Humor

[WstateU]

'Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose girl.'

The priest asks, 'Is that you, little Dominic Savino?'

'Yes, Father, it is.'

'And who was the girl you were with?'

'I can't tell you, Father. I don't want to ruin her reputation.'

"Well, Dominic, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later so
you may as well tell me now. Was it Tina Minetti?'

'I cannot say.'

'Was it Teresa Mazzarelli?'

'I'll never tell.'

'Was it Nina Capelli?'

'I'm sorry, but I cannot name her.'

'Was it Cathy Piriano?'

'My lips are sealed.'

'Was it Rosa DiAngelo, then?'

'Please, Father, I cannot tell you.'

The priest sighs in frustration. 'You're very tight lipped, and I admire that.
But you've sinned and have to atone. You cannot be an altar boy for 4 months.
Now you go and behave yourself.'

Joey walks back to his pew, and his friend Franco slides over and whispers, 'What'd you get?'

'Four months-vacation and five good leads.'

An Irishman went to confession.

"Father", he confessed, "it has been one month since my last confession. I had sex with Nookie Green twice last month."

The priest told the sinner, "You are forgiven. Go out and say three Hail Marys."

Soon, another Irishman entered the confessional.

"Father, it has been two months since my last confession. I've been having sex with Nookie Green twice a week for the last two months."

This time the priest questioned, "Who is this Nookie Green?"

"A new woman in the neighborhood," the sinner replied.

"Very well", sighed the priest. "Go and say ten Hail Marys."

At mass the next morning as the priest was preparing to deliver the sermon a tall, voluptuous, drop-dead gorgeous redhead entered the sanctuary. The eyes of every man in the church were on her as she slowly sashayed up the aisle and sat down right in front of the priest.

Her dress was green and very short and she was wearing matching, shiny emerald green shoes.

The priest and the altar boy gasped as she sat with her legs spread slightly apart ...just enough to reveal that she wasn't wearing any underwear.

The priest turned to the altar boy and whispered, "Is that Nookie Green?"

The bug-eyed altar boy couldn't believe his ears, but managed to calmly reply, "No Father, I think it's just a reflection from her shoes."

[im4wsu]

[im4wsu]

Where to Retire ?
You can retire to Phoenix, Arizona where….
1. You are willing to park three blocks away from your house because you found shade.
2. You've experienced condensation on your rear-end from the hot water in the toilet bowl.
3. You can drive for four hours in one direction and never leave town.
4. You have over 100 recipes for Mexican food.
5. You know that "dry heat" is comparable to what hits you in the face when you open your oven door at 500 degrees.
6. The four seasons are: tolerable, hot, really hot, and ARE YOU KIDDING ME??

OR

You can retire to California where...
1. You make over $450,000 and you still can't afford to buy a house.
2. The fastest part of your commute is going down your driveway.
3. You know how to eat an artichoke.
4. When someone asks you how far something is, you tell them how long it will take to get there rather than how many miles away it is.
5. The four seasons are: Fire, Flood, Mud and Drought.

OR

You can retire to New York City where...
1 You say "the city" and expect everyone to know you mean Manhattan.
2. You can get into a four-hour argument about how to get from Columbus Circle to Battery Park, but can't find Wisconsin on a map.
3. You think Central Park is "nature."
4. You believe that being able to swear at people in their own language makes you multilingual.
5. You've worn out a car horn. (IF you have a car.)
6. You think eye contact is an act of aggression

OR

You can retire to Minnesota where...
1. You only have three spices: salt, pepper and ketchup.
2. Halloween costumes have to fit over parkas.
3. You have seventeen recipes for casserole.
4. Sexy lingerie is anything flannel with less than eight buttons.
5. The four seasons are: almost winter, winter, still winter, and road repair.
6. The highest level of criticism is "He is different," "She is different," or "It was different!"

OR
You can retire to The Deep South where...
1. You can rent a movie and buy bait in the same store.
2 "Y'all" is singular and "all y'all" is plural.
3. "He needed killin" is a valid defense.
4. Everyone has two first names: Billy Bob, Jimmy Bob, Joe Bob, Betty Jean, Mary Beth, etc.
5. Everything is either: "in yonder," "over yonder" or "out yonder.”
6. You can say anything about anyone, as long as you say "Bless his heart” t the end!
OR

You can move to Colorado where...
1. You carry your $3,000 mountain bike atop your $500 car.
2. You tell your husband to pick up Granola on his way home, so he stops at the day care center.
3. A pass does not involve a football or dating.
4. The top of your head is bald, but you still have a pony tail.

OR

You can retire to Nebraska or Kansas where...
1. You've never met any celebrities, but the mayor knows your name.
2. Your idea of a traffic jam is three cars waiting to pass a tractor.
3. You have had to switch from "heat" to "A/C" on the same day.
4. You end sentences with a preposition; "Where's my coat at?"

OR FINALLY

You can retire to Florida where...
1. You eat dinner at 3:15 in the afternoon.
2. All purchases include a coupon of some kind - even houses and cars.
3. Everyone can recommend an excellent cardiologist, dermatologist, proctologist, podiatrist, or orthopedist.
4. Road construction never ends anywhere in the state.
5. Cars in front of you often appear to be driven by headless people.

[WstateU]

A crusty old Marine Sergeant Major found himself at a gala event hosted by a local liberal arts college.

There was no shortage of extremely young idealistic ladies in attendance, one of whom approached the Sergeant Major for conversation.

"Excuse me, Sergeant Major, but you seem to be a very serious man. Is something bothering you?"

"Negative, ma'am. Just serious by nature."

The young lady looked at his awards and decorations and said, "It looks like you have seen a lot of action."

"Yes, ma'am, a lot of action."

The young lady, trying to start up a conversation, said, "You know, you should lighten up. Relax and enjoy yourself."

The Sergeant Major just stared at her in his serious manner.

Finally, the young lady said, "You know,
I hope you don't take this the wrong way,
but when is the last time you had sex?"

"1955, ma'am."

"Well, there you are.

No wonder you're so serious.
You really need to chill out! I mean, no sex since 1955!
She took his hand and led him to a private room where she proceeded to "relax" him several times.

Afterwards, panting for breath, she leaned against his bare chest and said, "Wow, you sure didn't forget much since 1955."

The Sergeant Major said, after glancing at his watch, "I hope not; it's only 2130 now."
(Gotta love military time)

[WstateU]

No offense to my Catholic friends (all good people), but for some reason, the Catholic jokes are free-flowing… :)


Four old Catholic men and a Catholic woman were having coffee in
St. Peters Square.

The first Catholic man tells his friends, "My son is a priest, when he walks into a room, everyone calls him 'Father'."
The second Catholic man chirps, "My son is a Bishop. When he walks into a room people call him 'Your Grace'."

The third Catholic gent says, "My son is a Cardinal. When he enters a room everyone bows their head and says 'Your Eminence'."

The fourth Catholic man says very proudly, "My son is the Pope. When he walks into a room people call him 'Your Holiness'."

Since the lone Catholic woman was sipping her coffee in silence, the four men give her a subtle, "Well....?"
She proudly replies,
I have a daughter,

SLIM & TALL
40 D BUST
24" WAIST and
34" HIPS
6’ 2’’

When she walks into a room, people say, 'JESUS!'

[WstateU]

The 4-hour erection

I've always wondered about those ads.
You've seen all the commercials.

But what really happens when you ask for help with an
erection lasting more than 4 hours? Do you really have to go to the emergency room?

So I walked into a drug store and asked to talk to a male
pharmacist.

The woman I was speaking with said she was the only
pharmacist and since she and her sister owned the
store, there were no male employees. She asked if she
could help me.

I said that I really would have preferred to speak
with a male pharmacist.

She assured me that she was completely professional
and whatever it was that I needed to discuss, I could
be confident that she would treat me with a high level
of professionalism.

I reluctantly agreed and began by saying, "As a shy
man, this is tough for me to discuss, but here goes.
I get erections every day that last more than four
hours. This condition causes me a lot of problems and
severe embarrassment. I was wondering what you could
give me for it?"

The pharmacist said, "Just a minute, I'll talk to my
sister."

When she returned, she said, "We discussed it at
length and this is the absolute best we can do:

* 1/3 ownership in the store,

* a company pickup truck,

* a king size bed and

* $3,000 a month in living expenses."

[WheatShock]

A little old lady was walking down the street dragging two large plastic garbage bags behind her. One of the bags was ripped and every once in a while a $20 fell out onto the sidewalk.

Noticing this, a policeman stopped her, and said, “Ma’am, there are $20 bills falling out of that bag.”

“Oh, really? Darn it!” said the little old lady. “I’d better go back and see if I can find them. Thanks for telling me officer.

“Well, now, not so fast,” said the cop.“Where did you get all that money? You didn’t steal it, did you?”

“Oh, no, no”, said the old lady. “You see, my back yard is right next to a Golf course.

A lot of Golfers come and pee through a knot hole in my fence, right into my flower Garden. It used to really tick me off. Kills the flowers, you know. Then I thought, ‘why not make the best of it?

So, now, I stand behind the fence by the knot hole, real quiet, with my hedge clippers.

Every time some guy sticks his thing through my fence, I surprise him, grab hold of it and say, ‘O.K., buddy! Give me $20, or off it comes.’

“Well, that seems only fair,” said the cop, laughing. “OK. Good luck! Oh, by the way, what’s in the other bag?”

“Not everybody pays.”

[pinstripers]

Urine Sample:


One time I got sick and landed in the hospital. There was this one nurse that just drove me crazy. Every time she came in, she would talk to me like I was a little child.

She would say in a patronizing tone of voice, "and how are we doing this morning? "Or.... "are we ready for a bath?" Or... "are we hungry?"

I had enough of this particular nurse. One day at breakfast, I took the apple juice off the tray and stashed it in my bedside stand. Later I was given a urine sample bottle to fill for testing....... So you know where the apple juice went.

The nurse came in a while later, picked up the urine sample bottle, looked at it and said, “My, my, it seems we are a little cloudy today.”

At this, I snatched the bottle out of her hand, popped off the top, and gulped it down, saying, "Well, I'll run it through again. Maybe I can filter it better this time!"

[WstateU]

A nice, calm, and respectable lady
went into the pharmacy, walked up
to the pharmacist, looked straight
into his eyes, and said,
“I would like to buy some cyanide.”

The pharmacist asked,
“Why in the world do you need cyanide?”

The lady replied, “I need it to poison my husband.”

The pharmacist’s eyes got big and he exclaimed,
“Lord have mercy! I can’t give you cyanide to kill your husband
Absolutely not! You CANNOT have any cyanide!”

The lady reached into her purse
and pulled out a picture of her husband
in bed with the pharmacist’s wife.

The pharmacist looked at the picture and said,
“You didn’t tell me you had a prescription.”

[WheatShock]

Rhode Island 84 Creighton 72

[pinstripers]

So yesterday I was drivin down Main when I noticed a black and white kitten that had been run over. Taking my life in my hands, I quickly pulled over and leaped out to kneel by the kitten, right in the middle of the street. Frantically I began to perform mouth to mouth on the lifeless body. Over and over and over with no results. Finally I gave up. if only I had gotten there a couple of days earlier.

[pogo]

A woman was walking down the street and saw a man standing in front of the Catholic church. She stopped and inquired "Mass out?" The man looked at her, stepped back and looked at her again and replied "No but your hats a little crooked."

[WstateU]

Seniors texting codes:

* ATD - At the Doctor

* BFF - Best Friends Funeral

* BTW - Bring the Wheelchair

* BYOT - Bring Your Own Teeth

* CBM - Covered by Medicare

* CUATSC - See You at the Senior Center

* DWI - Driving While Incontinent

* FWIW - Forgot Where I Was

* GGPBL - Gotta Go, Pacemaker Battery Low

* GHA - Got Heartburn Again

* HGBM - Had Good Bowel Movement

* LMDO - Laughing My Dentures Out

* LOL - Living on Lipitor

* OMSG - Oh My! Sorry, Gas

* TOT - Texting on Toilet

* WAITT - Who Am I Talking To?

Hope these help. GGLKI (Gotta Go, Laxative Kicking in!)

[pinstripers]

A New York attorney representing a wealthy art collector called his client.
"I have some good news, and I have some bad news."
The art collector replied, "I've had an awful day. Give me the good news first."
The lawyer said, "Well, I met with your wife today, and she informed me that
she just invested $5,000 in two pictures that she thinks will bring a minimum
of $15 million to $20 million, and I think she could be right."
Saul replied enthusiastically, "Well done! My wife is a brilliant businesswoman!
You've just made my day. Now I know I can handle the bad news. What is it?"
The lawyer replied, "The pictures are of you and your secretary"

[shoxilla]

kinda goes with the drop trou and hitting from the lady's tee chatter on another thread (yes you know who you are)

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rJ0ChQRnmY0

p.s. who hit the Callaway?