Humor

[pinstripers]

They are going to play golf at the business meeting.

The guy flies out there a day early. He's got all day in Japan so he decides he wants to get himself a geisha.

He goes to a house of ill repute and finds what he's looking for. He takes her in back and starts doing his thing. The girl starts going crazy. She starts yelling, "Machigatta ana! Machigatta ana!"

He thinks, "This girl is loving this."

Next day in the golf course he hits a hole in one. He doesn't know any Japanese so he yells, "Machigatta ana!" The Japanese guys ask him, "What do you mean wrong hole?"

[WstateU]

https://media.giphy.com/media/n03KjzUqXeDRe/giphy.gif

[60Shock]

Just to set the record straight.

The very common misunderstanding that Geisha girls are prostitutes is wrong. They simply are not.

Apparently this concept derives from when GI's were occupying Japan shortly after WWII was over and virtually any Japanese lady dressed up in colorful dress they referred to as a Geisha.

[pinstripers]

A man goes to a $10 hooker and contracts crabs.

When he goes back to complain, the hooker laughs and says, "What do you expect for $10 -- lobster?"

[WstateU]

https://media.giphy.com/media/xUPGcm...FVL2/giphy.gif

[pinstripers]

The Oscars is the one time of year where you can see all your favorite stars at once without paying money to the democratic party..... And its fun for the stars as well, this is the only time they can actually vote for a winner.

[WstateU]

https://media.giphy.com/media/9Pk0uM...Espo/giphy.gif

[WstateU]

Here's Johnny!!

[pinstripers]

In the winter of 1926, Thelma Goldstein from Chicago treated herself to her first real vacation in Florida. Being unfamiliar with the area, she wandered into a restricted hotel in North Miami. "Excuse me," she said to the manager. "My name is Mrs. Goldstein, and I’d like a small room for two weeks." "I’m awfully sorry," he replied, "but all of our rooms are occupied." Just as he said that, a man came down and checked out. "What luck," said Mrs. Goldstein. "Now there’s a room. "Not so fast, Madam. I’m sorry, but this hotel is restricted. No Jews allowed." "Jewish? Who’s Jewish? I happen to be Catholic." "I find that hard to believe. Let me ask you, who was the Son of God?" "Jesus, Son of Mary." "Where was he born?" "In a stable." "And why was he born in a stable?" "Because a schmuck like you wouldn’t let a Jew rent a room in his hotel!"

[WstateU]

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[pinstripers]

[pinstripers]

I'm sorry

[pinstripers]

A New York family bought a ranch out West where they intended to raise cattle. Friends came to visit and asked if the ranch had a name.

"Well," said the would-be-cattleman. "I wanted to call it the Bar-J.

My wife favored the Suzy-Q.

One son liked the Flying-W, and the other son wanted the Lazy-Y.

So, we're calling it the Bar-J-Suzy-Q-Flying-W-Lazy-Y."

"But where are all your cattle?"

"So far, none have survived the branding."

[pinstripers]

This is straight from Scotland. Students in an advanced Biology class were taking their mid-term exam. The last question was, 'Name seven advantages of Mother's Milk'.
The question was worth 70 points or none at all. One student, in particular, was hard put to think of seven advantages.
However, he wrote:
1) It is perfect formula for the child.
2) It provides immunity against several diseases.
3) It is always the right temperature.
4) It is inexpensive.
5) It bonds the child to mother, and vice versa.
6) It is always available as needed.
And then the student was stuck.
Finally, in desperation, just before the bell rang indicating the end of the test, he wrote:
7) It comes in two attractive containers and it's high enough off the ground where the cat can't get it.
He got an A+.

[pinstripers]

A young farm couple, Homer and Darlene, got married and just couldn’t seem to get enough lovin’.

In the morning, before Homer left the house for the fields, they made love. When Homer came back from the fields, they made love. And again at bedtime, they made love.

The problem was their nooner -- it took Homer a half hour to travel home and another half hour to return to the fields and he just wasn’t getting enough work done.

Finally Homer asked the town doctor what to do. "Homer,” said the doctor, "just take your rifle out to the field with you and when you’re in the mood, fire off a shot into the air. That will be Darlene’s signal to come out to you. Then you won’t lose any field time.”

They tried Doc’s advice and it worked well for a while. But then Homer went back to the doctor’s office.

"What’s wrong?" asked the Doc. "Didn’t my idea work?”

"Oh, it worked real well," said Homer. "Whenever I was in the mood, I fired off a shot like you said and Darlene’d come runnin’. We’d find a secluded place, make love, and then she’d go back home again."

"Good, Homer. So what’s the problem?" asked the Doc.

"I ain’t seen her since huntin’ season started!"

[WstateU]

Three ladies are chipping up to the fourth hole at their Golf Club when a naked man wearing a paper bag over his head jumps from the trees and runs across the green.

The three ladies stand in awe at the size of his manhood.

The first lady says, 'He is definitely not my husband.'

The second lady gazes at his manhood and says, 'He is not mine either.'

After a very considerable inspection, the third lady finally says, 'He's not even a member of this golf club'

[pinstripers]

A lawyer is standing in a long line at the box office. Suddenly, he feels a pair of hands kneading his shoulders, back, and neck. The lawyer turns around.

"What the hell do you think you're doing?"

"I'm a chiropractor, and I'm just keeping in practice while I'm waiting in line."

"Well, I'm a lawyer, but you don't see me screwing the guy in front of me, do you?"

[pinstripers]

An elderly spinster called the lawyer's office and told the receptionist she wanted to see the lawyer about having a will

prepared. The receptionist suggested they set up an appointment for a convenient time for the spinster to come into the office.

The woman replied, "You must understand, I've lived alone all my life, I rarely see anyone, and I don't like to go out. Would it be possible for the lawyer to come to my house?"

The receptionist checked with the attorney who agreed and he went to the spinster's home for the meeting to discuss her estate

and the will. The lawyer's first question was, "Would you please tell me what you have in assets and how you'd like them to be distributed under your will?"

She replied, "Besides the furniture and accessories you see here, I have $400,000 in my savings account at the bank."

"Tell me," the lawyer asked, "how would you like the $400,000 to be distributed?"

The spinster said, "Well, as I've told you, I've lived a reclusive life, people have hardly ever noticed me, so I'd like them to

notice when I pass on. I'd like to provide $350,000 for my funeral."

The lawyer remarked, "Well, for $350,000 you will be able to have a funeral that will certainly be noticed and will leave a lasting

impression on anyone who may not have taken much note of you! But tell me," he continued, "what would you like to do with the remaining $50,000?"

The spinster replied, "As you know, I've never married, I've lived alone almost my entire life, and in fact I've never slept

with a man. Before I die, I'd like you to use the $50,000 to arrange for a man to sleep with me."

"This is a very unusual request," the lawyer said, adding, "but I'll see what I can do to arrange it and get back to you." That

evening, the lawyer was at home telling his wife about the eccentric spinster and her weird request. After thinking about how much she could do around the house with $50,000, and with a bit of coaxing, she got her husband to agree to provide the service himself.

She said, "I'll drive you over tomorrow morning, and wait in the car until you're finished." The next morning, she drove him to the spinster's house and waited while he went into the house. She waited for over an hour, but her husband didn't come out. So she blew the car horn.

Shortly, the upstairs bedroom window opened, the lawyer stuck his head out and yelled, "Pick me up tomorrow! She's going to

let the County bury her!"

[pinstripers]

had checked into a hotel on a business trip and was a bit lonely so I thought I'd get me one of those girls you see advertised in phone booths when you're calling for a cab. I grabbed a card on my way in.

It was an ad for a girl calling herself Erogonique, a lovely girl, bending over in the photo. She had all the right curves in all the right places, beautiful long wavy hair, long graceful legs all the way up, you know the kind. So I'm in my room and figure, what the hell, I'll give her a call.

"Hello?" the woman says, ....oh God, she sounded sexy!!

"Hi, I hear you give a great massage and I'd like for you to come to my room and give me one. No, wait, I should be straight with you. I'm in town all alone and what I really want is sex. I want it hard, I want it hot, and I want it now. I'm talking kinky, the whole night long! You name it, we'll do it. Bring your implements, toys, everything you want".

She says, "That sounds fantastic, but for an outside line you need to press 9."

[WstateU]

A teacher asked her class how many of them were Bernie Sanders fans. Not really knowing what comprises a Bernie Sanders fan, but wanting to be liked by the teacher, all the kids raised their hands, except for Johnny.

The teacher asked Johnny why he has decided to be different...again.

Johnny said, 'Because I'm not a Bernie Sanders fan.

The teacher asked, 'Why aren't you a Bernie Sanders fan? Johnny said, 'Because I'm a Conservative.

The teacher asked him why he's a Conservative.

Johnny answered, 'Well, my Mum's a Conservative and my Dad's a Conservative, so I'm a Conservative.'

Annoyed by this answer, the teacher asked, 'If your Mum was a Moron and your Dad was an idiot, what would that make you?

Little Johnny replied, 'A Bernie Sanders fan.'