Humor

[pinstripers]

Farmer John once lived on a quiet rural highway but as time went by, the traffic slowly built up and eventually got so heavy and so fast that his free range chickens were being run over, at a rate of three to six a week.

So Farmer John called the local police station to complain, "You've got to do something about all these people driving so fast and killing all my chickens," he said to the local police officer.

"What do you want me to do?" asked the policeman.

"I don't care, just do something about those crazy drivers!"

So the next day the policeman had the Council erect a sign that said:
SCHOOL CROSSING

Three days later Farmer John called the policeman and said, "You've still got to do something about these drivers. The ‘school crossing' sign seems to make them go even faster!"

So again, they put up a new sign:
SLOW: CHILDREN AT PLAY.
That really sped them up. So Farmer John called and said, "Your signs are no good. Can I put up my own sign?"

In order to get Farmer John off his back said "Sure. Put up your own sign.
The phone calls to the Police Station stopped, but curiosity got the better of the Officer, so he called Farmer John, “How’s the problem with the speeding drivers. did you put up your sign?"

"Oh, I sure did and not one chicken has been killed.

The policeman was really curious and thought he'd better go out and take a look at the sign. He also thought the sign might be something the Police could use elsewhere, to slow drivers down..
So he drove out to Farmer John's house.

His jaw dropped the moment he saw the sign.


'NUDIST COLONY'
'Slow down and watch out for chicks!'

[shoxilla]

Wichita mentioned twice....

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EqLaO4mOM_Q

[MoValley John]

Wichita mentioned twice....
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EqLaO4mOM_Q

That song makes zero sense. They left Omaha, going to Wichita, but Salt Lake City isn't along the way.

[WstateU]

If you’re searching for some ‘twisted’ humor; check out Trailer Park Boys Out of the Park: Europe on NETFLIX. It came out last October and I recently watched all 8 episodes. Stupid humor at its best. I blame @MoValley John: for my TPB addiction.

I wish my memory was better; Bubble’s had a couple of lines that nearly killed me. The scene where he eats the octopus burger had me rolling. The visit to the sex shop was classic.

Warning: Don’t waste your time unless you have a good sense of humor.

[pinstripers]

To my darling husband,

Before you return from your overseas trip I just want to let you know about the small accident I had with the Ford F-150 when I turned into the driveway.

Fortunately not too bad and I really didn't get hurt, so please don't worry too much about me. I was coming home and when I turned into the driveway I accidentally pushed down on the accelerator instead of the brake.

The garage door is slightly bent but the Ford F-150 fortunately came to a halt when it crashed into your Ferrari.

I missed hitting our bikes.

I am really sorry, but I know with your kind-hearted personality you will forgive me.

You know how much I love you and care for you my sweetheart.

I am enclosing a picture for you.

I cannot wait to hold you in my arms again.

Your loving wife. XX

P.S. Your girlfriend called.

[WstateU]

To my darling husband,

Before you return from your overseas trip I just want to let you know about the small accident I had with the Ford F-150 when I turned into the driveway.

Fortunately not too bad and I really didn't get hurt, so please don't worry too much about me. I was coming home and when I turned into the driveway I accidentally pushed down on the accelerator instead of the brake.

The garage door is slightly bent but the Ford F-150 fortunately came to a halt when it crashed into your Ferrari.

I missed hitting our bikes.

I am really sorry, but I know with your kind-hearted personality you will forgive me.

You know how much I love you and care for you my sweetheart.

I am enclosing a picture for you.

I cannot wait to hold you in my arms again.

Your loving wife. XX

P.S. Your girlfriend called.

[WstateU]

Breaking News!

[im4wsu]

[WstateU]

A man washed up on a beach after a shipwreck. Only a sheep and a sheepdog were washed-up with him. After looking around, he realized that they were stranded on a deserted island. After being there awhile, he got into the habit of taking his two animal companions to the beach every evening to watch the sunset. One particular evening, the sky was a fiery red with beautiful cirrus clouds, the breeze was warm and gentle - a perfect night for romance. As they sat there, the sheep started looking better and better to the lonely man. Soon, he leaned over to the sheep and put his arm around it. The sheepdog, ever-protective of the sheep, growled fiercely until the man took his arm from around the sheep.
After that, the three of them continued to enjoy the sunsets together, but there was no more cuddling.

A few weeks passed-by and, lo and behold, there was another shipwreck.

The only survivor was Kathleen Wynne! That evening, the man brought Wynne to the evening beach ritual. It was another beautiful evening - red sky, cirrus clouds, a warm and gentle breeze, perfect for a night of romance. Pretty soon, the man started to get those feelings again. He fought the urges as long as he could but he finally gave-in and leaned over to Wynne and told her he hadn't had sex for months. Wynne batted her eyelashes and asked if there was anything she could do for him. He said, ’Take the dog for a walk.'

https://www.google.com/search?q=who+is+kathleen+wynne&source=lnms&tbm=isch&sa=X&sqi=2&ved=0ahUKEwjCma-0hcPTAhWiiFQKHfCZD2sQ_AUIBygC&biw=1920&bih=893#tbm=isch&q=who+is+kathleen+wynne?&spf=257

[WstateU]

IRISH SEX

An Irish woman of advanced age visited her physician to ask his advice on reviving her husband's libido....

"What about trying Viagra?" asked the doctor.

"Not a chance" she replied. "He won't even take an aspirin".

"Not a problem," said the doctor. "Give him an Irish Viagra.”

"What on Earth is Irish Viagra?" she asked.

"It's Viagra dissolved in his morning cup of coffee. He won't even taste it. Let me know how it goes," he said.

She called the doctor the very next afternoon. "How did it go?" he asked.

"Oh faith, bejaysus and begorrah, doctor, it was terrible. Just horrid, I tell ya! I'm beside meself!"

"Oh, no! What in the world happened?"

"Well, I did the deed, Doctor, just as you advised. I put the Viagra in his morning coffee, and he drank it. Well, you know, it took effect almost immediately, and he jumped straight up out of his chair with a smile on his face, a twinkle in his eye, and his pants a-bulging. Then, with one fierce swoop of his arm, he sent the cups, saucers, and everything else that was on the table flying across the room, ripped me clothes to tatters and passionately took me then and there, right on top of the table. T’was a nightmare, I tell ya, an absolute nightmare!"

“Why so terrible?" asked the doctor. "Wasn't the sex good?"

"Freakin' jaysus, it was the best sex I've had in me last 25 years, but sure as I'm sittin here, doctor, I'll never be able to show me face in Starbucks again!"

[im4wsu]

[im4wsu]

While strolling around the marina at the Reef this morning, about 7 am, I noticed a character shouting “Allah be praised” and “Death to all infidels” and suddenly he tripped and fell into the water.

He was struggling to stay afloat because of all the explosives he was carrying. If he didn’t get help he would surely drown.

Being a responsible citizen, and abiding by the law of the land that requires you to help those in distress, I informed (1)the Police, (2)the Coast Guard, (3)the Immigration Office and (4)even the Fire Department. It is now 11 a.m., the terrorist has drowned, and none of the authorities have responded.

I’m starting to think I wasted four stamps

[WstateU]

Senior Thinker - A wonderful, uplifting story from an 'ole guy' in The Villages



A balding, white haired man walked into a jewelry store this past Friday evening with a beautiful much younger gal at his side. He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend.
The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring.

The man said, 'No, I'd like to see something more special.'

At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought another ring over. 'Here's a stunning ring at only $40,000 the jeweler said.

The lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement. The old man seeing this said, 'We'll take it.'

The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the man stated, 'By check. I know you need to make sure my check is good, so I'll write it now and you can call the bank Monday to verify the funds; I'll pick the ring up Monday afternoon.'

On Monday morning, the jeweler angrily phoned the old man and said 'Sir...There's no money in that account.

''I know,' said the old man...'But let me tell you about my weekend.'

Not All Seniors Are Senile...

[WstateU]

Honest and loving husband

A very ill-tempered woman "about to enter her senior years" was arrested for shoplifting at a
grocery store. She gave everyone a hard time, from the store manager to the security guard to the arresting officer who took her away.

She complained and criticized everything and everyone throughout the process.
When she appeared before the judge, the judge asked her what she had stolen from the store. The lady defiantly replied, "Just a stupid can of peaches."

The judge then asked why she had done it.

She replied, "I was hungry and forgot to bring any cash or my credit card to the store."

The judge asked how many peaches were in the can.

She replied in a nasty tone, "Nine! But, at this point in time, what difference does that make to you?”

The judge answered patiently, "Well, ma'am, because I'm going to give you nine days in jail -- one day for each peach."

As the judge was about to drop his gavel, the lady's long-suffering husband raised his hand slowly and asked if he might speak.

The judge said, "Yes sir, what do you have to add?"

The husband said meekly "Your Honor, she also stole four cans of peas."

[im4wsu]

The Cowboy...

A successful rancher died and left everything to his
devoted wife. She was a very good-looking woman
and determined to keep the ranch, but knew very
little about ranching, so she decided to place an ad
in the newspaper for a ranch hand...
Two cowboys applied for the job. One was gay and the
other a drunk.
She thought long and hard
about it, and when no one else applied she decided
to hire the gay guy, figuring it would be safer to
have him around the house than the drunk.
He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours
every day and knew a lot about ranching..

For weeks, the two of them worked, and the
ranch was doing very well.
Then one day, the rancher's widow said to the hired hand, "You have done a really good job, and the ranch looks great.
You should go into town and kick up your heels." The
hired hand readily agreed and went into town one Saturday night.

One o'clock came, however, and
he didn't return.

Two o'clock and no hired hand.

Finally he returned around
two-thirty, and upon entering the room, he found the
rancher's widow sitting by the fireplace with a
glass of wine, waiting for him.

She quietly called him over to her..

"Unbutton my blouse and take it off," she said.

Trembling, he did as she directed. "Now take off my boots."

He did as she asked, ever so slowly..
"Now take off my socks."

He removed each gently
and placed them neatly by her boots.

"Now take off my skirt."

He slowly unbuttoned it,
constantly watching her eyes in the fire light.

"Now take off my bra.." Again, with trembling hands,
he did as he was told and dropped it to the floor.

Then she looked at him and said, "If you ever
wear my clothes into town again,
you're fired."


P.S. I didn't see it coming

either