Humor

[WstateU]

[WstateU]

https://twitter.com/barstoolsports/status/1259137426217369600?s=21

[JVShocker]

How to avoid trouble.

[WstateU]

[JVShocker]

Can you speed that up, please.

[JVShocker]

Raise your hand if you waited 99 seconds....

[JVShocker]

And at the end of 99 seconds....

[JVShocker]

Now to make it all better.

[JVShocker]

[WstateU]

Trump invited the pope for lunch on his yacht.
The Pope accepted and during lunch a puff of wind blew the Pontiff's hat off - right into the water.
It floated off about 50 feet; then the wind died down and it just floated in place.
The crew and the Secret Service were scrambling to launch a boat to go get it, when Trump waved them off, saying, "Never mind boys, I'll get it.”
Then Donald climbed over the side of the yacht, walked on the water to the hat, picked it up, walked back on the water, climbed into the yacht, and handed the Pope his hat.
The crew was speechless. The security team and the Pope's entourage were speechless.
No one knew what to say, not even the Pope.
But that afternoon, ABC, CBS, NBC, CNN, NPR, and MSNBC reported: "TRUMP CAN'T SWIM."

[pinstripers]

Charlie was responsible for taking up the offerings at a local church.

One Sunday, after the service, the priest counted the money and found there was less than anticipated, given the size of the congregation. He took Charlie aside and questioned him.
Charlie said that he did not take any of the offerings.
The priest questioned him again and again and Charlie continued to insist that he did not take any of the offerings.
So, the priest told Charlie to get into the confessional, which he did.
The priest then asked him again, "Charlie, did you take any of the offering?"
This time, Charlie replied, "I can’t hear you."
The priest asked Charlie the same question several times and Charlie would always reply, "I can’t hear you."
Finally, the priest yelled, "Charlie, did you take any of the offering?"
Again, the reply was, "I can’t hear you."
The priest was now beginning to get angry, so he came out of the confessional and said to Charlie, "Trade places with me and you can ask me a question."
So, they traded places and Charlie asked, "Is it true that you and my wife are having an affair?"
To which the priest replied, "By golly, you’re right, you can’t hear in here!"

[ShockBand]

I recommend NOT sipping on a drink while reading this tall tale. You have been warned.
------------------------------------------------------
We have the standard 6ft. fence in the backyard, and a few months ago, I heard about burglaries increasing dramatically in the entire city.

To make sure this never happened to me, I got an electric fence and ran a single wire along the top of the fence.

Actually, I got the biggest cattle charger Tractor Supply had, made for 26 miles of fence. I then used an 8 ft. long ground rod, drove 7.5 feet into the ground. The ground rod is the key, with the more you have in the ground, the better the fence works.

One day I’m mowing the back yard with my cheapo Walmart 6hp big-wheel push mower. The hot wire is broken and laying out in the yard. I knew for a fact that I unplugged the charger. I pushed the mower around the wire and reached down to grab it, to throw it out of the way. It seems as though I hadn’t remembered to unplug it after all.

Now I’m standing there, I’ve got the running lawnmower in my right hand and the 1.7 giga-volt fence wire in the other hand. Keep in mind the charger is about the size of a marine battery and has a picture of an upside-down cow on fire on the cover.

Time stood still.

The first thing I notice is my balls trying to climb up the front side of my body. My ears curled downwards and I could feel the lawnmower ignition firing in the backside of my brain. Every time that Briggs & Stratton rolled over, I could feel the spark in my head. I was literally at one with the engine.

It seems as though the fence charger and the POS lawnmower were fighting over who would control my electrical impulses.

Science says you cannot crap & pee at the same time. I beg to differ. Not only did I do all three at once, but my bowels emptied 3 different times in less than half of a second. It was a Matrix kind of bowel movement, where time is creeping along and you’re all leaned back and BAM BAM BAM you just crap your pants 3 times. It seemed like there were minutes in between but in reality, it was so close together it was like exhaust pulses from a big block Chevy turning 8 grand.

At this point, I’m about 30 minutes (maybe 2 seconds) into holding onto the fence wire. My hand is wrapped around the wire palm down so I can’t let go. I grew up on a farm so I know all about electric fences but Dad always had those POS chargers made by International or whoever that were like 9 volts and just kinda tickled.

This I could not let go of. The 8-foot long ground rod is now accepting signals from me through the perma-damp Ark-La-Tex river bottom soil. At this point, I’m thinking I’m going to have to just man up and take it until the lawnmower runs out of gas.

D*mn, I think as I remember I just filled the tank!

Now the lawnmower is starting to run rough. It has settled into a loping run pattern as if it had some kind of big lawnmower race cam in it.

Covered in poop & pee and with my balls on my chest I think Oh God, please die pleeeeze die.

But nooooo, it settles into the rough lumpy cam idle nicely and remains there, like a big bore roller cam EFI motor waiting for the go command from its owner’s right foot.

So here I am in the middle of July, 104 degrees, 80% humidity, standing in my own backyard, begging God to kill me. God did not take me that day he left me there covered in my own fluids to writhe in the misery my own stupidity had created

I honestly don’t know how I got loose from the wire. I woke up laying on the ground hours later. The lawnmower was beside me, out of gas.

It was later on in the day and I was sunburned. There were two large dead grass spots where I had been standing, and then another long skinny dead spot where the wire had laid while I was on the ground still holding on to it. I assume I finally had a seizure and in the resulting thrashing had somehow let go of the wire.

Upon waking from my electrically induced sleep I realized a few things.

1. Three of my teeth seem to have melted.

2. I now have cramps in the bottoms of my feet and my right butt cheek (not the left, just the right).

3. Poop & pee when all mixed together, do not smell as bad as you might think.

4. My left eye will not open.

5. My right eye will not close.

6. The lawnmower runs like a sumnabitch now. Seriously! I think our little session cleared out some carbon fouling or something because it was better than new after that.

7. My balls are still smaller than average yet they are almost a foot long.

8. I can turn on the TV in the game room by farting while thinking of the number 4 (still don’t understand this?)

[pinstripers]

A lady is sitting in an examining room at her gynecologist's office.

The doctor walks in and says, "Lois, I'm afraid I have some bad news. You are going to have to stop masturbating."

Lois replies, "I don't understand, Doctor Phelps. Why is that?"
Doc says, "because I'm trying to examine you."

[WstateU]

A lady is sitting in an examining room at her gynecologist's office.

The doctor walks in and says, "Lois, I'm afraid I have some bad news. You are going to have to stop masturbating."

Lois replies, "I don't understand, Doctor Phelps. Why is that?"
Doc says, "because I'm trying to examine you."

[pinstripers]

A lady is getting fitted for a wedding dress, her 4th wedding.

Dressmaker asks about color.

Lady insists on white.

Dressmaker says, "well, it's your 4th marriage, maybe something other than white would be more appropriate."

Lady answers, "Hey, I never consummated a single one of those marriages, I want white."

"Never? How can this be?"

"Well, my first husband was a gynecologist, all he ever did was look at it and examine it. My second husband was a psychiatrist, all he ever did was discuss it and talk about it. Now, my third husband was a stamp collector........I must say, I kinda miss that guy........"