Humor

[pinstripers]

The CEO of a major corporation hired a shapely new private secretary.

Things seemed to be going fairly well for the first week and then the CEO asked the secretary:

“Are you happy with the position?”

She relied, “Yes, except for the stapler that is pushing against my azz…”

[WstateU]

The CEO of a major corporation hired a shapely new private secretary.

Things seemed to be going fairly well for the first week and then the CEO asked the secretary:

“Are you happy with the position?”

She relied, “Yes, except for the stapler that is pushing against my azz…”

[pinstripers]

There is a man who has three girlfriends, but he does not know which one to marry. So he decides to give each one $5000 and see how each of them spends it.

The first one goes out and gets a total makeover with the money. She gets new clothes, a new hairdo, manicure, pedicure, the works, and tells the man, "I spent the money so I could look pretty for you because I love you so much."

The second one went out and bought new golf clubs, a CD player, a television, and a stereo and gives them to the man. She says, "I bought these gifts for you with the money because I love you so much."

The third one takes the $5000 and invests it in the stock market, doubles her investment, returns the $5000 to the man and reinvests the rest. She says, "I am investing the rest of the money for our future because I love you so much."

The man thought long and hard about how each of the women spent the money and decided to marry the one with the biggest boobs.

[pinstripers]

One day, a man walks into a whorehouse and says, ''Give me your most dangerous whore.''

The clerk says, ''She's in room 3A.''

The man goes to room 3A and sees a woman with a black leather suit, whips and chains.

The whore says she wants to have sex on the peak of the roof. The man quickly agrees.

They go to the roof and go at it for a while, and then they both fall off the roof, still ''together.''

They land on the sidewalk and die. A drunk man walks by, sees them together, and walks into the whorehouse.

The desk clerk says, ''Hey! I thought I told you never to come back here again! Get out, now!''

To this, the drunk replies, ''I just came in here to tell you that your sign fell down.''

[pinstripers]

A guy walks into a bar and sits down next to an extremely gorgeous woman.

The first thing he notices about her though, are her pants. They were skin-tight, high-waisted and had no obvious mechanism (zipper, buttons or velcro) for opening them.

After several minutes of puzzling over how she got the pants up over her hips, he finally worked up the nerve to ask her.

"Excuse me miss, but how on earth do you get into those pants?"

"Well," she replied, "you can start by buying me a drink."

[pinstripers]

Amos was preparing for the move to the nursing home. He was packing boxes, organizing, going through drawers and cabinets.

In the back of one particular drawer he found an old wrinkled claim check from "Sims Cobbler Shop." Try as he might, he could not recall leaving a pair of shoes there, years before, although he did recall the store.

Intrigued, Amos headed down to the cobbler shop to see if they were even open, let alone have an old pair of his shoes.
He found the place, walked in the door and was greeted by Mr. Sims, a man of his own age.
He explained his situation, and showed Mr. Sims the claim check, and the date on it.
"29 years ago!" exclaimed Mr. Sims. "That's fascinating! I wonder if these shoes are still here, let me go check in the back."
30 minutes later Mr. Sims emerged from the back of the shop, with a satisfied look on his face. "You won't believe it!" He exclaimed, beaming, "I found this very pair of shoes, 29 years later!"
*That's remarkable!" Amos agreed.
"It certainly is, and I can have them ready for you Thursday....."

[WstateU]

Amos was preparing for the move to the nursing home. He was packing boxes, organizing, going through drawers and cabinets.

In the back of one particular drawer he found an old wrinkled claim check from "Sims Cobbler Shop." Try as he might, he could not recall leaving a pair of shoes there, years before, although he did recall the store.

Intrigued, Amos headed down to the cobbler shop to see if they were even open, let alone have an old pair of his shoes.
He found the place, walked in the door and was greeted by Mr. Sims, a man of his own age.
He explained his situation, and showed Mr. Sims the claim check, and the date on it.
"29 years ago!" exclaimed Mr. Sims. "That's fascinating! I wonder if these shoes are still here, let me go check in the back."
30 minutes later Mr. Sims emerged from the back of the shop, with a satisfied look on his face. "You won't believe it!" He exclaimed, beaming, "I found this very pair of shoes, 29 years later!"
*That's remarkable!" Amos agreed.
"It certainly is, and I can have them ready for you Thursday....."

[pinstripers]

I recently asked my friend’s little girl what she wanted to be when she grows up. She said she wanted to be President some day.

Both of her parents, liberal Democrats, were standing there, so I asked her, ‘If you were President, what would be the first thing you would do?’

She replied, ‘I’d give food and houses to all the homeless people.’

Her parents beamed with pride.

‘Wow…what a worthy goal.’ I told her. ‘But you don’t have to wait until you’re President to do that. You can come over to my house and mow the lawn, pull weeds, and sweep my yard, and I’ll pay you $50. Then I’ll take you over to the grocery store where the homeless guy hangs out, and you can give him the $50 to use toward food and a new house.’

She thought that over for a few seconds, then she looked me straight in the eye and asked, ‘ Why doesn’t the homeless guy come over and do the work, and you can just pay him the $50?’

I said, ‘Welcome to the Republican Party.’

[WstateU]

Catholic Mass With Nancy Pelosi

Last Saturday afternoon in Washington, D.C., an aide to Nancy Pelosi visited the Bishop of the Catholic Cathedral.
He told the Cardinal that Nancy Pelosi would be attending Sunday's Mass and asked if the Cardinal would kindly point out Pelosi to the congregation
and say a few words that would include calling her a saint.

The Cardinal replied, "No. I don't really like the woman, and there are issues of conflict with the Catholic Church over most of Pelosi's views."

Pelosi's aide said, "Look, I'll write a check here and now for a donation of $100,000 if you'll just tell the congregation you see Pelosi as a saint."

The Cardinal thought about it and said, "Well, the Church can use the money, so I'll work your request into tomorrow's sermon."

As Pelosi's aide promised, Nancy appeared for the Sunday worship and seated herself prominently at the forward left side of the center aisle.
As promised, at the start of his sermon, the Cardinal pointed out that Ms. Pelosi was present.

The Cardinal went on to explain to the congregation, "While Ms. Pelosi's presence is probably an honor to some, the woman is not numbered among
my personal favorite personages. Some of her most egregious views are contrary to tenets of the Church, and she tends to flip-flop on many other issues.
Nancy Pelosi is a petty, self-absorbed hypocrite, a drunken thumb-sucker, and a nit-wit. Nancy Pelosi is also a serial liar, a cheat, and a thief. I must say,
Nancy Pelosi is the worst example of a Catholic I have ever personally witnessed. She married for money and is using her wealth to lie to the American people.
She also has a reputation for evading her Representative obligations both in Washington and in California. Just look at the streets in her district! Feces everywhere.
The woman is simply not to be trusted."

The Cardinal concluded. “But, when compared with Hillary Clinton, Ms. Pelosi is a saint."

[MelvinLoudermilk]

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[pinstripers]

A woman decided to have a face lift for her birthday.
She spent $5000 and felt really good about the results.

On her way home she stopped at a dress shop to look around.
As she was leaving, she said to the sales clerk, "I hope you don't mind me asking, but how old do you think I am?"
"About 35,"he replied.

"I'm actually 47," the woman said, feeling really happy.
After that she went into McDonald's for lunch and asked the order taker the same question.

He replied, "Oh, you look about 29."

"I am actually 47!" she said, feeling really good.

While standing at the bus stop she asked an old man the same question. He replied, "I am 85 years old and my eyesight is going. But when I was young there was a sure way of telling a woman's age. If I put my hand up your skirt I will be able to tell your exact age."

There was no one around, so the woman said, "What the hell?" and let him slip his hand up her skirt.

After feeling around for a while, the old man said, "OK, You are 47."

Stunned, the woman said, "That was brilliant! How did you do that?"

The old man replied, "I was behind you in line at McDonald's."

[WstateU]

[pinstripers]

An older couple, who were both widowed, had been going out with each other for a long time.

Urged on by their friends, they decided it was finally time to get married.

Before the wedding, they went out to dinner and had a long conversation regarding how their marriage might work.

They discussed finances, living arrangements, and so on.

Finally, the old gentleman decided it was time to broach the subject of their physical relationship.

"How do you feel about sex?" he asked, rather tentatively.

"I would like it infrequently ", she replied.

The old gentleman sat quietly for a moment, adjusted his glasses, then leaned over towards her and whispered, "Is that one word or two?"

[pinstripers]

Harry and his wife are having hard financial times, so they decide that she’ll become a hooker. She’s not quite sure what to do, so Harry says,



“Stand in front of that bar and pick up a guy. Tell him that you charge a hundred bucks. If you got a question, I’ll be parked around the corner.”



She’s standing there for 5 minutes when a guy pulls up and asks,



“How much?” She says,



“A hundred dollars.” He says,



“All I got is thirty”. She says,



“Hold on,” and runs back to Harry and asks,



“What can he get for thirty?”



“A hand job”, Harry reply.



She runs back and tells the guy all he gets for thirty dollar is a hand job.



He agrees. She gets in the car.



He unzips his pants, and out pops this HUGE... She stares at it for a minute, and then says,



“I’ll be right back.” She runs back to Harry, and asks,



“Can you loan this guy seventy bucks?”

[WstateU]

Harry and his wife are having hard financial times, so they decide that she’ll become a hooker. She’s not quite sure what to do, so Harry says,



“Stand in front of that bar and pick up a guy. Tell him that you charge a hundred bucks. If you got a question, I’ll be parked around the corner.”



She’s standing there for 5 minutes when a guy pulls up and asks,



“How much?” She says,



“A hundred dollars.” He says,



“All I got is thirty”. She says,



“Hold on,” and runs back to Harry and asks,



“What can he get for thirty?”



“A hand job”, Harry reply.



She runs back and tells the guy all he gets for thirty dollar is a hand job.



He agrees. She gets in the car.



He unzips his pants, and out pops this HUGE... She stares at it for a minute, and then says,



“I’ll be right back.” She runs back to Harry, and asks,



“Can you loan this guy seventy bucks?”