Humor

[SHOXAAC]

kinda goes with the drop trou and hitting from the lady's tee chatter on another thread (yes you know who you are)

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rJ0ChQRnmY0

p.s. who hit the Callaway?

Kind of lines up with "screw up a wet dream." But I digress.

[pogo]

I guarantee that would have been MVC in that situation.

[shock]

Two guys, one old, one young, are pushing their carts around the grocery store when they collide.
The old guy says to the young guy, “Sorry about that. I’m looking for my wife, and I guess I wasn’t paying attention to where I was going.”
The young guy says, “That’s okay, it’s a coincidence. I’m looking for my wife, too. I can’t find her and I’m getting a little desperate.”
The old guy says, “Well, maybe I can help you find her. What does she look like?”
“Well, she is 27 years old, tall, with red hair, blue eyes, long legs, and is wearing a tank top with short white shorts. What does your wife look like?”
The old guy replies, “It doesn’t matter, let’s look for yours.”

[pinstripers]

Mrs p's Uncle Debbert tells me that you can bet the farm that there is two things that never get used by Waffle House waitresses in Oklahoma........underwear and toilet paper......

[WstateU]

A retired older couple returned to a Mercedes dealership where the salesman has just sold the car they had been interested in to a beautiful, leggy, busty blonde in a mini skirt and a halter top.

The old man was visibly upset. He spoke to the salesman sharply, "Young man, I thought you said you would hold that car till we raised the $55,000 asking price.
Yet I just overheard you closed the deal for $45,000 to the lovely young lady there. And if I remember right, you had insisted there was no way you could discount this model."

The salesman took a deep breath, cleared his throat and reached for a large glass of water.
"Well, what can I tell you? She had the cash ready, didn't need any financing help, and, Sir, just look at her, how could I resist?", replied the grinning salesman sheepishly.

Just then the young woman approached the senior couple and gave the car keys to the old man.

"There you go," she said. "I told you I could get that idiot to lower the price.
See you later Dad, Happy Father's day."

[pinstripers]

*I called my friend Andy Sable, a gastroenterologist, to make an
>appointment for a colonoscopy.*
*A few days later, in his office, Andy showed me a color diagram of the colon, a lengthy organ that appears to go all over the place, at one point passing briefly through Minneapolis.*
*Then Andy explained the colonoscopy procedure to me in a thorough, reassuring and patient manner.* *I nodded thoughtfully, but I didn't really hear anything he said, because my brain was shrieking, 'HE'S GOING TO STICK A TUBE 17,000 FEET UP YOUR BEHIND!'*
*I left Andy's office with some written instructions, and a prescription for a product called 'MoviPrep,' which comes in a box large enough to hold a microwave oven. I will discuss MoviPrep in detail later; for now suffice it to say that we must never allow it to fall into the hands of America 's enemies.*
*I spent the next several days productively sitting around being nervous.* *Then, on the day before my colonoscopy, I began my preparation. In accordance with my instructions, I didn't eat any solid food that day; all I had was chicken broth, which is basically water, only with less flavor.*
*Then, in the evening, I took the MoviPrep. You mix two packets of powder together in a one-litre plastic jug, then you fill it with lukewarm water. (For those unfamiliar with the metric system, a litre is about 32 gallons). Then you have to drink the whole jug. This takes about an hour, because MoviPrep tastes - and here I am being kind - like a mixture of goat spit and urinal cleanser, with just a hint of lemon.*
*The instructions for MoviPrep, clearly written by somebody with a great sense of humor, state that after you drink it, 'a loose, watery bowel movement may result.'* *This is kind of like saying that after you jump off your roof, you may experience contact with the ground.*
*MoviPrep* *is a nuclear laxative. I don't want to be too graphic, here, but, have you ever seen a space-shuttle launch? This is pretty much the MoviPrep experience, with you as the shuttle. There are times when you wish the commode had a seat belt. You spend several hours pretty much confined to the bathroom, spurting violently. You eliminate everything. And then, when you figure you must be totally empty, you have to drink another litre of MoviPrep, at which point, as far as I can tell, your bowels travel into the future and start eliminating food that you have not even eaten yet.*
*After an action-packed evening, I finally got to sleep.* *The next morning my wife drove me to the clinic. I was very nervous. Not
only was I worried about the procedure, but I had been experiencing occasional return bouts of MoviPrep spurtage. I was thinking, 'What if I spurt on Andy?’ How do you apologize to a friend for something like that? Flowers would not be enough.*
*At the clinic I had to sign many forms acknowledging that I understood and totally agreed with whatever the heck the forms said. Then they led me to a room full of other colonoscopy people, where I went inside a little curtained space and took off my clothes and put on one of those hospital garments designed by sadist perverts, the kind that, when you put it on, makes you feel even more naked than when you are actually naked.*
*Then a nurse named Eddie put a little needle in a vein in my left hand. Ordinarily I would have fainted, but Eddie was very good, and I was already lying down. Eddie also told me that some people put vodka in their MoviPrep.* *At first I was ticked off that I hadn't thought of this, but then I pondered what would happen if you got yourself too tipsy to make it to the bathroom, so you were staggering around in full Fire Hose Mode. You would have no choice but to burn your house.*
*When everything was ready, Eddie wheeled me into the procedure room, where Andy was waiting with a nurse and an anesthesiologist. I did not see the 17,000-foot tube, but I knew Andy had it hidden around there somewhere. I was seriously nervous at this point.* *Andy* *had me roll over on my left side, and the anesthesiologist began hooking something up to the needle in my hand.* *There was music playing in the room, and I realized that the song was 'Dancing Queen' by ABBA. I remarked to Andy that, of all the songs that could be playing during this particular procedure, 'Dancing Queen' had to be the least appropriate.*
*'You want me to turn it up?' said Andy, from somewhere behind me...* *'Ha ha,' I said. And then it was time, the moment I had been dreading for more than a decade. If you are squeamish, prepare yourself, because I am going to tell you, in explicit detail, exactly what it was like.*
*I have no idea. Really. I slept through it. One moment, ABBA was yelling 'Dancing Queen, feel the beat of the tambourine,' and the next moment, I was back in the other room, waking up in a very mellow mood.* *Andy* *was looking down at me and asking me how I felt. I felt excellent. I felt even more excellent when Andy told me that It was all over, and that my colon had passed with flying colors. I have never been prouder of an
internal organ.*

[WstateU]

Are you a Democrat, a Republican, or a Southerner?

Here is a little test that will help you decide.

The answer can be found by posing the following question:
You're walking down a deserted street with your wife
and two small children.
Suddenly, a Terrorist with a huge knife
comes around the corner,
locks eyes with you,
screams obscenities,
raises the knife, and charges at you...
You are carrying a
Kimber 1911 cal. 45 ACP, and you are an expert shot.
You have mere seconds before he reaches you and your family.
What do you do?
THINK CAREFULLY AND
THEN SCROLL DOWN:

Democrat's Answer:
•Well, that's not enough information to answer the question!
•What is a Kimber 1911 cal. 45 ACP?
•Does the man look poor or oppressed?
•Is he really a terrorist? Am I guilty of profiling?
•Have I ever done anything to him that would inspire him to attack?
•Could we run away?
•What does my wife think?
•What about the kids?
•Could I possibly swing the gun like a club and knock the knife out of his hand?
•What does the law say about this situation?
•Does the pistol have an appropriate safety built into it?
•Why am I carrying a loaded gun anyway, and what kind of message does this send to society and to my children?
•Is it possible he'd be happy with just killing me?
•Does he definitely want to kill me, or would he be content just to wound me?
•If I were to grab his knees and hold on, could my family get away while he was stabbing me?
•Should I call 9-1-1?
•Why is this street so deserted?
•We need to raise taxes, have paint & weed day.
•Can we make this a happier, healthier street that would discourage such behavior.
•I need to debate this with some friends for a few days and try to come to a consensus.
•This is all so confusing!

........... ......... ......... ......... ........ ........ ......... ....... ...
Republican's Answer:
BANG!

........... ......... ......... ........ ........ ......... ......... .....

Southerner's Answer:
BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG!
BANG ! BANG! BANG! BANG!
Click..... (Sounds of reloading)
BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG!
BANG!
BANG!
BANG!
Click
Daughter: 'Nice grouping, Daddy!'
'Were those the Winchester Silver Tips or Hollow Points?!
Son: 'Can I shoot the next one?!'
Wife: 'You are NOT taking that to a Taxidermist!

[pinstripers]

https://scontent.fmci1-2.fna.fbcdn.net/v/t1.0-9/17796712_10154204934275938_6078772965542772746_n.jpg?oh=678415664ebf8ad78ff72271cae2ec60&oe=595ADA71

[im4wsu]

THE BLONDE WHO MARRIED A CATHOLIC


On their honeymoon,
the blonde bride slipped into a sexy nightie and,
with great anticipation, crawled into bed,
only to find her new Catholic husband
had settled down on the couch.

When she asked him why
he was apparently not going to make love to her,
he replied, 'It's Lent!!'

In tears, she sobbed,” Well, that is the most
ridiculous thing I've ever heard!!

To whom did you lend it, and for how long?”

[WstateU]

[WstateU]

A couple on an African Safari witnessed a small antelope being chased down by a cheetah.

While the kill was about to happen before their eyes, the husband casually remarked,
“I’ll bet the antelope gets away.”
The wife answered,
“If that antelope survives this one, I’ll give you sex every day for the rest of your life.”
The deadly chase was recorded.

18 second video. Click here... https://www.youtube.com/embed/DYDIwOnXNc8?rel=0

[im4wsu]

This guy may have missed one or two training sessions

[im4wsu]

Stanley died in a fire and his body was burned badly.
The morgue needed someone to identify the body, so they sent for his two best deer-hunting friends, Cooter and Gomer. The three men had alwayshuntedand fished together and were longtime members of a hunting camp.




Cooter arrived first, and when the mortician pulled back the sheet, Cooter said, “Yup, his face is burned up pretty bad. You better roll him over.”
The mortician rolled him over and Cooter said, “Nope, ain’t Stanley.”

The mortician thought this was rather strange, so he brought Gomer in to confirm the identity of the body. Gomer looked at the body and said, “Yup, he’s pretty well burnt up. Roll him over.”


The mortician rolled him over and Gomer said, “No, it ain’t Stanley.”
The mortician asked, “How can you tell?”
Gomer said, “Well, Stanley had two assholes.”
“What! Two assholes?” asked the mortician.
“Yup, we never seen ’em, but everybody used to say, there’s Stanley with them two assholes.”

[pinstripers]

Waheenock has been completely forgotten by history, despite his life of struggle and victory. Nobody remembers the next-to-last of the Mohicans.

[pinstripers]

A guy was nailing his interview when the employer said, "well you look great but I see here there was a 7 year gap since your last job, what happened there?" The guy says, "Oh I went to Yale". The employer: "oh great!! Well you're hired, you start Monday." Guy: "Yay! I got a yob!"