off into the forest... and so Running Deer was named. It is the custom of our tribe to name the offspring according to the spirits in nature visiting upon the birth."
Then, the boy said to the Chief... "And how did my sister "Thundering Bird" get her name?" The chief described again, how at the moment of her birth Thundering Bird's mother had heard a roar of thunder and looking up, saw a bird flying in the sky...
The boy asked again, how his cousin "White Crouching Bear" had been given such a name... And the chief, looking down once more at the boy, explaining the traditions of their tribe.... White Bear's mother had seen a rare white bear crouched over a stream at the moment her baby's birth.
Then he asked the boy... "Why do you ask, Two Dogs Fukking?"

[pinstripers]

What is the difference between a Prostitute, a Mistress, and a Wife?

The Prostitute says, “Are you finished yet? I've got a 10:30.”

The Mistress says, “Oh that was fun, can’t we do it again?”

The Wife says, “Beige… I think I’ll paint the ceiling Beige.”

[im4wsu]

TO BE SIX AGAIN. The husband asked his wife what she'd like for her birthday. "I'd love to be six again," she replied.
On the morning of her birthday, he woke up early, got up, made her a nice big bowl of Lucky Charms and then took her off to Disneyland. What a day!
They went on every ride in the park. The Matterhorn, Space Mountain, Splash Mountain, Pirates of the Caribbean, and the Haunted Mansion.
Five hours later she staggered out of the theme park. Her head was
reeling and her stomach felt upside down.
They drove to a McDonald's where her loving husband ordered her a
Happy Meal with extra fries and a refreshing chocolate shake. Then it was off to a movie to see the latest blockbuster, a hot-dog, popcorn, a soda pop, and her favorite candy, M&M's.
What a fabulous adventure! Finally she wobbled home with her
husband and collapsed into bed, exhausted. He leaned over his precious wife with a big smile and lovingly asked, "Well, dear, what was it like being six again?"
Her eyes slowly opened and her expression suddenly changed. "Is that what this crazy day was all about?
You idiot, I meant my dress size!"
The moral of the story: Even when a man is listening, he's still gonna get it wrong.

[im4wsu]

Brad lived in California and was a lifelong environmentalist. He was sick of the world; of Covid-19, Brexit, Russian belligerence, global warming, racial tensions, and the rest of the disturbing stories that occupy media headlines.

Brad drove his car into his garage and then sealed every doorway and window as best he could. He got back into his car and wound down all the windows, selected his favorite radio station, started the car and revved it to a slow idle.

Two days later, a worried neighbor peered through his garage window and saw him in the car. She notified the emergency services and they broke in, pulling Brad from the car.

A little sip of water and, surprisingly, he was in perfect condition, but his Tesla had a dead battery.

Brad is a registered California Democrat.

[im4wsu]

Florida Woman Stops Alligator Attack
Using a Small, .22 Caliber Ruger Pistol.

This is a story of self-control and marksmanship by a brave, cool-headed woman with a small pistol against a fierce predator.

Here's her story in her own words.

"While walking along the edge of a pond just outside my house in The Villages in Florida, discussing a property settlement with my soon-to-be ex-husband, and other divorce issues, we were surprised by a huge 12-ft alligator which suddenly emerged from the murky water.

It began charging us with its large jaws wide open.

She must have been protecting her nest because she was extremely aggressive.

If I had not had my little Ruger .22 caliber pistol with me, I would not be here today !

Just one shot to my estranged husband's knee cap was all it took.

The gator got him easily, and I was able to escape by just walking away at a brisk pace.

The amount I saved in lawyer's fees was really incredible, and his life insurance was also a big bonus !"

[pinstripers]

Jane was a first time contestant on the $65,000 quiz show. Lady luck had smiled in her favor, as Jane had gained a substantial lead over her opponents. She even managed to win the game but, unfortunately, time had run out before the show's host could ask her the big question.
Jane agreed to return the following day. Jane was nervous as her husband drove them home. "I've just gotta win tomorrow. I wish I knew what the answers are! You know I'm not going to sleep at all tonight. I will probably look like garbage tomorrow."
"Relax honey," her husband, Roger, reassured her, "It will all be OK." Ten minutes after they arrived home, Roger grabbed the car keys and started heading out the door.
"Where are you going?" Jane asked.
"I have a little errand to run. I should be back soon." After an agonizing 3 hour absence, Roger returned, sporting a very wide and wicked grin. "Honey, I managed to get tomorrow's question and answer!"
"What is it?" she cried excitedly.
"OK. The question is 'What are the three main parts of the male anatomy?' And the answer is 'The head, the heart, and the penis.' "
The couple went to sleep with Jane, now feeling at ease, plummeting into a deep slumber.
At 3:30 a.m., however, Jane was shaken awake by Roger, who was asking her the quiz show question. "The head, the heart, and the penis," Jane replied groggily before returning to sleep.
And Roger asked her again in the morning, this time as Jane was brushing her teeth. Once again, Jane replied correctly.
So it was that Jane was once again on the set of the quiz show. Even though she knew the question and answer, she could feel butterflies.
The cameras began running and the host, after reminding the audience of the previous days' events, faced Jane and asked the big question. "Jane, for $65,000, what are is the main parts of the male anatomy? You have 10 seconds."
"Hmm, uhm, the head?" she said nervously.
"Very good. Six seconds."
"Eh, uh, the heart?"
"Very good! Four seconds."
"I, uhh, ooooooohh, darn! My husband drilled it into me last night and I can't remember it this morning..."
"That's close enough!" said the game show host, "CONGRATULATIONS!!!"

[pinstripers]

A young Irish boy is stood crying at the side of the road. A man asks him What's wrong wid ya laddie? The boy says Me ma is dead . Oh bejaysus the man says Do you want me to call Father O' Riley for you ? The boy replies No tanks mister, sex is the last ting on my mind at the moment..........

[pinstripers]

Two Scottish nuns had just arrived to the US by boat when one said to the other, "I heard that the occupants of this country actually eat dogs."
"Odd," her companion replied, "But if we shall live in America, we might as well do as the Americans do."
Nodding emphatically, the mother superior pointed to a hot dog vendor and they both walked towards it. "Two dogs, please," said one.
The vendor was only too pleased to oblige and he wrapped both hot dogs in foil. Excited, the nuns hurried over to a bench and began to unwrap their 'dogs'.
The mother superior was first to open hers, stared at it for a moment, then leaned over to the other nun and whispered cautiously, "What part did you get"

[WstateU]

Two Scottish nuns had just arrived to the US by boat when one said to the other, "I heard that the occupants of this country actually eat dogs."
"Odd," her companion replied, "But if we shall live in America, we might as well do as the Americans do."
Nodding emphatically, the mother superior pointed to a hot dog vendor and they both walked towards it. "Two dogs, please," said one.
The vendor was only too pleased to oblige and he wrapped both hot dogs in foil. Excited, the nuns hurried over to a bench and began to unwrap their 'dogs'.
The mother superior was first to open hers, stared at it for a moment, then leaned over to the other nun and whispered cautiously, "What part did you get"

[jdmee]

It is with a heavy heart I have to let you all know my family is going through a tough time.


We just found out grandpa is addicted to Viagra. Grandma is taking it really hard.

[pinstripers]

A teacher asks her class
to use the word "contagious". Roland, the teacher's pet, gets up and says, "Last year I got the measles and my mum said it was contagious."

"Well done, Roland," says the teacher.

"Can anyone else try?"

Katie, a sweet little girl with pigtails, says, "My grandma says there's a bug going round, and it's contagious."

"Well done, Katie," says the teacher. "Anyone else?"

Little Irish Sean jumps up and says in a broad Dublin accent, "Our next door neighbour is painting her house with a two inch brush, and my dad says it will take the contagious."

[pinstripers]

Angela Merkel arrives at Passport Control at Paris airport.
"Nationality?" asks the immigration officer.
"German," she replies.
"Occupation?"
"No, just here for a few days."

[pinstripers]

A young cowboy walks into a seedy cafe in Prescott, AZ. He sits at the counter and notices an old cowboy with his arms folded staring blankly at a full bowl of chili.
After fifteen minutes of just sitting there staring at it, the young cowboy bravely asks the old cowpoke, "If you ain't gonna eat that, mind if I do?"

The older cowboy slowly turns his head toward the young wrangler and in his best cowboy manner says, "Nah, go ahead."

Eagerly, the young cowboy reaches over and slides the bowl over to his place and starts spooning it in with delight. He gets nearly down to the bottom and notices a dead mouse in the chili. The sight was shocking and he immediately pukes up the chili into the bowl.

The old cowboy quietly says, "Yep, that's as far as I got, too."

[pinstripers]

I went to Home Depot yesterday.

A guy walked up and asked, "Can I help you with anything?"

I said, "I'm looking to buy a table saw."

He said "Do you have a particular model in mind?"

I told him, "Well yeah, Kathy Ireland, but for now let's talk about a table saw."