Humor

[JVShocker]

A lady is getting fitted for a wedding dress, her 4th wedding.

Dressmaker asks about color.

Lady insists on white.

Dressmaker says, "well, it's your 4th marriage, maybe something other than white would be more appropriate."

Lady answers, "Hey, I never consummated a single one of those marriages, I want white."

"Never? How can this be?"

"Well, my first husband was a gynecologist, all he ever did was look at it and examine it. My second husband was a psychiatrist, all he ever did was discuss it and talk about it. Now, my third husband was a stamp collector........I must say, I kinda miss that guy........"

So I shared your joke with my wife. She just sat there with a confused look on her face. She didn't get the joke. First she said "so he collects stamps he was just too busy for 'getting busy' ".

I said "he collects stamps."

She said "right, but what does the 4th guy do?"

I said "he has a lot of stamps, he's good at it."

She said "what does the fourth guy do then?"

I said "If you were in a hole, you're only digging the whole deeper."

She eventually got the joke, and then tried to explain for the next 10 minutes why she was confused. She settled on "you don't lick stamps anymore."

[pinstripers]

actually, the 4th guy is a lawyer, and she says that she;s confident that this time she's gonna get ****ed

[pinstripers]

Two cousins, Maury and Irving Abramowitz, decide to open a small jewelry shop in New York. The young me worked day and night, trying to build the business and be successful. They lived in a ramshackle apartment above the shop, lived on bread and cheese, and poured every dime back into the business. After a few years, they finally expanded the shop, and began to deal in higher-end merchandise. One day Irving suggested that they should abandon their worn-out threadbare suits, go to a decent tailor, and buy something more appropriate for their new image. They decided on Morris Pinkus, as he was the most reputable tailor in the district.

They went to visit Pinkus. Irving explained what the wanted and said, "the suits must be black. Not blue-black, not dark charcoal, not brown-black, but black. Black."

Pinkus responded, "so black they will be. Black. It's not a problem. I also do the habits for the nuns nearby, and these suits will be just as black.Trust me."

Irving and Maury returned in a few days and were delighted with the suits. They decided to wear them back to the shop. Once outside in the bright sunlight, they began to question whether the suits were actually coal black. then they noticed two nuns walking ahead of them. They ran ahead, accosted the ladies and held the habits against their new suits, muttering as they did so.

Eventually, disgusted, they headed back toward the tailor shop. The two nuns watched them go and one asked, "what was all that about?" The other replied, "I dunno, but I think they were muttering in Latin."

"Latin?" asked the other nun. "What did they say?"

"It sounded like, Pinkus Fuctus."

[WstateU]

The Kansas Department of Transportation (KDOT) found over 450 dead crows on I-35 this past week, and there was concern that they may have died from the Coronavirus.

A veterinary epidemiologist examined the remains of all the crows, and, to everyone's relief, confirmed the problem was NOT Coronavirus (COVID-19).

The cause of death was actually from vehicular impacts. However, during analysis it was noted that varying colors of paints appeared on the bird's beaks and claws. By analyzing these paint residues it was found that 98% of the crows had been killed by impact with trucks, while only 2% were killed by cars.

KDOT then hired an Ornithological Behaviorist to determine if there was a cause for the disproportionate percentages of truck kills versus car kills.

The Ornithological Behaviorist quickly concluded that when crows eat road kill, they always have a look-out crow to warn of danger.

They discovered that while all the lookout crows could shout "Cah","Cah" not a single one could shout "Truck"!!!

[pinstripers]

Mr. Stein was an accountant with a small office. He hired a young lady to help out, answer the phone, do some filing, etc. Her name was Misti. She was very nice, very pretty, and as Mr. Stein eventually noticed, had a terrific body.

After a couple months or watching her walk around the office, Mr. Stein decided that he needed to get to know her better, and he asked her to dinner.

He took her to a very fancy restaurant. They sat down, he helped her with her chair and she began to order.

Misti said to the waiter, "I'd like to start with a shrimp cocktail, a bowl of fresh, cubed fruit, and a small Ceasar salad. Following that, bring me a cup of lobster bisque, an order of corn on the cobb, and some garlic breadsticks. For the main course, I'll have the prime rib, with a baked potato smothered in butter and sour cream, a side order of green beans with those slivered almonds. After that, I'll be having the Dutch apple pie topped with vanilla ice cream, and also one of those cream filled chocolate tarts."

Mr. Stein just watched all of this with his eyebrows raised.

Misti asked, "well is that ok?"

He smiled and said, "well that's a lot to eat for a tiny girl like yourself, but of course, it's all right. But tell me, do you eat that much at home when your Mother is cooking for you?"

She looked back at him and relied, "No, of course not, but my Mother isn't trying to **** me."

[pinstripers]

Dennis was in the hospital, not doing well. His wife Mildred came to see him. The doctor came in to talk with them and grimly, explained that Dennis had less than 24 hours to live. The couple broke down and hugged one another.

The doctor explained that if Mildred wanted to spend the night, if Mildred wanted to actually share the bed, that it was fine. "I know that the two of you having been sleeping together for 40 years, and on this last night, that's certainly understandable and acceptable." The doctor left the room.

After an hour of cuddling in the bed, Dennis began to get that old familiar feeling, "Mildred, my darling, do you think we could make love one last time?"

"Certainly we could try, Dennis." And so they did make loud, passionate love! It was exquisite, and quite wonderful.

They fell asleep in each others arms.

After about an hour, Dennis awoke and whispered, "Mildred, my darling, do you think we could make love one last time?"

Well, Mildred wasn't really in the mood, but agreed. And so they did, perhaps not as loud, perhaps not as enthusiastically, but whatever. And they fell asleep again, in each others arms.

After about an hour, Dennis awoke and whispered, "Mildred, my darling, do you think we could make love one last time?"

Mildred took a deep breath and shouted, "Oh sure! That's allright for you! YOU don't have to get up in the morning!"

[im4wsu]

Before the final match, the American wrestler’s trainer came to him and said, “Now don’t forget all the research we’ve done on this Russian. He’s never lost a match because of this “pretzel” hold he has. Whatever you do, don’t let him get you in this hold! If he does, you’re finished!”
The wrestler nodded in agreement.
Now, to the match: The American and the Russian circled each other several times looking for an opening. All of a sudden the Russian lunged forward, grabbing the American and wrapping him up in the dreaded pretzel hold! A sigh of disappointment went up from the crowd, and the trainer buried his face in his hands for he knew all was lost. He couldn’t watch the ending.
Suddenly there was a scream, a cheer from the crowd, and the trainer raised his eye just in time to see the Russian flying up in the air. The Russian’s back hit the mat with a thud, and the American weakly collapsed on top of him, getting the pin and winning the match. The trainer was astounded! When he finally got the American wrestler alone, he asked, “How did you ever get out of that hold? No one has ever done it before!”
The wrestler answered, “Well, I was ready to give up when he got me in that hold, but at the last moment, I opened my eyes and saw this pair of balls right in front of my face. I thought I had nothing to lose, so with my last ounce of strength I stretched out my neck and bit those babies just as hard as I could. You’d be amazed how strong you get when you bite your own balls!”

[im4wsu]

Ronald Reagan telling Russian jokes

https://youtu.be/Uhi4VurAoDc

[WstateU]

Before the final match, the American wrestler’s trainer came to him and said, “Now don’t forget all the research we’ve done on this Russian. He’s never lost a match because of this “pretzel” hold he has. Whatever you do, don’t let him get you in this hold! If he does, you’re finished!”
The wrestler nodded in agreement.
Now, to the match: The American and the Russian circled each other several times looking for an opening. All of a sudden the Russian lunged forward, grabbing the American and wrapping him up in the dreaded pretzel hold! A sigh of disappointment went up from the crowd, and the trainer buried his face in his hands for he knew all was lost. He couldn’t watch the ending.
Suddenly there was a scream, a cheer from the crowd, and the trainer raised his eye just in time to see the Russian flying up in the air. The Russian’s back hit the mat with a thud, and the American weakly collapsed on top of him, getting the pin and winning the match. The trainer was astounded! When he finally got the American wrestler alone, he asked, “How did you ever get out of that hold? No one has ever done it before!”
The wrestler answered, “Well, I was ready to give up when he got me in that hold, but at the last moment, I opened my eyes and saw this pair of balls right in front of my face. I thought I had nothing to lose, so with my last ounce of strength I stretched out my neck and bit those babies just as hard as I could. You’d be amazed how strong you get when you bite your own balls!”

[pinstripers]

A farmer stopped by the local mechanic shop to have his truck fixed. They couldn’t do it while he waited, so he said he didn’t live far and would just walk home.

On the way home he stopped at the hardware store and bought a bucket and a gallon of paint.

He then stopped by the feed store and picked up a couple of chickens and a goose.

However, struggling outside the store he now had a problem – how to carry his entire purchases home.

While he was scratching his head he was approached by a little old lady who told him she was lost.

She asked, “Can you tell me how to get to 1603 Mockingbird Lane?”

The farmer said, “Well, as a matter of fact, my farm is very close to that house. I would walk you there but I can’t carry this lot.”

The old woman suggested, “Why don’t you put the can of paint in the bucket. Carry the bucket in one hand put a chicken under each arm and carry the goose in your other hand?”

“Why thank you very much,” he said and proceeded to walk the old girl home.

On the way he says “Let’s take my short cut and go down this alley. We’ll be there in no time.”

The little old lady looked him over cautiously then said,
“I am a lonely widow without a husband to defend me. How do I know that when we get in the alley you won’t hold me up against the wall, pull up my skirt, and have your way with me?"

The farmer said, “Holy smokes lady! I’m carrying a bucket, a gallon of paint, two chickens, and a goose. How in the world could I possibly hold you up against the wall and do that?”

The old lady replied, “Set the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put the paint can on top of the bucket, and I reckon I could hold them two chickens for ya.”

[im4wsu]

A little Native American boy asked his father, the big chief and witch doctor of the tribe, “Papa, why is it that we always have long names, while the white men have shorter names ~ Bill, Tex or Sam, for example?”

His father replied: Look, son, our names represent a symbol, a sign, or a poem for our culture not like the white men, who live all together and repeat their names from generation to generation. Also, it is part of our makeup that in spite of everything, we survive.

For example, your sister’s name is Small Romantic Moon Over The Lake, because on the night she was born, there was a beautiful moon reflected in the lake.
Then there’s your brother, Big White Horse of the Prairies, because he was born on a day that the big white horse who gallops over the prairies of the world appeared near our camp and is a symbol of our capacity to live and the life force of our people

It’s very simple and easy to understand. Do you have any other questions, Little Broken Condom Made in China?

[JVShocker]

A little Native American boy asked his father, the big chief and witch doctor of the tribe, “Papa, why is it that we always have long names, while the white men have shorter names ~ Bill, Tex or Sam, for example?”

His father replied: Look, son, our names represent a symbol, a sign, or a poem for our culture not like the white men, who live all together and repeat their names from generation to generation. Also, it is part of our makeup that in spite of everything, we survive.

For example, your sister’s name is Small Romantic Moon Over The Lake, because on the night she was born, there was a beautiful moon reflected in the lake.
Then there’s your brother, Big White Horse of the Prairies, because he was born on a day that the big white horse who gallops over the prairies of the world appeared near our camp and is a symbol of our capacity to live and the life force of our people

It’s very simple and easy to understand. Do you have any other questions, Little Broken Condom Made in China?

This joke is good, but could have been GREAT if you had referred to the condom as simply having a hole in the end of it. (see Coronavirus thread)

[WstateU]

Tools Explained (this one's been around before, but I always get a kick out of it; no doubt written by a handy-man)

DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, denting the freshly-painted project which you had carefully set in the corner where nothing could get to it.

WIRE WHEEL: Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprints and hard-earned calluses from fingers in about the time it takes you to say, 'Oh $hit!'

DROP SAW: A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short.

PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of blood-blisters.

BELT SANDER: An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs.

HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle... It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.

VISE-GRIPS: Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting on fire various flammable objects in your shop. Also handy for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub out of which you want to remove a bearing race.

TABLE SAW: A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood projectiles for testing wall integrity.

HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after you have installed your new brake shoes, trapping the jack handle firmly under the bumper.

BAND SAW: A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops to cut good aluminum sheet into smaller pieces that more easily fit into the trash can after you cut on the inside of the line instead of the outside edge.

TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST: A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of everything you forgot to disconnect.

PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids or for opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on your shirt; but can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads.

STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER: A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used to convert common slotted screws into non-removable screws and butchering your palms.

PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.

HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to make hoses too short.

HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts adjacent the object we are trying to hit.

UTILITY KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on contents such as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles, collector magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic parts. Especially useful for slicing work clothes, but only while in use.

ADJUSTABLE WRENCH: aka "Another hammer", aka "the Swedish Nut Lathe", aka "Crescent Wrench". Commonly used as a one size fits all wrench, usually results in rounding off nut heads before the use of pliers. Will randomly adjust size between bolts, resulting in busted buckles, curse words, and multiple threats to any inanimate objects within the immediate vicinity.

SON OF A ***** TOOL: Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage while yelling 'SON OF A *****!' at the top of your lungs. It is also, most often, the next tool that you will need.

[pinstripers]

A Florida couple, Marge and Doug, moved to Texas.

Doug always wanted a pair of authentic cowboy boots, so, seeing some on sale, he bought them and wore them home.

Walking proudly, he sauntered into the kitchen and said to his wife, "Notice anything different about me?" >

Marge looked him over, "Nope."
Frustrated, Doug stormed off into the bathroom, undressed and walked back into the kitchen completely naked except for the boots.
Again he asked Marge, a little louder this time, "Notice anything different NOW?"
Marge looked up and exclaimed, "Doug, what's different? It's hanging down today, it was hanging down yesterday, it'll be hanging down again tomorrow!"
Furious, Doug yelled, "AND DO YOU KNOW WHY IT'S HANGING DOWN, MARGE?"
"Nope," she replied.
"IT'S HANGING DOWN, BECAUSE IT'S LOOKING AT MY NEW BOOTS!!!!"
Without changing her expression, Marge replied, "Shoulda bought a hat, Doug. Shoulda bought a hat...…..."

[pinstripers]

During a dull DNC dinner, Mrs. Joe Biden leaned over to chat with Chuck Schumer. "I bought Joe a parrot for his birthday. That bird is so smart, Joe has already taught him to say over two hundred words!"

"Very impressive," said Chuck, "but, you do realize he just speaks the words. He doesn't really understand what they all mean."

"Oh, I know", replied Mrs. Biden, "but neither does the parrot.